Feeling lost and need some input

Hi gang,

I know it's been a while since I've posted about anything that's been getting to me, but I got some shocking news at work last week and I can't shake it. This is going to be lengthy, so please bear with me.

A bit of background:
My company's headquartered in Freiberg, Germany with a sister company in Michigan that oversees the sales and service operations for North America. We often get employees from our parent company in Germany to work here in the States for 4 to 12 month stretches. Being in a foreign country for any length of time can wear on a person. This is where my story begins.

Reinhard came to us in May 2005 for a 12-month assignment as a service technician. He was an energetic, boisterous, often eccentric person but very passionate about his job. Around the holidays, all he could do was tell anyone who would listen how excited he was to be going back to Germany for a much-deserved three week holiday. He was due to come back to work for us January 18th.

Our Vice President called an "all-hands" meeting on Tuesday, January 17th (this is VERY rare). He received word from his father (president of our parent company) that Reinhard had taken his own life earlier that morning. Needless to say, we were all completely shocked.

I had a very close working relationship with Reinhard, as I do with all my service techs since I handle their expense reports and credit card statements. If they have a problem, I'm their go-to girl. The hardest thing for me is I had a 15-minute conversation with Reinhard on Friday January 13th about how excited he was to be coming back to work. He was his normal boisterous self, talking at the speed of light as he always did. He wanted to know if there was anything I wanted him to bring me from Germany. (If any of you are chocolate lovers, you know that Germany's Milka rivals Godiva beyond compare.) I told him I wanted lots and lots of Milka. He laughed and said "I'll take care of you, don't worry, Jenn!" We chatted about our holidays, and he was describing our new German tech to me. It was a very light-hearted conversation, and there was no inkling of dark clouds in his horizon.

On Thursday January 19th, our weekly shipment from Germany came (it leaves Freiberg every Monday). There was a huge box with a bottle of champagne and a few cases of assorted Milka chocolates. We can only guess this was from Reinhard. There was no note, no card...nothing. None of us have touched any of these items, all of us having our own reasons, mine being that I asked for the chocolate.

Although we never socialized outside of the office, I still have this pit in my stomach. There have been tons of rumors as to the how's and why's, of which I turn a deaf ear. I don't want to know how, but I wish I knew why. I mean, he sounded like Good Ole Reinhard just 4 short days before all of this.

Maybe I'm just too soft-hearted, but his passing hasn't been easy for me. Having attempted the same in the past, this hits too close to home for me. I know I shouldn't beat myself up over this, but it still leaves its mark. I'm not dwelling on it, but it still lingers in the back of my mind. Maybe I just need to let time take over and try to put it out of my mind, but I feel like I wouldn't be doing his memory any justice. Thanks for letting me vent.

Dolfin

Hi Dolfin,

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend...it's so sad, and such a shock when something like this happens. It is so hard to accept a death that is so seemingly purposeless, especially in one so young and so alive.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you and to Reinhard and his family. I pray that he has found his peace.

DJ

Dolfin,
I'm sorry to hear this, and I know how hard this all is for everyone that knew him. I'm not going to go into "Roe's real life files" but I really do know what you may be feeling.
((((((((((( Dolfin ))))))))))))

It is not uncommon for us bipolars to feel so "up" and all, while in the recesses of our mind we are thinking in a entirely different place. There are several reasons and then some will never know the reason. Based on a personal situation, after suicidal ideations consume one,embracing the thought of death takes over, it can even appear that this person is at peace, almost one can say seems happy.
But the happiness isn't "happiness" as known, it is "depression", that wicked monster is rejoicing over it's catch for the day.
I'm not saying this is what has happened with your friend, but is one of the many things that can occur, especially if a person decides to stop taking their meds., that happens often, especially when someone is near or in a manic episode, you get to feeling so good, a person feels, "what the heck do I need these for"? I have seen in my household as a kid, what happens then. . .total disaster.
Enough of my ramblings.
This is so very sad, and I am sure for those who knew him and even maybe just met him, are both devastated.
Like DJ said, I hope he found peace.
I hope and pray, none of us will ever find peace in that manner. I almost did, about 5yrs ago., another long story.
Please take care and know we are here if you wish to talk, or just hang out.

Rosanne

Dolfin,

I am so very sorry to hear about your friend and co-worker Reinhard.

Having worked with Hospice and grief counseling, one thing I can offer is that grief is very real and *necessary* to the healing process of the grieving person. Unfortunately, our western society can't deal with death well, so we sweep it under the rug and get 3 days off work. However, grieving (depending on lots of varying circumstances) can be from 1-3 years.

Grieving is healthy, hurts like anything at first. But those who don't grieve appropriately will either grieve years down the road or the grief may come out in physical illness.

So, please be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to grieve. If you would like to talk, please feel free to PM me anytime.

Azalysa,
Perfectly put, that is all so true what you have just said.
I have always told those newly grieving, that the so called steps of it do not necessarily have to fall in the same order as another person. You are probably familar with the various books about grieving, and the steps some authors write about. My feeling is that there are no time limits, nor should someone feel pressured of when the grieving process should be over. It is individual, and I wish society would allow time for those that grieve.
My mother-in-law who has lost her husband,son and sisters and brothers, hurt me when I was still feeling weepy at time I had just lost my dad,it was a month after his death and Christmas time, 2002. This is just like her approach to depression and mental disorders, she ignorantly told me to "snap out of it, and get over it", so cruel when others think that is "the way", grrrrrrrrrr!
Sorry, for digressing, one of my major flaws.
Dolfin, I hope you never feel pressured by those around you,when or when not to grieve, it is a healing sort of process though in the begining it is really difficult.
Please know, you always have people here for you.
Take care now,
Rosanne

((((((((( Dolfin )))))))))

(((((((((((((((Jenn))))))))))))))))
I am so sorry. I wish there was more I could say or do to make the pain subside. Please don't hesitate to PM me if you need to talk, ok?

Much Love, Jenn