[tnlibrarian]

Okay, I told you guys about my husband deciding on his own, without my input, that we are never moving. Every time it came up he talked to me like I was a child who needed something explained to them. Well, yesterday he comes home and tells me that there is a promotion open at work and that he's been talking to the guy about it. Once again--any input I offered or questions I asked were basically laughed at or were disregarded. I finally told him that while, yes, I am bipolar I should be giving input to decisions, especially major ones. I told him that while I realize it doesn't effect him in any way if we don't move it has a major effect on my career and it is one that is truly destructive. If we stay here the best I can really hope for is to be a public librarian. That means starting out at $25,000, which my husband says isn't good enough. His attitude is that I may just have to take a job in an unrelated field, even if it means working as a secretary. No offense to any public librarians out there--but I didn't go get a MA in English, MS in Information Sciences and graduate with honors as an undergrad to be a public librarian or a legal assistant. When we moved the first time, he hadn't even attempted to find a job in the Nashville area and just assumed I would be fine with dropping out of the PhD program I was in. When I wasn't fine with just quitting my PhD he didn't understand.

Then last night it was like I wasn't capable of taking care of the kids. Everything I told them to do was either contradicted by him or he would jump in and take over. It was a battle to even get to hold the baby. After supper it was like, "You're done. Get your shower and go to bed." Well, the baby was super fussy at around 11:00. I tried to help and basically got told to go away. I stood my ground, gave the child gas drops for his tummy and Tylenol for his teeth and rocked him. He was happy being rocked by me--but then my husband decided he needed to send me to bed.

I know he's been supportive and he's probably just trying to help but I resent being treated like I'm a mentally handicapped person. I'm an intelligent human being who he has always bragged about being a good mother. Now I'm suddenly not capable of caring for my children? Who does he think is doing it when he's at work or out riding his motorcycle? A fairy godmother? Who does he think gives them their baths, helps our oldest with homework, takes care of the baby, holds their heads when they are vomiting and who does he think they are calling for when they have a nightmare during the night or get hurt? My twin?

It's just so totally insulting to be treated like an incompetent child all of the sudden because of my bipolar. Up until now he never gave a crap if I got sleep, was cycling, depressed, manic or whatever as long as he didn't have to do anything and got sex. I know his mom acts like I'm the worst mother of the year so maybe that's rubbing off on him. When the girls were little he did nothing--zero, nada--to help. He wouldn't even hold them unless he had to. I was basically a single mother with a wedding ring. I've proven for 8 years I am capable of caring for my children.

I know he's not having an affair because he's always at work when I call him and he's always home. So I don't worry about that. What I do worry about is my kids watching him and deciding "We don't have to listen to Mom" because he jumps in and takes over or contradicts me. I'm worried my kids will start acting like I'm an idiot, which is going to lead to them being grounded and losing privilges every time they turn around. I just want to be treated like I'm an intelligent human being and not a moron or a nutcase who might be committed at any minute. It's so frustrating and infuriating.

[AniManiac]

Wow, that's a lot going on. I remember you've said that finances are tight, so that suggests no couples counseling? Anything else available along those lines? It seems like you're working to communicate but things have been going awry - it's too much at once to be able to keep up, even if you actually are Superwoman!

Do you have any options for therapy at all? Even if just for yourself, it would probably help you deal with the situation - but it also sounds like an objective third party would help you and your husband work things out. There are a lot of stressors going on besides your mental health, between the kids and career options and possible relocation. Really, that would drive anyone batty.

Keep hanging in there...

[tnlibrarian]

There's no chance for therapy. The relocation thing--my husband has made it clear that will not happen, ever, and if it does we will be hiring someone to come in just in case I'm committed. I don't want some strange woman coming into my home and playing Mommy to MY children. And that's the thing--it's like my husband is just assuming I'll be put in the psych hospital at some point. That it's unavoidable. He told me last night that if I don't want to end up in a psych hospital and I want any hopes of moving I'm going to have to learn to "totally control the problem and get rid of it". My response to him was that is like me telling him to get rid of his diabetes. It is seriously that idiotic. I know him and his mom have been discussing my "condition" so maybe part of this crap is coming from her.

