My instinct

I've felt terrible for a long time now.
Today I had a job interview.
In the past I've always been normal or hypoM when going for an interview, but even so, when I get in there an instinct takes over, I find myself sounding 10x mOre confident, more clever and have better answers than I could think of before the interview.
I was worried that wouldnt happen today, becausE I've been so ill.
But it did, it's like there's an instinct within me, that can kick In when I desperately need it to, before and after the interview my anxiety was there And depression.
Why if I can force myself out of it for that small period, can we not control it all the time?

Even now, knowing I did really well, I'm worrying about if i do or don't get the job, if I don't I'll feel a failure, if I do, I'm setting myself A massive challenge..

I completely understand this sentiment. This may be due to my cyclothymic temperament, but even when I'm down I usually still have periods where I feel better. Sometimes I can get more done during those periods to make up for my depressive neglect. And then I wonder, why can't I just do this all the time? Am I just weak?

I think that the special situation (the stress of your interview; the chemistry of my cycling) changed our brain state just enough so that we temporarily can overcome the depression. And then it's -whoosh!-straight back down.

Yes I agree with you.
I really didn't think it would happen. It's obviously good it did.
I think it shows that yes we have a mood disorder but we are above that humans who can do something when life depends on it
It's just comes to different people in different ways

Hey, widgets. I guess adrenalin works for us too, pretty much like for everyone. I've seldom had a problem getting a job that I was right for. It's just actually going to it, keeping it...even wanting to keep it...where the problems start creeping up. Predictable, right?

At this point I've managed to hang on to this job for ten years--only because it's halftime & I work 4 5-hr shifts that include a weekend day & M, W, Th nights. Only 2 shifts ever in a row, & minimum contact with the bulk of the staff. At the most I work with 2 others at a time. Easier to stay level with that schedule & exposure. I went thru 3 jobs in 2 months getting to this one..

I've come close to losing my temper a few times, but so far so good. Work with 12 different people overall, but only one very much. We get along really well. & as I said, shifts are just 3people total on nights & weekends.

I hope, widgets, if the job comes thru, you'll be able to get a schedule that works for you. If you don't get it, itsn't it maybe that it just wasn't meant to be? Why jump to failing? Except maybe just failing to know that it wasn't the right job for you. We seldom have enough facts about the jobs we apply for to know whether we're really good matches of not.

Give yourself a hug yourself, & another one from me. You gave a great interview!

I've had the same job before, thats the thing, i know what it did to me, but i'm going back for me.
But although while there i had some of the worst times of my life, i also had some of the best.
Plus i know everything about this sector, inside out, i get it.
I need to move out, living here is driving me crazy and with this job i will be able to do that.
Its full time, its going to be hardwork, but i need to do this,

I follow what you're saying and I get it.
BUT if the job drive you crazy, you're just exchanging crazy (1) for crazy (2). Would you consider, if you get this job, continuing to search for something less crazy-making?

Just thinking.

widgets, I think our minds are more powerful than we realise. They can and do protect us when we need it. I too can "switch on" the more stable, together persona when I need to, and it makes me question whether there's even anything wrong with me at times! As another example of what our minds can do, consider individuals with Dissociative Identity Disorders, where the mind has 'split' into alters as a protective measure.

Is this the job you've posted about in the past? If so, I recall there was a colleague there who meant a lot to you, who has since moved on? This will no doubt provoke memories and emotions for you - but it could also be an opportunity for some closure. I hope you get the outcome that's right for you xx

I was able to do this for a few hours at the start of mania, then it became completely impossible and I couldn't function.