Dealing with my brother passing while I have Bipolar!!!!

My brother passed away 3 weeks ago, on January 2nd, 2012! He was looking forward to the new year! It was totally unexpected!!! I've been on meds for my bipolar for about four years, although I've suffered with it since I was 18! I'm 28 now. so I guess 10 years! Anyway I was on risperidal for 4 years, gained 70 pounds!!! Last year I tried Abilify and had a really bad episode, so I had to go back! Then in September I tried Seraquil XR. It doesn't work as good as the risperidal. I had a few manicy moments in the last four months! Higher sex drive was really the only manicy thing I guess! But I joined weight watchers 3 weeks after I started seraquil, and found out I had already lost 4 pounds since I started it!! Now I've lost 23 pounds!! So YAY!! but anyway I got my business as on December 23rd and my TAX ID stuff the same time. Greg, my brother was excited for me, he was a computer engineer and he was going to help set up a web page!! But since Greg;s passing I find my min going in a million directions, one thing leads to the next, I have these crazy great amazing Ideas! So this one idea was to give some of my profit to the local SPCA from my new photography business!!! And I called and talked the people there. and I said I would donate once a month! But I have like NO business yet, I'm just running it out of my home, I have a little studio set up here. Anyway, then I thought I want to go to the children's hospital and give all the sick kids toys! Okay I have LIKE NO MONEY!! So thankfully I thought that through and didn't call!!!
My birthday is on Sunday! And I feel like I can't enjoy it, cause Greg isn't here!!!! When I find myself laughing I feel guilty! But then I think- he'd want me to be happy, so I feel huilty for that! I feel like my mind is going a thousand miles an hour!

Anyway, I've been seeing my therapist once a week since Greg passed, and it helps. She thinks I should ask my doctor for an upped dose of the sewraquil, but when I tried 2 pills when this first happened, my doc said I could, I was WAY too groggy and was hard to get up with the kids for school!!! Oh I have a 6 and a 4 year old!! THey're GREAT!! THey're really getting me through!! Their little smiles!! Just brighten my daY!!

Anyway I was wondering if anyone had tips on grief!!!????!?!?!?! I mean it's just that it's not the right order of things!! My dad isn't handleing it well, and my mother hates showing emotions--- And I'm like SOOOO VERY emotional!!! I have my husband, but like no really close friends!!!!!!!! Whatever...... Thanks for reading!

I am so sorry for you loss. I lost my husband to cancer almost 3 years ago.

The only advise I can give you is to be patient. You won't ever "get over it".
But in time the void that you feel from your brother's passing won't feel like such a raw wound.
I recommend that you and your family look for local grief counseling groups. You will encounter many people of all ages in various stages of healing.

My thoughts are with you.

Sorry about your brother. I lost a husband years ago and it still bothers me at Christmas. That is when he was in the hospital. You have a therapist and that is good because there you can share. Hospice here also offers free grief counseling support groups. Perhaps they have it where you live. The more support the better and the more you can talk about it the better. There will always be a hole in your heart as he was your brother. It will get better but I know right now it hurts like a knife.

Maybe church if you attend and someone there you also can talk with. Its hard when its difficult to talk with mom or dad but they are grieving in their own way.

There are some good books out there on loss. If you enjoy reading I am sure they would also help during this time.

Thinking of you;
Dee

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. My sister died last March. It was devastating. It was just too soon to say good-bye.

It is going to take time. Allow yourself the time to grieve. I still struggle with this and I'm pretty certain I still have a ways to go.

It is good that you are seeing a therapist. Having someone who is more objective about the loss iss helpful.

Maybe your doc could add an additional drug instead of upping the seraquil? I have a problem with going manic on too much anti-depressant, and we found that using two anti-depressants gets me a better result. I think you definitely need to see your doc, tho, as your post sounds kind of manic. Grand thoughts that you can't follow through on, mind going a million miles an hour and in all directions sound like warning signs.

I'm really sorry about your brother! The grief is strongest in the beginning, and usually lessens as time goes by. At least, it did for me, when I lost my parents. The first year was the worst. Every new event/holiday that they weren't there for just made me feel awful.

I didn't want to celebrate my birthday either the year Mom died, because her birthday is three days after mine, and my griefed logic decided that if I didn't have my birthday, then hers wouldn't come, and I wouldn't have to feel all that pain. It didn't work out that way, tho, her birthday came anyway. Mine, too, was about 3 weeks after Mom died. I can't say you should throw a bash anyway, but I would recommend a small acknowledgement to the fact that it is your birthday. That worked well for me both times.

Meanwhile, hang in there, let your kids help you heal with their smiles and love, and I promise, the grief will get better as time passes.

I lost my only child, Serena, in 1992 and I still grieve at times. On another note, judging from the number of exclamation points and stated behaviors, you might want consider that you could be becoming manic.

Hey So, Yestereday I wrote about my brother's passing and how it's bringing out mania and such... I just wanted to say thanks to those who wrote!! Means a lot!!
I love music, and I feel that it's helping me get through, as long as I stay away from depressing music. But I LOVE To dance and sing for fun so that helps!! I listen to music when I cook and my four year old dances with me, it's GREAT!!
I didn't get a chance to call my doc about medicine today! My mom came over and we went out to lunch while the kids were in school!! So that was nice! It's still hard, like what to talk about with her, cause of the loss of my brother- he was my only brother--- and that too is difficult!! It makes me want more kids. But I know I can't make that kind of choice right now.
My husband isn't very supportive of my bipolar- he likes me with out meds, cause that's who he married. So when I'm manic and hyper like this he LOVES it!! And honestly I like the way it feels too!! Crazy?!?!!?
Anyway so now I'm listening to the Black Keys- LOVE THEM!!!!

Anyway so thanks for your support!

Hey Marcy,

Wow you have a lot going on huh! I wish I could help you here but I can't, All I can say is I hope you can find some kind of mediocore(sp). It must be hard when really your family don't understand what your going through in a sense. Your kids seem to be the only ones who can keep you smiling which is nice.

I hope other people come and post on here as I am sure other's will know how to help you

I know what you mean about loving it when you are in the early stages of manic. I've always hated having to kill a good manic, but the problem is, it can slide out of control so fast you don't know what hit you. Then you have an even bigger problem on your hands.

I hear what you are saying about your husband not liking you on medication, but that is his issue to deal with. Your issue is to take the best care of yourself that you can, so you can take care of those two little kids you have.

True true!!