Where to start??

ok, so i was Dx bipolar at 20...36 now. I don't really know where i'm goin with this, but i just felt like i needed to right. this mighta shoulda been a blog. i don't know.
I've been having anxiety attacks so bad, but they are soooo different than you're normal attack. I feel like i'm dead. and that's it. like i'm not even here. like i'm seeing life thru my own dead eyes, everything gets....not hazy, but dull, dull colors. then i get that first little tingle of a anxiety/panic attack, then nothing. I'm so confused.
I've gained 40lbs in 6months. went to ER for 1st time with my back pain. having vivid dreams. the kind that when you wake up, you feel that feeling you had all day. I'm falling into such a deep depression, it is killing me. of course, the thoughts are there....the what if's. but i'd never pull it off.
I work, 40hrs weekly for a pcp office. my doctor is my boss. the only thing i'm on is 30 mg of celexa. i feel out of control. i have severe chronic pain in my back, neck and wrists/arms. i'm starting to get paranoid, like everyone's against me. i don't know where to turn, by MD/boss is highly "popular" in my quaint lil town. i have no insurance. i can't let him know about the bipolarism. "beeping" as i call it. he might fire me. he knows all the local doctors.... I'm drowning in debt, just filed bankruptsy begining of month. and i can't even make my monthly bills.
OMG, i think i've gone far enough for a post, but my mind is going 90 to nothing right now. this has been one of the worst days yet.
i don't even know what i'm looking for, just had to tell my story.....

Could you see a different doctor? They aren't allowed to talk to others about their patients. You need help with your BP.

It sounds almost like you are having dissociative states and maybe even some psychosis. You really need to see a pdoc. Legally any doctor you see CANNOT discuss you with another doctor unless you've signed a release form. It is a violation of HIPPA and you would have ground for a lawsuit against the doctor and your boss if you boss fired you for your mental illness status. You really sound like you need help. Most places offer a sliding scale. If you have to go to the ER, they should be able to help you get the help you need.