[allme]

Hi all,

It's been a while since I've been here and that's basically because everything 'seemed' to be going ok but now it's heading a direction that is unfamiliar to me.

For the large majority of my illness, I suffer with depression and it's haunted me for years. However, over 2 months ago I started to feel 'normal' (meaning, remission) which was great! I haven't been in remission for years! So all was good and then I slipped into hypomania.....nothing to really be concerned about but yes I was on a little 'high'. I gthen progressed into manic. Manic for me in relationship destroying...I start to believe I am too good for my husband and just about everyone around me. I become highly inappropriate and start believing I have a special connection with God....I am untouchable. Having a connection with God alone isn't a problem....but on a non manic day, I am an athiest.

Anyway...slowly I have been driving my husband away. I am no longer manic, well atleast I don't think so. But anyway I am dragging on....tonight i had a HUGE argument with my husband and I couldn't understand why he couldn't see the arguement from my point of view....blasted his views out of the window and at this moment I really do believe he is a thick twat. At this moment I really do feel as though I 'played' him. There was no arguing with me...I felt superior and he, right now, looks like a retard to me. I was coming out with words and was highly articulate. I was quite proud with how I sppke and worded things to him. Argh again I am dragging on....my main reason for coming here is...well basically, I don't feel emotion like I used to. I have near no remorse for the way I made him feel and actually feel like an alien has taken over my mind and body. You have to understand, I am usually a highly emtional, feeling empathic person. I have noticed this numbness coming on slowly. my CPN came to see me last week and I actually said 'I couldn't give a f@@@ what ppl think of me, all I care about is what I think'. Again, when I looked at her, I saw weakness..I saw someone who was weak because she had feeling and compassion for me. Although I did tell her....I don't need it cause I don't care anymnore. I don't care about my mum, my dad or my brother either. Actually i told my brother exactly what I thought about him a few days ago. I swore at him and told him what I had been wanting to tell him for years. He is a cancer that spreads around and destroys everything in his path. Honestly...he is.

AGAIN I am going on, what I want to know is, have any of you exp this 'unfeeling'? Also my dog has a matter of days to live.....she has cancer and is very old and I don't feel anything. Actually, what I did think was, well that's one less thing to worry about. A few months ago, she was 'my baby'. I dont understand whats going on.

Any thoughts??

[allme]

Oh just forget it.

[AniManiac]

I have felt numb when depressed in the past.

Some of this sounds like the kind of irritability that might go along with mania - so maybe you're still having some manic symptoms, but just different from before?

[Sanguinaire]

its indifference...its empty but then youre strong

[allme]

maybe.....but after writing that i read it and started crying...go figure! For someone who cant feel hell I am feeling it ...I am so confused

[allme]

ok..wiped away the tears....f@@@ it

[allme]

yes I do feel strong...

[allme]

well, stronger anyway. I cried and I felt weak. I dont like it. Maybe indifference aint such a bad way to be

[unaluna]

As I was reading your post, I was thinking, yes, that's how I used to feel, because I was not connected to people like I am now on PC. I felt superior. But the truth is, I used to be more connected to people who would hurt me and who didn't like me - my family. Now I am less connected to them - like not at all - and more connected to the people I want.

I would love to have you back. I still have you on my friends page, which I just saw the other day when I went to the library to use the computer. I missed your little puggy face!

I am so sorry about your dog. You are probably just feeling too MUCH to let yourself feel anything. I wish you would let us help you carry the load. your pal, hanky

[allme]

Thanks Hankster <3 I have woken up with that feeling again....hmmm more like not feeling. I don't care that my husband wont talk to me...it's his loss really, I couldn't give a damn. Some tears came from me last night....I didn't like the feeling and glad it has gone away again. Although it may seem like a bad thing, the place that I am, for the first time in my life, I don't care how ppl look at me and I am no longer scared of being alone. i think being alone is the only place where I will find peace. i don't mean being alone in the physical sense but more in the emotional sense.

Thanks again <3

[allme]

I cannot stand being preached at...it makes me laugh how these 'perfect people' come along and say 'hey...do exactly as I say and your prblem is solved...duhhhh it's easy' Well......it's not fricking easy and don't preach....unless you have something constructive to say.... there's the door...now go away until you come down off that high horse of yours' How great it must be to have all the answers and look at us mere mortals that clearly have no idea how to handle situatuions that are as delicate as the one you are speaking about. It seems to me that some ppl get a kick out of stating the obvious and writing a novel about a subject they clearly have no real insight to. So pls, you and your horse can trot on through as your words and ego have no place here.


rant over.

[lad007]

You aren't alone in how you feel. I get in these states where my relationships are so bad, and I could not care less, and I like the feeling of making another person feel bad.

[allme]

yes I relate to that.....does this usually happen to you while manic?

[unaluna]

just as an aside, this reminded me that I have 3 favorite old Calvin and Hobbes comic strips (the kid with the lion stuffy that looks alive to him?): 1 where it's so cold out the boogers in his nose freeze and he gets so excited about that 2 somehow he "accidentally" moons his class 3 he's in a bad mood and he gets this evil grin on his face as he says, he wants the rest of the world to be miserable too! Hey, I didn't draw them...! The first two made me LOL, the third I cut out and put in my dayrunner as a bookmark. :

[allme]

haha! Gonna have to look these up

[OneDown]

I have similar feelings when I'm hypomanic - I don't need anyone, they're all morons and are all lucky that I tolerate their stupidity, etc. Then revert back during depression to feeling that I'll die without them.

Roller-coaster.

[allme]

Yes it certainly is a roller coaster. I relate to thos feelings while in a state of hypomania too...however, my recent 'manic' episode have seen these feelings spiral into another dimension. Truth is...I don't, ever, want to go back to that weeping mess that 'feels' everything. It's too much like hard work. Or maybe I have finally cracked? I mean, I am only human afterall.....maybe all this 'feeling' nonsense has finally tipped me over the edge.....

[allme]

Just spoke with CPN over the phone...so, she said pdoc advised I half my vadaxx to 75mg.....also on Mirtazpine but that is to stay howit is along with my 300mg of seroquel...to be monitored over the next week and then we take it from there....oh wow another medication alteration...how thrilled am I??