Having kids....

Hi all,
I am new to this site and am hoping to get some feedback on an issue that has been leaving me sleepless.

I have BP and had a pretty rough time until I was diagnosed 5 years ago. I have been pretty stable on Seroquel but still deal with a lot of anxiety, irritability and mood swings. As I'm sure it is for many of you, life is often a daily struggle.

I have a daughter who was born before I was diagnosed. I am convinced that she has inherited BP (no she has not been diagnosed with anything...she is very young...call it maternal intuition). I agonize over the guilt and the worry....

The thing is that my husband would really like to have another child. I really hope no one takes any offense from this but I am really struggling with the prospect of bringing another child into this world who has a reasonable chance of inheriting this devastating disease. My husband is healthy so hasn't really experienced anything like what BP can do. He didn't know me when things were at their worst.

I am wondering how others who have dealt with this decision have come to terms with it? I'd love to know the thoughts of some of you who have lived with BP.

Thanks for your insight....

Hi, well I have two children and expecting my third. My oldest is nine years old. I had both my boys before diagnosis, and my third now after diagnosis.

I have bipolar and I have a cousin with schizophrenia. On top of that my kids are at risk of diabetes, heart disease, a genetic heart defect, several types of cancer and leukemia, asthma, rheumatoid arthritis, ADD, and kidney disease. All of these things are in not only my family but my husband's family.

As for my two boys right now... my oldest definitely has anxiety. He's pretty sensitive. I keep an eye on him. I was sensitive too, but so far all I see is that high anxiety. And my youngest, it wouldn't shock me to discover he has ADD. Either way, I know what my mom and dad didn't. I know what to look for and keep an eye on them.

And this is all about the truth there: life itself is a risk. My mom suffered with breast cancer, but she fought it. I was her great hope, she fought to live for me probably more than herself. I don't know if she would have fought so hard if she was alone.

My kids they give me reasons to fight. My husband gives me a reason to fight. Just like my mom had me and my dad, I have them. And they have me. If you don't want another baby, that's fine, but let your husband understand why. But every baby born is at risk of something painful, scary, and none of us can be 100% healthy and protected.

It is your choice to have more kids or not. And if you're worried about your daughter have her evaluated legitimately. You say she is very young, so it may be hard to tell. I think my youngest has ADD, but I'm going to wait to have him evaluated because he's so young. I don't want to saddle him with a diagnosis that may just actually be a phase. But I keep an eye on him.

Statistically there's a 9% chance that your kid would get BP, 14% chance of major depressive disorder. Those probabilities go up with more evidence of MI in the immediate family.

I've never been interested in having kids, and it was an immediate point of agreement with my hubby. I had already decided that I didn't want to burden another soul with the kind of depression I had experienced already. My position on that has only strengthened as my mental health has deteriorated. I now know that I would almost certainly pass on ADHD and very likely MDD if not bipolar (80% of immediate family has/had ADHD, 100% of immediate family treated for MDD) so that basically just reinforces the choice. Notably, it's not just a matter of genes but also upbringing - that whole nature/nurture thing. For me, the nature half of the equation is already loaded in a way that would probably be hard to out-nurture.

We never wanted kids. I feel further justified in the choice because I wouldn't wish the kind of suffering I've experienced on my worst enemy, much less someone I love. For other people, the odds might not be so overwhelmingly negative, so it might be a harder choice - for me, it's easy. (Not to mention the part where I really don't want to have kids!)

A lot of other people around here do have healthy kids and are successful parents. So I'd say that same as all of them would - it's up to you and your husband.

I had both my kids before being diagnosed.

Myself, as much as I would love to have a third. I cannot put myself or another child through what I've gone through these past few years. I felt disconnected from both my children as infants, I missed most of my daughters 2nd year of life in bed with severe depression. My mood swings scare my kids and was the reason I found a therapist.

I have a friend with BP and has four kids. We're not super close but she seems to handle pregnancy and life just fine. I do not know if she takes meds while pregnant but I do know she has help from her parents all the time.

I think part of the process is making sure you have a good support system in place.

I had my first child before being diagnosed and was diagnosed the same week I discovered I was pregnant with my second child. (Suffice to say I think I was a little manic in the weeks prior. )

I have seen ranges of anywhere from 10 to 30 percent of children being born to one parent with bipolar actually developing bipolar. It goes up to 50-70 percent if both parents have it. My husband suffers from depression, but has a bipolar brother, so the genetics are certainly there. Both of my kids have shown signs and are have been at various levels of treatment.

