[dragonfly2]

Has anybody ever tried to get to the pain inside? To really sit with it and feel it so you can heal? It's there - the pain and grief I haven't resolved - but it's just out of reach. I start to cry a little and things just shut off. It's really pissing me off - I just want to FEEL it, dammit! But it's just out of reach.

I used to be able to feel things very deeply. Not sure if it's the meds or the dissociation kicking in, or maybe a combination of the two, but something's interfering and I want it to stop. I don't feel particularly dissociated, though. Just blocked. It's a different feeling than the dissociation.

I don't want to take these meds anymore, but I know that's not the answer. At least part of me knows that. The other part of me is ready to throw them out the window. In the ten years of being on medication since my diagnosis, I've never gone off of them once. I don't plan on doing it now, but the thought is very tempting. I just want to feel again.

[BlackPup]

When I'm mildly depressed I feel like that - maybe your meds need a tweak so that you can feel more.
another thing I sometimes do is watch a sad movie just to cry out what's stuck on the inside and can't get out...
or if I'm angry then the punching bag is a good option to get things out.

[expressiveone]

I totally relate with you dragonfly...it is annoying to be upset inside and not be able to express it so you can move on. I agree about watching a sad movie...I watched Fried Green Tomatoes the other day and I cried like a baby, it felt so good to get it out! Although I must say that it can be so frustrating to be shut off to the point that you can't connect with a movie to even be able to cry. I've been there too. Hope you get to cry soon to get some of this out!

[Beebizzy]

I know how you feel dragonfly... I can't cry when I'm depressed. Or when I'm not.

When I'm depressed I mostly feel nothing at all. If I feel anything it's sadness (no tears) and / or guilt. If I move into psychosis I feel great fear of anything outside my apartment - everyone is looking at me, I damage people and so on.

I think sometimes our feelings shut down as a self-protective mechanism. The pain is so great that they just say 'nope, I'm not having this' and the walls go up.

I wish I had an answer for this. Just wanted to say that I absolutely understand you.

[Rosie23]

I've been there too. And yes it takes something like a sad movie or a song to trigger the release and once the door opens it just flows out. But if you can't get it to bubble to the surface it just sort of sits there and festers. Which just sucks completely.

[dragonfly2]

Thanks for your replies everyone.

I was able to use some music yesterday to try to chip away at some of the wall and it helped. Not quite there yet, but working on it.