[espritlibre]

I'm just so, so fed up of feeling this, it's killing me. I can't even describe it, I don't have the energy to explain it, I just want it to stop. In my head I keep thinking, "I want to die". I don't want to die, but the thought is there. I don't want to do anything extreme and end up in hospital, yet I fantasise about it. I don't want to kill myself, but I feel like the thing in my head will kill me. I want to cut until it bleeds. I want pills so I can swallow as many as it takes to block everything out. I don't want this life anymore. I want help but I don't know what help I want. I *know* this is not just depression and I *know* it's not just 'mild to moderate'.

I'm not going to do anything dangerous. But I feel like I'm dying and nothing can help.

[BNLsMOM]

Do you feel safe?

[Detach]

This video will hopefully help you, it's 5 min. long-

If you aren't familiar with his teachings I would suggest listening to a few of his videos on Youtube....

Sorry to hear you're going through a rough time. I can totally relate to how you're feeling.

Are you currently receiving any professional help?

[espritlibre]

BNLsMOM - I am safe, but when I feel like that I don't *feel* safe. I have so many destructive urges going round in my head but so far I haven't acted upon them except SI. Went to the doctor yesterday afternoon and felt completely helpless afterwards, which triggered the feelings. I just hate what it does to me.

[BNLsMOM]

If you get to the point, and preferably sooner, that you can not cope you could call your pdoc for an emergency appointment, or even go into the hospital's ER. You say you are SI. It is OK to go to the ER for that. They will help you. Be well.

[espritlibre]

When I went to the doctor, I was asking for different help from what had been offered (Health in Mind... who took two months to even write to me). I was told I had to go through that route before trying anything else. I was given a questionnaire which apparently scored me as "mild to moderate" depression even though I ticked boxes about thoughts of hurting myself. It also did not take into account that I am not depressed all the time BECAUSE MY MOOD SHIFTS BETWEEN THE EXTREMES!!! I didn't say I thought I was bipolar because I started to feel like a hypochondriac or attention seeker, trying to make out my problems were more severe than other people's or something. I suppose I just wanted the doctor to be a mind reader and agree that I might be better off seeing a pdoc - I didn't want to suggest it myself.

He said I should try antidepressants. I said that I'd tried Prozac a few years ago but it eventually stopped working and (subjective) sent me a little crazy. That is obviously a matter of opinion, but my other reason I felt was valid: I was honest and said that I don't want to kill myself and have no intention of deliberately trying, but when things get too chaotic in my head (mixed states/dysphoric mania, but I didn't say that) I lose control and am prepared to do anything to make everything stop, and that is when I am likely to take more pills than I'm supposed to. But despite me saying this, he still wrote me a prescription for mirtazapine.

I didn't go and get it on Monday - instead I came straight home and fell into a massive downer, hence my original post. Then tonight I've suddenly started to feel a mixture of anxious, agitated and hopeless, and just kept thinking, "I *need* something to make this better". Too late to go to the local pharmacy so I had a friend drive me to the next town to get my prescription. Now that I have it, I already feel a sense of relief, and less inclined to swallow a bottle which is how I felt earlier. But I do feel edgy about it - I don't want to take just one.

Feeling a bit embarrassed for having written so many "woe is me" posts over the past few days, but also feel like writing about it is stopping me from doing it :-/

[BNLsMOM]

Wow, You are going through a lot with your doctor. What I am reading is that you were holding back information, and they weren't taking you seriously. Honestly, I would call again and let them know that you didn't get a chance to express how serious your situation is. Having thoughts about swallowing a bottle of pills is dangerous. What if you get a strong impulse and can't help yourself?

Write as much and as ooften as you want. That's what the board is for. You'll find much support here.

[Detach]

Someone with bipolar really shouldn't take an antidepressant without a mood stabilizer and/or anti-psychotic, because of the high risk of mania. I'm sorry the doc didn't refer you out to a Pdoc. Regular MD's really don't know what their doing with mental health unless they're writing a script for antidepressants. I would call that docs office and talk to them about a Pdoc referral again.

[widgets]

I took prozac and it sent me crazy and then i took mirtazapine and it sent me to sleep so hopefully you will be 'ok,' on it.
Its sounds like we had much the same experiences, i happened to go into the doctors surgery in a mixed state and thats when i got referred to the EI team who deal with young people displaying signs of psychosis, had that not happened i'd still be going through the alphabet of anti depressants that the GP decides on, not really having a clue, seeing u for 5 minutes and wacking out a prescription.

[espritlibre]

I took one last night and really freaked out for a bit, but that might have been 'in my head' a bit because I was unsure about it anyway. This morning I feel like I've been drugged. Struggled to keep my eyes open on the way to work and just *really* heavy... not a pleasant sensation. I just want to go back to bed.

Widgets - it does sound very similar. Thanks for sharing x