[Diversion]

I don't really know where to start...
I feel like there are so many people on here that are like me it's like walking into a house of mirrors, very strange but kinda cool.
I was sexually abused as a small child by my grandfather for a few years before he died. I became a little bit of a bully at school, acting out. My parents divorced when i was 10. We were poor and had only a singlewide trailer. Us girls went with our mother since she was a stay at home mom.
When we tried to move the trailer to another location it was so old it broke into on the highway. I remember picking out my personal things on the side of the road out of this broken down home.
My father, distraught with the divorce and the financial implications married my mother's mother (the same one who was married to the grandfather that abused me). I called him "father" instead of his real name for over a year to punish him.
But after a year of living with my mother, her depression was too much for me and i begged to live with my father. She was always a very religious woman and met a "holy man" so she married him and let me live with my father while she ran away to another area.
I started drinking around 14. I was dealing with a father who slept with anything that stood still and a step mother who was my grandmother.
I lived downstairs with the "crazy" people she took care of in her mini-home for older patients. I dated very little.
When I was 18 i fell in love with my "drinking buddy" and decided we should get engaged. One day paranoia hit me that if i was on the pill for very long I wouldn't be able to ever have children, so i stopped...and got pregnant. I pushed for marriage. A big mistake.
I had a daughter, and tried my best to be a good mother. I went through post partum depression and she went through colic. My ex-husband kept all of his habits and added a few more. We fought for a couple of years and I finally took my daughter and what i could fit in the car and left.
What I eventually did was let my mother take care of my daughter because i wasn't really fit to do it. I felt a lot of guilt that I tried my best to drink away.
Eventually I got into the wrong crowd and started doing drugs. I was introduced to them from my ex-husband but everything is so blurry over that period it's hard to say what actually happened. I made a lot of mistakes and somehow ended up on my mother's couch going cold turkey.
I found out I had bipolar disorder, ocd, and what i now know to be a list of other things wrong with me (generalized anxiety disorder, ptsd, borderline personality disorder).
I started having a really hard time dealing with my mother's religious overtones and "rules and demands" so we got separate apartments.
I tried to take care of my daughter on my own. Her father didn't seem to want to be a part of her life until he had to pay child support. Then he wanted visitation, and she found out she could get away with more with him. She had outbursts, highly emotional. And on good days i could deal with it, but on bad days it was unbearable. So after both her and her father begged me to let her stay with him i gave in.
I was dealing with trying to get meds right and dealing with severe depression along with physical problems that eventually led to a complete hysterectomy all while trying to maintain full time college classes.
Then I met my current husband. Online lol. We hit it off on a gaming forum that a friend had recommended. He came to visit and proposed the next day. He lived 500 miles away and wanted me to come live with him. So thinking that i had no ties i left.
Three months later i find out my child is no longer happy where she's at and her father is in trouble with the law. :/ She is now living with her nana and pop (his parents) and I talk to her on a regular basis.
What i didn't anticipate was that moving 500 miles away would really alienate me from anyone or anything i knew. It's been really hard.
He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, severe paranoia, ptsd, and clinical rage. And I didn't see the full spectum of any of these until we were married.
Recently my daughter was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I cry all the time because she got it from me. She'll have to live a tormented life because of me. Had i known i had it before i got pregnant i would have never had children. But what's done is done.
Now I take 300mg Lithium 2x a day and hope to whatever gods there are that i'm not screwing myself over or making anyone else's life harder.
Days like today I'm somewhere inside myself, like lava just under the surface. Quiet, thoughtful...but always on the verge of movement.

song that's on loop: Mazzy Star "Into Dust"

[SophiaG]

I hope the child's nana and papa are stable and good role models. Having bipolar disorder isn't the end of the world, though I do know a friend who was diagnosed with it and really has borderline personality disorder, so you might want to consider that. It sounds like you went through a lot and your family is quite an unconventional one. Unconventional being an understatement, more like dysfunctional.

So, your mother suffers from depression.
your father married your grandmother, and his anti social behaviors landed him in jail.
your grandfather was abusive.
Your current boyfriend has several disorders (ptsd, paranoia, rage, bipolar disorder - it actually sounds like he might turn out to be abusive, be careful with this one.)

So where is the stability in all of this? That's what I want to know. Where are you going to find that stability to model after and become more stable? Does your child have a model of stability to model herself after?

