Down on myself and my life

Fortunately my husband has found a permanent job. So why am I still feeling so stressed and down on myself? I think it has to do with a few things. I feel incapable of living my daily life. I showered today for the first time since Oct.1. I am not really depressed, though I feel it coming on today, and definitely not manic.

I don't know, my mind keeps saying, "I hate myself, I hate myself." What a bummer.

Things that were issues between me and my husband had to go to the back burner when he was unemployed and now I feel them bubbling up again. The issues are still there. I don't know if my illness is magnifying them or if they are really as urgent as I feel they are.

I saw my T today and will see my pdoc on Friday. I wish I could just do the things I need to do and have good relationships with the people in my life. I just feel so ...disconnected... and afraid to death to get connected to a community, to neighbors, to my husband and sometimes with my children. There is something essential missing from me, like I am all dried up and have nothing left. I feel like I don't want to connect, but I have to. It's an obligation because others tell me I would feel better, or they expect it and I don't want to upset anyone.

People look at me funny and when they make eye contact, I get scared because I don't know what they are going to do. Even when I drive, I see people walking and driving who are looking right into my eyes. I feel like the neighbors watch me when I go outside.

Ack. I am just a mess right now.

You very well may be depressed... negative thinking is the big clue, along with the other things you mentioned. Saying you hate yourself- definitely negative thinking.

My therapist said someone can have low energy, no motivation and not have depression, but if you have negative thinking, then you're high risk for depression.

As far as the issues with your husband.... are you bored?...I'm bored as all get out and all I could do for a few days was obsess about my mom and friend being so self absorbed and selfish- basically causing my own problems in the "present" moment that didn't exist until I started thinking about it again.

The whole thing about eye contact I don't quite get. I look people in the eye all the time. I think it's a respect thing really- however in some countries it's disrespectful to look someone in the eye....so who knows? ...I'm sorry it makes you uncomfortable.

sounds like depression... maybe its more mild than other depressions, but it really sounds like you are feeling a bit low.
try to be kind to yourself and give yourself space and time to get better.

Yeah, maybe I am a little depressed. I'll talk to pdoc tomorrow. I just don't understand how depression can leak through all the layers of medication that I am on.

Yeah, with my recent manic episode I basically asked my Tdoc the same question, however I hadn't seen her in over a year cuz I thought I was doing "just fine"....NOT.

She said "Well, what's been going on with you prior to the manic episode". So I tell her ..."uh... stress, stress and a heaping pile of STRESS!". I won't get into it all, but had lots of job stress for months, then my son got into trouble with the law- that was it for me......manic episode here I come!

She said stress.... bad stress that is, is the worst thing for BP people. The body and mind make several adjustments to compensate, but after awhile just can't take it anymore and illness ensues do to being "out of balance".

I have been under a lot of stress since April when I got out of the hospital. I managed to hold it together because my husband had found contract work to get us through financially. The kids had busy schedules and I found it overwhelming. My hisband was unavailable to help because his commute was nearly two hours long. It sounds silly to be so stressed about that. I was also worried because my family was uninsured. I have medicare so I was partially covered. My son had chest pain the day after our insurance ended so we got a big bill for that. Things confuse and fluster me pretty easily so anything out of the ordinary really messes me up. I basically held up because I had to. I wonder if I am crashing because I can relax a little. Everything was held behind a dam and now it is threatening to flood the village below.

The type and amount of stress one can handle and be okay is different for everyone. I may find crowds stressful, but you may love them- that kind of thing. I find the most damaging type of stress I can have is the type that makes me worry for any extended amount of time....

Also, "crashing" per se can be because you need a med adjustment, are out of balance, aren't sleeping well, so many reasons really. Try to focus your attention away from it by listening to music, play a puzzle, read, so on. I don't mean to simplify it by any means, however what we "focus on" expands...

I can definitely relate to this feeling - there are times when it seems like the only reason I can hold things together is because there's just no choice about it. As soon as the deadline is passed or the trial is overcome, I sometimes get physically sick, usually a cold or sinus infection. Usually I feel relieved, but am so drained that a bit of depression follows.

Give yourself some time and space to recover from tough times. Stress does a lot of invisible damage that can take awhile to repair. Hang in there!

Congratulations on the shower! My personal hygiene is one of the 1st things to go when I'm beginning to descend into depression. It should really be a "warning flag"! Until recently I never really confronted how much time I've spent in depression with BP. I think when the "normies" attempt to understand it the first thing they think of is mania. About 5 weeks ago when I was "forced" to interact with neighbors in the community ( a potluck dinner I had comitted to several months prior to the onset of my most recent depression) I managed to hold it together for a couple of hours but I was paranoid, stressed out and exhausted afterwards. Have you spoken to P-doc about adjusting your meds? I am finally coming out of it (it stared in March!) and I am thankful for that. Still not completely normal, but about 75%. Try to forgive yourself. You're not bad. The depression is bad and it's not your fault. The people I know with BP (myself included) can't handle stress well and it sounds like you've had more than your share. Be gentle to yourself. Take it slow...

So I went to pdoc today and we decided to up on my Wellbutrin. She thinks that since it hasn't made me manic yet, that it won't. I just have to watch for anxiety.