That being said, I think the fact that I have bipolar disorder (aside from the genetic crap shoot they've been given) has actually been to their advantage in helping them with their own potential illnesses. Part of the reason that bipolar disorder can become so chronic and severe is that the longer the episodes go untreated, the more actual damage is done to the brain. By nipping things in the bud while they're young, it is my hope that I can spare them the severity and chronicity I have experienced.

Even in just the last ten years, so much has been discovered about bipolar. Treatments have improved and people seem to be diagnosed sooner. Clinicians' awareness of it is higher and it is actually being acknowledged in children.

My primary concern right now, if I were in the position of making your decision, would be the state of my health during and after the pregnancy. Like I said, I was diagnosed and discovered I was pregnant at the same time. I was already rapid cycling from the antidepressants I had been taking for a miscarriage the year before and even after coming off the meds, continued to cycle throughout the entire pregnancy. I did not take any medication during the pregnancy.(This was 11 years ago and I didn't have as much to choose from as we do today.) The period after the pregnancy was very difficult. I have chosen not to have any more children because of the state my health was in after my daughter was born.

Your husband needs to really understand that you could become sick after the baby is born and commit to being there for you. You're in a much better position now than you were before your first child was born in that you've been in treatment and have learned to manage your illness. Your pdoc can work with you and your OB/GYN during the pregnancy - there are meds you can take. There may even be perinatal psych specialists in your area who could also be brought on board. My pdoc referred me to one so I could continue to breastfeed once I started my meds.

I agree with dark_heart though - there are so many different illnesses we may genetically pass on to our kids. But we are armed with the knowledge of what to look for with bipolar and can intervene quickly if necessary. If you and your husband want to add to your family, don't let that fear get in your way. But be prepared to quickly address your health needs and, yes, a good support system is crucial.

My child was born while I was in denial of my diagnosis. I conceived him 3 months into my relationship with his father, so obviously an impulsive decision but the best choice I ever made. Having my son has forced me to look inside of myself and really see my own struggles and be willing to get help so he can have a better life. He motivates me to get the right meds and therapy and stick with it.

I think that my having bipolar disorder will benefit him if he does have any mood disorders growing up. I know all about the treatment options, I know exactly where to take him for help, I know what to look for and also what to watch for if he needs to go on medication. My own mother never understood or knew what to do, so it was tough when I was younger.

I cannot have children (hysterectomy); but before my surgery I often struggled with the same dilemma. I decided that, no matter what, I would adopt. Luckily, I am in a relationship now where my boyfriend grew up with an adopted brother and is 100% open to adoption. There are so many children in need, that I feel the need to help one. However, I do find myself (at times) wishing that I could have a child of my own. Yet, I am happy that I still have the option to adopt.

My mother is bipolar and refuses treatment. However, she recently acknowledged that I am bipolar and needs medication. She even hinted that she is coming around to the idea of medication. My brother is NOT bipolar; but does struggle with some OCD and depression/anxiety issues (however, I believe some of his problems are simply learned behavior and he would do quite well with therapy).

I think it would have saved me a lot of time and heartache if my mom would have gotten me diagnosed and treatment when I was younger. Yet, I am now pursuing a PhD (not bad for someone who has mixed episodic, rapid cycling bipolar disorder with sever anxiety issues). However, YOU sound like an awesome parent and are obviously attentive to the mental health needs of your daughter. Plus, doctors and society are starting to really understand bipolar and children. My doctor recently said that bipolar is often associated with genius and creativity and now physicians are learning how to balance bipolar with allowing patients to express/use their talents. Things are getting better for those of us with bipolar and will continue to get better, I believe, as time progresses.

The choice, obviously, is yours. However, people with bipolar can do wonderful things in this world. Musicians, artists, and authors have struggled with the disease (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of...polar_disorder). It's a struggle; however, I believe our struggles give us an insight into the world that no one else can gain. As I mentioned in the beginning of this post, adoption is always a wonderful alternative if you decide that conceiving another child is not something you want to do at this time. Being foster parents might be another option for your family (this would give you more time to decide whether or not you want to have another child of your own while giving back to the community).

I'm only 20 and having kids is a ways away for me, but I've thought about what it would be like if my child/ren had bpd. It would be difficult, but I personally think the gift of life in itself outweighs the damage of having bpd. Also, adoption is always an option. I may choose to adopt in addition to having my own kids. Yes, the prospect of raising someone else's child, who could come with unknown baggage and medical issues, in addition to my own bipolar kid/s, is daunting, but I guess I'll see when I get there.
And, of course, there's always the large chance that your kids will be completely free of bipolar disorder.

