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I dont mind having bipolar, i need to stop blaming that for everything thats wrong with my life.
I just need to get this out.

I want to get myself a full time job, move out of my parents house, rent a room, save the money to then rent a flat.
My flat will be my santuary, i just want a safe place that i can be in control of, and have a sense of ownership and safety. I want it to be peaceful and clean and calm. Where i can be alone.
I want to get up and go to work, and if i'm up, i'll go out at the weekends, meet friends, and if i'm down, i'll get through my days at work knowing i can come back to my flat and be isolated (in a good way). It will be my space to invite people into when i want them there. I just want something to keep me steady, while my mood and my personality and my needs change something just keeping me grounded.
I really want this very much.
I dont want the people in my life anymore, I have either friends that arent good friends, or i have people that i need more from than they could ever possibly give, and the only way to be safe from them, is to take myself away completely, even if that sounds like a rash, dramatic idea, i know in myself that i can never have a normal relationship with my best friends again.
Its like if you're a smoker and you quit smoking you can never become a social smoker, it just doesnt work like that.

I want this so much, i want my life to be a new thing now, i want to grow up basically and look after myself.

[Martek]

I hope you get what you want but keep in mind that sometimes even though they can drive you nuts family can be a great safety net. I have a group of friends I have known forever and I know I wouldn't be here today without their support ( they are part of my "family"). Just don't let yourself get into the trap of spending way to much alone time.

[Ryask]

you need people too...even if you think you don't...even if you think they hurt you..or you hurt them...our brains are wired to connect....as for your other goals...you can absolutely have every single one of those things, they can all be yours. It may be a long road to get there but, I for one think you can do it. There is a catch of course....i don't think you can do it alone....and frankly...why would you want to.

[widgets]

To prove i can be strong without somebody there, that i can live independently and so i can be in control of the relationships i do have rather than feeling like every thing is happening and i cant stop it or chose it, i just feel like everything is too hectic that i cant see straight and i need to step back, breathe, know myself and then re enter.

[unaluna]

You have just grown and changed so much in the past short while! It is wonderful to see. I wish there was something like the army, only not so DRASTIC!, that could be a sanctuary, a place of growth for young people today. Or uni, except that it is so expensive and alcohol is a required course, not an elective. I hate to see you take on all the responsibilities of adulthood just to get some peace. Is there no way to negotiate a separate space at home? Then it would just be about setting boundaries with "former" mates. Because really, work can be hell. If you don't have your issues with your family worked out, they will follow you to your job.

[widgets]

I don't get on with my stepdad. I moved outfor 2 years before but it was with Robert.
I'm going to have to live on my own one day anyway, I just think it's time, I'm in the way here.
It's not issues as such, it's always been like this, I just want to get out now