Rapid Cycling Bipolar: A Daily Rollercoaster Ride

I think I have the rapid cycling...but am not sure what is "normal"...so how can you ever really know? All my life I have thought that others reactions to situations were very, very mild...and I never understood it (still don't) but am now being told/shown that it is MY reactions that are out of the norm, and since I am already 50 yrs old, and have had a different view for a looooong time, I find it extremely tough to reconcile what I feel with what is real. How does one know what is appropriate, or what is over the top and manic, or depressive? How do you know what is rapid cycling, and what is just emotion or....I dunno....just...how do you know? My p-doc seems to be seeking a pattern in my situation, and I have not been able to really identify any pattern, except that ever since I can remember (at least since puberty) my emotions have been super strong, and until last year, I thought they were "normal". The seroquel I take now zombies me out, to the point where I have mostly just apathy...but I care enough to know I don't like that feeling either. Better to feel almost nothing...or better to feel everything waaaaay too much? Playing around with diff drugs and dosages for over a year, and still not able to function in what would be considered a "normal" lifestyle...i rarely ever feel UP anymore, either DOWN, or nothing. Do you guys have that same kind of thing going on? I know it is sooooo variable...but man, what a pain in the butt this is!

In understand your confusion. Been there done that! There is nothing easy about living life as a BP individual. For me my life is a mixed bag of all sorts of feelings, both UP and DOWN, and very little in between. I don't think there is any definition for the word "normal". What is normal for one person may not be "normal" for the next person. Normal just doesn't exist. He is a mystery item!

I went through a series of misdiagnosis-es before everyone was on the same page. I went through a ton of medicine changes as well until we found one that works. (I do not share what meds I am on because they are so individualized.) I also had frequent hospital stays as well. Not until 1994 did I start to realize, after taking some Cognitive Behavior therapy (CBT) classes, that I needed to accept my problem, and to work with my meds to improve my life ... or to even have a life. I began to accept my responsibility for my actions regardless of my Dx (diagnosis).

If your meds are making you feel like a zombie, then tell the pdoc that. You have a right to refuse that med and try another. However, taking a med is not the cure all to any problem. It is only a helper. The rest is up to you. You need to be patient with yourself. Don't expect miracles to happen right away. It does not work that way. By all means self-educate yourself but don't self-diagnose your condition. Ask plenty of questions.

I was first diagnosed as simple depression in 1968 and spent 4 weeks in a psych ward. It was not until 1992 that I was correctly diagnosed with BP, rapid cycling. It is now 2011 and it has not gone away nor will it ever. It is as constant as my shadow. The lower the sun, the longer the shadow; the bighter the sun, the darker the shadow. I am a woman of Faith so I thank God for the sun!

Ponder that awhile then holler back to us. Here at PC we all help one another. It is why this website exists. Here is something from the group

wackywidow, really thanks for that...Going through a very strange phase right now and I feel that this is what I needed to hear...Even though I have worked through all this before, I think moving somewhere else has rebooted brain or something, I need to be reminded of the crucial things on a regular basis.
'The lower the sun, the longer the shadow; the bighter the sun, the darker the shadow' - so true! Ah, the sun...

madcapzany - what I tell myself when I feel this kind of 'flatness' you describe, is to forget for a moment any kind of expectations I have from myself, meds, or anyone else and just think as simply as possible what I can do in that moment with what I have...I think this calms down my frustration with 'flatness' (in my case I see the flatness as frustration mixed with panic that I won't be able to do what I 'want') and I think that way you don't miss out on what is accessible to you...What you can do becomes life rather than what you can do being distractions until you can live life. The first one leads you to having a much more meaningful and full life I think I hope this makes sense!

Hugs to all