[Merlin]

I feel so utterly and entirely out of control of my moods. I am trying to hold on through the depressions to the time of stable moods or even hypomanias, but they never last long enough. I feel like I've exhausted my abilities to cope and I never have long enough to refill my reserves of strength. I worry that I'm eventually gonna kill myself because of this disease, and the things that is most worrysome is that sometimes that doesn't even seem like a bad idea. I know that it would hurt my family and friends (although I really don't feel that close to anyone and relationships can be one-sided, but maybe I'm just saying that because I am depressed right now.) I wish it was summer time and I didn't have to worry about school on top of everything. Next week is reading week so I hope that might help, not that I am sure it will. I am tired of this mood irregularity and I'm not sure I can wait long enough to see if this new med will work... I'm not sure how long I can wait.

[greenfairy]

(((lightanddark)))))))
sounds like youre having a rough time. i know what you mean, about exhausting your abilities to cope. it seems unfair that we dont get the time to rebuild ourselves before another boulder comes rolling our way. please hold on though, and try to believe that it will get better. be kind to yourself, and talk to your pdoc or t if youre concerned the meds arent kicking in fast enough.
i think youre probably feeling your relationships are one-sided because youre down right now. i have no doubt the people in your life love you, and would be devastated if they lost you.
just hang in there. try to be strong.

you are definitely in a hard spot right now. i understand how you're feeling. are you on meds? do you see a T? let us know if we can help, in any way. xoxox pat

[Merlin]

I am on meds. I just started a new one, but it has to be slowly titrated to avoid a deadly rash. (Lamictal is what I am taking) It will take a while to get into therapeutic ranges. So until then I have to just hold on. And hold on I will with the help of people who care about me. Over the next few months, and beyond, I will try to establish new habits, patterns of behavior to help me. I'm sure my t can help me with that.

As to the one-sidedness of my relationships, I think that during my down periods I am the side that is lacking because I withdraw or worse get irritable. Thank you both for your support and you can help me by just keeping it coming.

[krzyk101]

Hi,

This is my first post of 2006 as I have been away for some time. I personally have been going through similar. Lamictal is a very good med for many ppl I know. I have BiPolar 1 with Mixed or Rapid Cycling as primary diagnosis and have been on meds for 14 years, only am allergic to all mood stabilizers.

You sound like your on the right track with comply of the meds. I am only able to take Risperdal and Effexor XR, and am having difficulty with mostly depression, you sound like a very nice person. I hope that the lamictal will help you to stabilize your moods, and have more level mood lines. I sincerely wish you the best.

Best Wishes,
KK101

[LMo]

Kris! I had a few "MIA" posts out for you! I have been hoping you were ok because I hadn't seen you post anything in a really long time!

Welcome back!

[Azalysa]

I began Lamictal about two months or so and am now at the 100 mg level. Not sure if pdoc is going to increase that but it has been a good med so far. Pdoc plans to get me off Depakote and have me on Lamictal.

Hang in there; the smaller dosages of Lamictal are slowly getting into the system but you shouldn't be feeling any effect from them yet.

Warm Thoughts...