No matter what I do or say, I feel conflicted, so I've been incredibly hesitant to talk. My mind is racing so fast that it stops me from being able to do anything else. I'm stifled & confused. I look like a mess, I haven't cleaned in days, I feel like I just came back from a war. Everything either sets me into panic, rage, or nihilistic hopelessness. For no reason whatsoever, I am at the brink of a deeper abyss of insanity than I have been privvy to as of yet. For long extents of time, I will just stare & my mind is empty, yet full of excitable pressure. Then I keep enivisioning harming myself in so many different ways. Razors, pills, blunt trauma, fire. Just enough to get noticed & then something will go horribly wrong & I will die. I have no feelings about this. I'm putting forth the last of my mental energy into resisting this, which leaves none left to commit to anything else. It's so ****ing awful because I don't care. At all. Even my own self-preservation has fallen into this horrible state. I'm not even having any hallucinations or delusions. Just this disaster that is the last of my controllable mind. What am I supposed to do?

[missmorganxo]

Whoa! My mind is in pretty bad shape, but you sound like you're really, really suffering! I am so, so sorry! I know it's hard to think or do anything when you're in that awful state of mind, because I've been there and it's confusing. But, can you call your therapist? Or, pdoc? Maybe they can change your meds or give you something to help.

I wish there was something I could do to help you. Just know you're not alone! I am so sorry, please keep us updated. Feel better soon!

Your situation sucks worse. I'm just listless with an increasingly unruly mind. No pdoc or therapist. I don't even think they have any emergency services here specifically for mental health. I'll be fine.

[Trippin2.0]

Oh Shay, I hope you feel better soon, please take good care of yourself

[missmorganxo]

Still sounds like a bad situation to me! I hope you feel better soon!

I'd miss your beautiful flawed mind The thought of that should at least help to kick in your humor and cause some positive shift. I've felt very near the edge many times myself. I don't know where you are or what your usual coping methods are but maybe it's time to try something new. No psych services there?
If good thoughts help then they're on the way. Keep posting

[Nixi]

I'm so sorry hun! I know exactly how u feel unfortunately. At the moment you have to just remind yourself that they are just thoughts of self harm (I presume from what you've said you haven't taken action?) Remind yourself that thoughts cannot harm you! Try and distract yourself as much as you can - which I know doing anything can be hard so it's even as little as being mindful of what's around you- labelling things in the room etc, or meditation - anything to distract you away from those thoughts!
I also agree that you could do with finding some sort of therapist to help you through it all!

Sending massive hugs to you! xxx

[BipolaRNurse]

Originally Posted by Shayatanica

No matter what I do or say, I feel conflicted, so I've been incredibly hesitant to talk. My mind is racing so fast that it stops me from being able to do anything else. I'm stifled & confused. I look like a mess, I haven't cleaned in days, I feel like I just came back from a war. Everything either sets me into panic, rage, or nihilistic hopelessness. For no reason whatsoever, I am at the brink of a deeper abyss of insanity than I have been privvy to as of yet. For long extents of time, I will just stare & my mind is empty, yet full of excitable pressure. Then I keep enivisioning harming myself in so many different ways. Razors, pills, blunt trauma, fire. Just enough to get noticed & then something will go horribly wrong & I will die. I have no feelings about this. I'm putting forth the last of my mental energy into resisting this, which leaves none left to commit to anything else. It's so ****ing awful because I don't care. At all. Even my own self-preservation has fallen into this horrible state. I'm not even having any hallucinations or delusions. Just this disaster that is the last of my controllable mind. What am I supposed to do?

As a nurse, I can't give you medical advice, but as a fellow bipolar, I can urge you to go to your closest ER and tell the staff there what you've told us. I'm very concerned that you are not safe on your own right now. Please don't wait, go tonight and let someone else shoulder this burden for a little while. Believe me, there are more people than you know who care about you and don't want you to hurt yourself, so if you can't do it for you, do it for them, OK? And please let us know how you're doing!

Hah. It passed. I'm such a whackjob. Thanks for the positive responses. Byee.

[missmorganxo]

You're not a whackjob, whatsoever.

Glad you're feeling better!

Nevermind. Back, but no suicidal ideation. Also looks like it might be my first sleepless night in almost a year. Hah.

[missmorganxo]

Do you have anything to help you sleep?

Without my seroquel, I wouldn't sleep...at all.

Nah, but it's okay. I have to wake up in 6 hours anyway! I usually take Benadryl, but I don't want to get dependent. : )
How are you doing, Morgan?