I had all four of my children before my diagnosis of first, depression and now bp. Now one of my children has been diagnosed with bp, and another is adhd. We use meds and attend therapy.
This may sound awful, but I want to tell you about the positives of my children. All four are academically and artistically talented. My bp son has been given the label of music prodigy by his music teachers. He plays the piano; electric, bass, and acoustic guitar; mandolin, and trumpet. The strings instruments are self-taught and recently my pastor, who has been playing all of his life, asked my son to teach him several very tough chords. He also writes beautiful songs. My unlabeled son and my oldest daughter sing, and both have earned chorus spots at the district and state level, a great honor considering the number of students they must compete with. My adhd son plays percussion. He prefers to stay out of the spotlight. All four of my children are members of the church praise band, usually only occupied by adults. My boys are triplets and are 11 years old. My daughter is 16.
I want you to understand that, yes, if you choose to have a child there is a chance of mental disabilities, but the positives of any child outweigh the issues you may deal with. My children are my reason for lifting myself out of depression, and going on.
Whatever your choice, please don't ever second guess yourself. I must admit that I feel very guilty at times for my children's diagnoses, but I can't take credit for their musical talents, nor should I beat myself up for any troubles they face. I just love them and let them learn and grow from their own life experiences.

Bluemountains

I had my kids before my diagnosis. Kids are worth it.

I did not find out I was bipolar until as recent as earlier this year...My daughter is 6...She is a very happy child...She shows no signs of having any type of mental illness...And for that, I literally thank God...I wouldn't have any more kids...For one, I don't feel as if I would be able to handle it emotionally and mentally and second, I wouldn't want him/her to inherit my mental illness...I got my mental illness from either my father or his side of the family...Had I known I had this, I would not have had another child...So, I can relate to you...

I just read BlueMountains response...OMG I'm about to cry....Lol...When she said that her child/children brings her out of depression...I can relate...My child is only 6 and she is very aware and alert...She knows when I don't feel good and I'm not feeling my best...There have been times where I was crying and she put her little arms around me and said, "It's ok mommy"....Yes being a parent is a hard job, but there are times where she has literally snapped me out of depression...I honestly think that SHE is what has saved me....

But back to the original topic at hand...I say to do what you feel...If you feel so strongly that you do not want any more kids because you don't want to pass this down to them, I can understand that....Not all kids will inherit it...But I guess it's something that you don't want to chance...

I want to thank everyone who responded to my post. Your responses have made me cry because they resonate so strongly with me.

This decision is tearing me apart, as is the worry about my daughter. My husband doesn't really understand (although he tries), it's so helpful to hear from people who do....

I really don't know what to do. I desperately want another child but the guilt over giving this illness to one human being and possibly to another is horrible. I honestly don't know how I'm going to cope with watching my daughter live with this illness.

I realize it's a personal decision and I'll stop rambling. Thank you for listening

People have kids when have diabetes (high risk of birth defects), cancer, MS, just about all the diseases under the sun. There are psychotropic drugs that are very safe in pregnancy and breastfeeding, more so than the drugs for other illnesses.

It's entirely between you and your hubby, but I for one will not be judging you for having more kids if you so wish. Since you already have bipolar you would be uniquely able to support your child if they too have it (remember, they are more likely to NOT have it). Taking advice from one who knows is a hell of a lot easier that getting a lecture from someone who really doesn't get that bipolar people deserve a normal social life, work life, family life, just like everyone else.

Hugs

It is such a personal decision. I think since you just said you desparately want another child then more power to you, Momma! We are absolutely capable of being loving parents even though we have this bipolar, and you have a loving, supportive, committed partner, that is great. I for one am all for marching to the beat of a different drum. Believe in yourself and listen to heart and head, both are right.

Two of my three children have bipolar - they are both in their teens. No I didn't know both father and I had bipolar at the time, but I really wish I did - because I would've been better prepared to support my kids through the rough times especially through the public school system. It continues to be trying day in day out, and yes they act crazier than other kids, both have tried to hurt themselves, both have had drug problems, both have been hospitalized. Even though I'm depressed right now, and having trouble seeing much good in the world, I know in my heart that this is my path. Nothing would have stopped me from having them, they are precious gifts to me and to this world.