Everything seems to go right for a stretch and then at the drop of a hat, just turns to s**t. I suppose that is the nature of bipolarism, eh? The problem is that when things are good, i don't remember the bad. Then inevitably the awfulness returns and I'm just as ill-prepared for it as I was the last time. I let my guard down, convincing myself that I've finally broken free of the depression that descended upon me as a plague would, triggered by a bad day at work. I get so tired of fighting myself, there are days when I'm ready to hang it up, honestly. I'm tired, I'm lonely, and there's still not a chance in hell I'm going back on meds. My mind is racing, I don't feel right. I just don't know what to do at this point and I am sick to death of the psychiatric establishment. PHDs keep your distance please, I've got more life experience backing up than you have coming forward.

Reading your post, I can relate a lot. Having been in the psych hospital 9 times, I know how it feels to think things are finally going well, and then it comes crashing down. It's damn frustrating! For me, personally, (and for most people with Bipolar, I believe) medication is an important part of my recovery, along with therapy. I have never personally heard of anyone with Bipolar maintaining balance without the help of medications. That being said, if you've made up your mind about meds, then that's OK. It's your personal choice. I understand how frustrating it can be to try combo after combo, often making things worse.

Are you willing to try therapy? I know you say "PHDs, keep your distance"...does that include therapists? (Many therapists don't have their PHDs, actually!)

Do you have anyone in your life that you can talk to? A family member, friend, partner? Or maybe even just writing out how you're feeling...sorry if these sound like lame suggestions, I just want to get my thoughts out there.

I'm sorry you're in this place right now, because I've been there and I know how bad it feels. I hope you are able to find something that works for you, to achieve the balance you want and deserve.

[roads]

I wish I could think of something that might be helpful, gulas. You sound all worn out, shut down, closed up; if you had a "gone fishing" sign up, that would be good, but it feels more like a "go away" sign.

Melissa's right about the therapy world--psychologists & a bunch of different kinds of counselors involved, all sorts of people with different personalities. Maybe you could give that a try.

You've had some pretty good insights in the forums for other people. Maybe you'd be able to look at your own situation with a little more perspective in therapy. Might work for you.

Don't want to lose you so really hope you'll hang on.
Roadrunner

[AniManiac]

Originally Posted by gulas

The problem is that when things are good, i don't remember the bad. Then inevitably the awfulness returns and I'm just as ill-prepared for it as I was the last time.

I fall into this trap all the time. I feel good now, so I must have been exaggerating how bad things were back in February. I'm getting plenty of stable sleep now, so all of those episodes where I didn't sleep more than 2 or 3 hours a night for a week? Clearly just anomalies, they won't happen again.

Except they do. And I'm trying to wise up. I'm in therapy "for real" this time, so hopefully it will help. I can't figure out any other way forward, because everything I've tried on my own has failed. So for me, it's time for help. It kinda sounds like you might benefit from some assistance as well. Maybe there are some options you haven't tried yet?

BTW, not all PhDs fall into the smarter-than-thou category. Some of us are struggling right alongside everyone else here. (though I'll be ABD for at least few more months...)

Hang in there - I've seen you make some really insightful comments, and I hope you can both find some support for yourself and continue to keep supporting others.

Thanks for all the suggestions; they are all quite good. And I'm happy to report I'm 55.5 % better today.

There is no one in my life I feel comfortable telling this stuff to so I'm telling you. Lucky you, eh? Anonymously seems to be the only way I can bare my soul. Things have been generally fine-except when they're not. Everything seems to be going just swimmingly and then along comes one day which so thoroughly derails you as to almost negate your existence up until that moment. I know that all of you know of what I speak, I've read your posts rather keenly and am grateful for the feedback.

I've met some pleasant, insightful therapists over the years. But inevitably I find myself soft-selling my ailment, or anticipating the responses and responding not naturally, freely but as if I am following some script.
I have never been particularly free with my emotions. And I realize the point of therapy is to unlock that log-jam of the mind but I have ever been too impatient to give anyone more than a cursory look at my soul, so to speak. So, as always, I keep my own counsel...and, as you can see, suffer for it. Woe is me.

I do regret the PHD dig. Perhaps I was thinking of a few therapists in my history....However I'm sure the empathetic PHDs on this forum are wise enough to know when a fellow's gone "bi-polar"- or is simply having an off day. And also recognize that any clinical approach (to anything) needs to be tempered with wisdom that cannot be arrived at in any academic setting. This from an amateur scholar.

[AniManiac]

Originally Posted by gulas

Thanks for all the suggestions; they are all quite good. And I'm happy to report I'm 55.5 % better today.

There is no one in my life I feel comfortable telling this stuff to so I'm telling you. Lucky you, eh? Anonymously seems to be the only way I can bare my soul. Things have been generally fine-except when they're not. Everything seems to be going just swimmingly and then along comes one day which so thoroughly derails you as to almost negate your existence up until that moment. I know that all of you know of what I speak, I've read your posts rather keenly and am grateful for the feedback.

We've all been there - glad you're feeling better today! Sometimes a little time is all it takes. Too bad it feels so crappy in the meantime, right?

Originally Posted by gulas

I've met some pleasant, insightful therapists over the years. But inevitably I find myself soft-selling my ailment, or anticipating the responses and responding not naturally, freely but as if I am following some script.
I have never been particularly free with my emotions. And I realize the point of therapy is to unlock that log-jam of the mind but I have ever been too impatient to give anyone more than a cursory look at my soul, so to speak. So, as always, I keep my own counsel...and, as you can see, suffer for it. Woe is me.

Yes, this!

I guess I've just gotten to the point where I'm willing to make an honest attempt at therapy to get what I need out of these shenanigans. I also tend to understate my issues, but that has to stop because it's never going to solve anything. I haven't given therapy a fair try yet and I figure it will help to have someone who will listen, but I don't expect it to be pleasant or easy.

Originally Posted by gulas

I do regret the PHD dig. Perhaps I was thinking of a few therapists in my history....However I'm sure the empathetic PHDs on this forum are wise enough to know when a fellow's gone "bi-polar"- or is simply having an off day. And also recognize that any clinical approach (to anything) needs to be tempered with wisdom that cannot be arrived at in any academic setting. This from an amateur scholar.

No offense taken - and psychiatry isn't my field anyway, thank goodness!