[Lil Ant Lady]

ok... so ive been taking my meds and ive not put a foot out of line. now all i feel is numb and bored. i dont feel like im living 'my' life. part of me wants to go back to the reckless crazy idiot i used to be. i got myself into siuations for sure, but I was having at least some fun etc. now I just feel like I'm conforming to every day life as an every day normal person. im becoming apathetic. i d...ont cry any more. its like i cant - i just sit and shrug my shoulders and think '**** it'. Its like ive become normal and I really dont like it. I know tho if I come off the meds Im gonna go back to living how I was (which was fun but highly self destructive) but I will also become dellusional, paranoid, acutely anxious, depressed, manic, etc. so I know this new way of living is more beneficial to me but I just think its boring and its like i'm just existing :/

its not a nice feeling. and its also causing me to eat more (I think!) cos im not feeling fulfilled il eat for comfort - and now im putting a huge amount of weight on that could also be due to the meds tho but a lot of it has to do with me gorging

[nacht]

*hug* That kind of apathy is a big sign of depression for me personally. I don't know if it's the same for you, but... reacting with an appropriate emotion to a given situation should still be happening. If you're feeling so numb you can't even cry when you should, that isn't 'normal' either and you might want to bring it up the next time you see your pdoc. It could be something as simple as you need your meds tweaked some.

[Detach]

Originally Posted by laura youens

ok... so ive been taking my meds and ive not put a foot out of line. now all i feel is numb and bored. i dont feel like im living 'my' life. part of me wants to go back to the reckless crazy idiot i used to be. i got myself into siuations for sure, but I was having at least some fun etc. now I just feel like I'm conforming to every day life as an every day normal person. im becoming apathetic. i d...ont cry any more. its like i cant - i just sit and shrug my shoulders and think '**** it'. Its like ive become normal and I really dont like it. I know tho if I come off the meds Im gonna go back to living how I was (which was fun but highly self destructive) but I will also become dellusional, paranoid, acutely anxious, depressed, manic, etc. so I know this new way of living is more beneficial to me but I just think its boring and its like i'm just existing :/

its not a nice feeling. and its also causing me to eat more (I think!) cos im not feeling fulfilled il eat for comfort - and now im putting a huge amount of weight on that could also be due to the meds tho but a lot of it has to do with me gorging

I am now "stable" after over 2 months of hypomania and mania. I feel bored for sure! But I'm also not working...I go back to work next week which I think will help. I'm not able to cry either...my husbands step father we just found out is dying, has multiple brain tumors and nope not one tear. My husband has gone to be with him and has called me crying and again...not one tear.

I am also eating more, but my seroquel was increased. However, I'm NOT depressed, because I'm not hopeless, helpless, don't have negative thinking about myself, so on. Also, I'm not a zombie- been there done that and that is torture....and that is not what this is that I'm feeling.

I just think it takes time to adjust to being "stable" and understanding what that means. It's an adjustment, but I think well worth it. I totally "get" what your saying though, I really do. I wish I had more energy and motivation, but it seems to come in waves vs. a constant rush. I'm going to exercise today and see if that helps...also my eating has been very unhealthy. So, my body may be saying "hey you're not taking care of me" and the consequence of that may be low energy/motivation.

Just my 2 cents

Good words from above posts, laura. I'd especially echo that a med tweak/change is probably in order and that depressed and apathetic isn't "normal", so maybe it isn't "normal" that's the problem. I can definitely relate to your wanting to go off meds on account of it though. I'm in the same place. When discussing "stable" with psych today, I even joked, "yeah, stable if you mean unchanging". I've been so depressed for so long I can't help but think, "****, I can have that with no meds!" (But in reality realize I'd become even more difficult to live with, as the meds have helped with the irritability/rage stuff...)

(In reading your profile, I see you list BPD. Do you mean BP?) How long have you been taking your current med(s)? How often do you see your Pdoc to discuss how they are going?