[BusyMomma2]

Where to begin??? I am going to try to be brief and hit the high points. Thanks in advance if you make it through.

I wasn't right for most of my life even in childhood I knew I was different. However I didn't get diagnosed as bp until I was 22. I am now 28. Four years ago I had my daughter and was a single mom. I was very stable on lamictal and Zoloft together. I was stable for several years. I met my husband almost two years ago and had some brief problems for a month. Then we were married and move out of state then got pregnant. I went off my meds as soon as I found out I was pregnant since I got through my last pregnancy with no meds fairly easily. This pregnant was a nightmare. I was irritable overly sensitive but the worst was my complete inability to sleep and severe anxiety. Neuter of which I experienced before like this. I had many panic attacks and couldn't sleep for more than 15 min without waking up feeling like I couldn't breathe. I got maybe 3 hours a night and none consistent. I was miserable and useless to my family. Not to mention I'm working full time. At 5 months I decided to see a new pdoc and get back to meds. We weened on lamictal and Buspar but later threw away Buspar. I felt a thousand times better except sleep. Ambien did nothing I ended up on seroquel. It was the only thing that made me sleep.

Fast forward. I'm now 3 months post pardum and feel like I'm completely losing it. Shortly after my sons birth I got back to normal and was only on lamictal. For a month now I have been a mess. I'm now on lamictal and lithium and I'm not sure it's helping. I have been dosing up the lithium and an at 600 about to go to 900 and it's been almost 3 weeks. I'm angry. Miserable. Convinced my husband doesn't love me even though when I have rational moments I know that's not true. However when I'm in the throws I'm positive he hates me and doesn't love me...delusion?? Days are becoming unbearable and I feel like I new to go away to save everyone.

I feel so out of control and it feels like not only am I worse than ever before but that I will never feel right again.

I angry. I'm sad. I'm short tempered. I'm blowing everything off. I loathe myself. And nothing in my world feels ok.

[BlueInanna]

i feel for you momma. *hugs* i had postpartum depression, during pregnancy depression, on and off depression and it is horrible. it will pass - you've been down before and you will get up again!! it is harder with kids, add in full time work, ughhh - i'm in same boat.

if you can, try to change up your self talk. don't be so hard on yourself it's not fair. it's like double penalty when you already feel horrible and then loathe yourself for feeling that way. finding this site has helped me a lot, i hope will help you too!

Possible postpartum depression? I had that with my last pregnancy. It was pretty bad, but I was not being treated either.

I think I you are questioning if that is delusional thinking, than it probably is. I do that too, especially when I am feeling low.

Lithium doesn't work too good until you are at the therapeutic level, so you might nit be there yet. Hopefully when you get to 900 mg you will start to notice a big difference. Make sure you let your pdoc know how your feeling. Just try to hang in there.

And welcome to PC, hopefully you will find it helpful here.

[Chihuahua]

Hi there, I have two daughters. One 4 the other 9 months. When the first was 3 months old we moved, and I only saw my husband on weekends for a full 8 months. I had severe post partum depression. The same thing happened after bebe 2 hubby was home but the normal baby blues would go over to depression so badly that my milk would disappear. We recently moved back to where we lived when my first daughter was born. I am working full time (half day)- teacher and it's HARD even now but I have A new saying MANAGE THE MOMENT and then gradually you'll be able to take it a day at a time before you know it it's a week and then a month. It's a loooong road but with so much support it's one I'm am more than willing to walk. Thinking of u!!

[xraydiva09]

First of all, sorry to hear you are feeling so poorly!!
And those beautiful babies that we love so much have totally sucked the sanity out of us lol.....I have always been a little highstrung most of my life, but after I had my son, thats when the shizzle hit the fan.....it started out with postpartum depression, and then became really severe....Doc put me on Lexapro and that cleared it up for several years.....and then.......no anti depressant seemed to work anymore.....fast forward to now, I was finally diagnosed with Bi-Polar II last year. PDoc said that it could have been lingering underneath all along and then the hormone changes after pregnancy made it rear its ugly head.....My advice is get back into your doc and either see if another anti-depressant may help, or get into a PDoc....you dont have to feel this way.....hugs to you!!

[BuggsBunny]

Sounds like you might need to add a therapist to your medical helpers. Someone to help you work through all those negative feelings, or at least give you a face to face interaction where you can express things. PC is good, but we aren't professionals.