Beware! Rant ahead!

Warrioress · Sep 14, 2011, 04:56 AM

Hi. I've been away for a while. You know, I feel like a b**ch! I come on here and ask for help when I need it, but I won't so much as visit PC when I'm feeling okay and I very rarely have anything helpful to say to anyone else. Ah well. I guess I'm a selfish jerk.

Anyway! I feel a bit down at the present time. I stopped taking meds a few months ago. And no, I did not consult my pdoc. I neither like nor trust him. I didn't like or trust the meds either. In fact I hated them. I'm an athlete/martial artist/ whatever you call it! I practice karate (I think I've said that a million times so far) and I totally LOVE it. When I took the pills (Depakine/Depakote, Olanzapine, sertraline, propranol) they...do I need to describe the side-effects? they made me feel drowsy and tired all the time. My body felt heavy and difficult to move when I trained in karate. I felt like I was in a cage; like I wasn't myself; like the godda*n pills wouldn't let me be my free f*cking self! (I know I'm swearing a lot and I'm sorry if it annoys you)

So I stopped taking them. Now I think an explanation is required here. I really felt that I didn't need them. I liked and enjoyed my hypomanic episodes. I'm a religious person and I have a very personal relationship with God. When hypomanic, I felt closer to him. It was as if my soul flew towards him and...Oh God! It's really complicated and I can't go into details now. It might not be understandable even if I do explain, because I'm not even Christian. I'm a Muslim. I thought to myself that I will use my relationship with God for self treatment. And it actually worked! I was alright. I was neither depressed nor hypomanic. I felt great and it was natural.

But now...

I feel so lonely all of a sudden. My relationship with God is faltering a bit. There are so many things in daily life that distract and distance me from him. I know that I won't feel lonely if only I can feel his presence in my life, but I can't feel it. Sometimes I do and it's the best and most beautiful thing anyone can experience, but then something happens that... I don't know! I just don't know!

And now about the people in my life. My family are alright. My mum is amazing and my dad is okay. I'm comfortable with them, but I never talk about my feelings to any family member. My friends...well...they have the greatest part in making me feel lonely right now. I have two really good friends(I'm going to call them F and Z) both of whom have abusive parents. F separated from her husband yesterday and is currently suffering the aftermaths of a divorce and Z has plans of moving to another town. Now Z is in my karate club too and there is a lot of competition between us despite our friendship. She is usually the winner and she recieves a lot of attention and training tips from our instructor. When she said she's going to leave, I felt lonely and I knew that I will miss her, but there was a also a small snide voice inside my head saying : "One rival down" and that thought makes me feel guilty and hate myself.

I know these are really small and silly things, but I can't help feeling like life sucks!

Tsunamisurfer · Sep 14, 2011, 06:06 AM

Thanks for sharing that, Warioress.
I'm sorry you and your friends are going through a really rough patch at the moment.

porcupine2 · Sep 14, 2011, 06:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Warrioress

pills
And now about the people in my life. My family are alright. My mum is amazing and my dad is okay. I'm comfortable with them, but I never talk about my feelings to any family member. My friends...well...they have the greatest part in making me feel lonely right now. I have two really good friends(I'm going to call them F and Z) both of whom have abusive parents. F separated from her husband yesterday and is currently suffering the aftermaths of a divorce and Z has plans of moving to another town. Now Z is in my karate club too and there is a lot of competition between us despite our friendship. She is usually the winner and she recieves a lot of attention and training tips from our instructor. When she said she's going to leave, I felt lonely and I knew that I will miss her, but there was a also a small snide voice inside my head saying : "One rival down" and that thought makes me feel guilty and hate myself.

Warrioress, it sounds like the people in your life are causing a lot of stress. I have learned I need to set boundaries. I use this analogy of having a zoo and then when other people stress me out I ask myself is this my monkey or is my zoo too full? Weird I know, but it works for me. If it isn't my monkey I take a step back and let things falls where they may. I played the 'rescuer' too long until I had nothing left for myself. Hope things get better for you.

Warrioress · Sep 14, 2011, 06:47 AM

Thank you both for taking the time to read and reply. It stops me feeling unimportant and neglected.

Sep 14, 2011, 11:52 AM

I am sorry your feeling so down, and you and your friends are having some hard times.. And I am sorry that you feel like you are faltering with your relationship with god. I am sure that this is only temporary.

I understand where you are coming from with the meds, I feel that way often and many times have gone off them. Just be careful, I hope this doesn't last long.

popeye · 01:22 PM

I feel sad that you are having a rough time. I am very religious too. I am also a black belt in karate. I used to teach it.

Warrioress · Sep 14, 2011, 01:56 PM

Thanks Anika. I'm sure it's temporary. In fact I feel a little better already.

And YAY popeye!

I feel so pleased when I meet another karateka (online or IRL). You're using past tense though. Does that mean you've put it aside? Or that you just don't teach anymore?