[Diversion]

Originally Posted by SophiaG

I hope the child's nana and papa are stable and good role models. Having bipolar disorder isn't the end of the world, though I do know a friend who was diagnosed with it and really has borderline personality disorder, so you might want to consider that. It sounds like you went through a lot and your family is quite an unconventional one. Unconventional being an understatement, more like dysfunctional.

So, your mother suffers from depression.
your father married your grandmother, and his anti social behaviors landed him in jail.
your grandfather was abusive.
Your current boyfriend has several disorders (ptsd, paranoia, rage, bipolar disorder - it actually sounds like he might turn out to be abusive, be careful with this one.)

So where is the stability in all of this? That's what I want to know. Where are you going to find that stability to model after and become more stable? Does your child have a model of stability to model herself after?

Despite my ex's self-destructive behavior , her nana and pop are really stable and sympathetic people. They are good parents imo. They have talked with me about mydaughter being diagnosed and are coming to terms with what she needs and how to deal with her feelings. I feel they can provide a lot more stability than I can on most days.

LOL yeah, "dysfunctional" is the correct word for my family i think. Although I"m seeing more and more that no one's family is perfect. I still deal with feelings of resentment and bitterness towards some members. I have made peace with most, but i know that a lot of what happened has left a mark on me.

The problem with my current husband is that is was in the army for 6 years, was an army ranger. And he was good at it. Despite the very abusive home he grew up in i think the army is what finally broke him. He didn't realize how damaged he was and fought a lot so when he was discharged it was dishonorable without a diagnosis.
He only recently was diagnosed with all of these things and although i do feel he could control his temper a little better at times I am sympathetic to these facts.

I didn't realize how hard it would be to actually be married to someone with mental disorders as well. We do tend to be a strong shoulder for one another , but when we are both having a bad day it can be disastrous.

The problem atm is that he hasn't been on disability long enough to get health insurance and we can't afford it on our income. So while i'm gettnig help he's trying to deal with his on his own. So it's a daily struggle to not let the sticks of dynamite rub together. :/

My daughter is by far the best part of my life i can honestly say. Although my heart breaks for her to have to go through the things i did with BP, she seems to be resilient, always cracking a joke and sharing her feelings. I have hope for her and try my best to keep in contact with her.

I hope that answers some of your questions and thanks for reading through all of my garble lol.

[Diversion]

Ok well rather than explain all that nonsense above i'm going to post an update here.

The past few weeks have been really tough. My husband and I seem to be fighting more than we usually do. I think he actually resents the fact that I am on medication and getting help with my disability. I have stopped going anywhere public with him because we always end up in a public fight and i think it's bad enough that i feel like crap from us fighting at home but to have others look at you with sympathy because your husband is berating you in public is just too much for me.

The last week or so when we fight he has just grabbed the keys and left without a word to me. He always comes back in a better mood but i'm sitting there wringing my hands wondering what he's doing or if he's coming back.

Today we got into it over something silly (it usually is something petty and small) and he started throwing things. He threw a lighter over my head and hit the wall just above me. I wasn't expecting it so i was shocked and starting crying. Then he jerked the dry erase board from the hallway wall and in the process of throwing it he hit my arm with it. Gonna have a good bruise from that one tomorrow. That was it, I yelled F You! and told him the only reason he ever wanted me around was for a punching bag and someone to blame for everything he didn't want to deal with.

He said he would just leave me and grabbed a bag and left. I don't know what to think. I have no idea whether he will come back or when. I think right now i'm hoping he will stay gone for a while.

Sad part is today is our anniversary of when we first met. Two days from now will be my birthday. I know it sounds silly but if he's not here by my birthday i'm planning to get a u-haul and get my stuff and make the 500mile trek backto where my family is. Of course they all want me back home but i am a big ball of nerves at the moment so it's hard to be happy about seeing them again.

ON top of that the grandparents that have been taking care of my child just got back news from the doctor. Her grandfather is ordered to have much less stress or else things are going to go very bad for him. I feel bad that they are taking care of her to start with , but with this news I'm thinking maybe a move back home on my own might be best for me and her.

I shouldn't have to mention to anyone who has been in this kinda relationship but I am having torn feelings about leaving him. I found out that we both have borderline personality disorder and I do love him very much.
But at this point in time i feel like we are bad for each other, like we bring out the worst in each other. I don't remember the last time i was just happy for no reason. I used to be. I just wanna get back to that.

so i.e. ....lots of changes in store for Diversion i guess