I just know that I am tired of being treated like a child. I've developed thing for our priest (bad, I know) and it's because he talks to me like I'm an intelligent human being. He has told me that my bipolar does not change the way he views me and he still thinks I'm a wonderful, intelligent person. I feel horrible having a crush on another man but I guess someone making you feel like their equal does that sometimes.

[needfixing]

why does your hubby have such a short fuse with you?
it sounds like he needs some t time too.
he's so negative, that would drive me CRAZY!
have you tried talking to him? ask what's on his mind, why the short fuse with you?
keep us posted

[tnlibrarian]

I talked to him today. He says he doesn't want anymore stress on me than necessary and that he's worried that I'll get like I was before, meaning suicidal. He thinks I'm trying to do too much and that I need to put my health before all else. What he doesn't understand is not having any control or any say about anything and every decision revolving around my bipolar is causing a huge amount of stress. I'm an extremely independent person and I don't like feeling like I'm painted into a corner.

Originally Posted by tnlibrarian

Okay, I told you guys about my husband deciding on his own, without my input,...I know he's been supportive and he's probably just trying to help but I resent being treated like I'm a mentally handicapped person. I'm an intelligent human being who he has always bragged about...It's just so totally insulting to be treated like an incompetent child all of the sudden because of my bipolar. .. I just want to be treated like I'm an intelligent human being and not a moron or a nutcase who might be committed at any minute. It's so frustrating and infuriating.

Originally Posted by tnlibrarian

... He told me last night that if I don't want to end up in a psych hospital and I want any hopes of moving I'm going to have to learn to "totally control the problem and get rid of it". .. He has told me that my bipolar does not change the way he views me and he still thinks I'm a wonderful, intelligent person. ...

Wow. Kind of sounds like my ex times 10, plus control freak (which he wasn't). But there was sort of a parent/child relationship there too. Not including me in some significant decisions over the years...He'd brag about my smarts too, but when it came to working/making money? (To be fair, he's right on that count and it's causing huge problems for me now.) He didn't have BP to go on about by name (undiagnosed till near the end -- a whole other chapter...), but behavior, lack of control, "what the hell is your problem?!", all kinds of results and fallout? Oh yes. Hear you! It's definitely frustrating! Like somehow not being a "real" adult!
And hell no, I don't think that's too much you're asking to much to be treated as a competent intelligent adult who should be a real part of decision-making!!!

Originally Posted by tnlibrarian

That means starting out at $25,000, which my husband says isn't good enough.
--but then my husband decided he needed to send me to bed...

Needed to send you to bed?! Sheesh.
Not enough as a second income?! (And me being totally jealous here, but I'd love to be able to make that much! You have much more education, so I do understand how that would be to you, though.) Are you in the loop on the finances? Are there things that are more than necessary or extraneous altogether? If there are, it'd be worth looking at if those are providing any kind of justification for this "well, that just isn't enough" stuff. Frankly it seems he only has 2 alternatives on the list, neither of which can you "win" on. Stay? You can't make enough to suit him. Move? You could make enough to suit him (and provide professional satisfaction for you) but he won't allow that(!) (Or at least with parameters acceptable to you.) This is unreasonable. He can't have it both ways. (And to be blunt, this is classic control freak behavior.... giving no-win "options".)

I really wish you could figure a way to get some counseling. There's so much here that it could be helpful for. (Like you, I wonder too about the MIL factor... Do you have enough interaction with her to know her attitudes toward your BP? And how much influence she has over your husband's thinking in general?) Hope I'm not with the underlined part. It's pretty obvious in that particular circumstance, but I'm guessing that's not isolated. And can't help but wonder if that preceded the BP dx. Because it'd sure be easy to see how someone could use BP as an even greater justification for that kind of behavior.

Edited to add (on account of your most recent post)... it does sound like he may have a good intention, BUT still, it seems he doesn't realize the ways he's being counter-productive to it.