Pdoc said I go to per too often

IMO any time you are having thoughts of being violent and there is any chance whatsoever you are going to act on them you should go to the ER and you should be admitted to the hospital. I have random thoughts of suicide--like drive by a bridge and immediately have a mental image of jumping or cutting up veggies or fruit and having a sudden thought of cutting my wrists or stabbing myself. Because I know I won't act on them I don't worry about it. If I was having thoughts of hurting other people I would call mobile crisis or my psych and ask to be admitted to the hospital. Better safe than sorry.

This is why I went in and yet I must've seemed sane enough that they let me go. I don't get it.

What a wonderful summary of where your suicidal feelings are coming from......It's tough moving back in with your mother & her husband. I know that when I was suicidal & my pdoc wouldn't let me go back & live with my husband because of the problems we were having....living with my mother wasn't a great situation either even though it worked out ok.....I never had a good relationship with my mother in the first place, so tolerating the things I had always had problems with probably added to my suicidal feelings also. I would imagine that your mother is also less likely to kick you out while you are suicidal?

Yes, finishing school is important.....but many of the degrees we go to school for don't aim toward a good paying job in the end.....you say you are taking voice lessons....I was a music major....even got my AA in music......tourquoisesea has her BA in music with a major in cello.....I changed majors because I didn't want to teach & there were no other real jobs for music majors.....it's important to look into the future with a realistic goal at the end of what you are going to school for. Back in the 70's when I was in college, I decided to also learn a skill (data entry back in those days) in order to pay for my education in the first place.....but it helped me be independent. Maybe if you were to find a place to invest money on learning a skill so that your mother could see some real activity on your part to move forward, she might back down a bit on the cruelness & be more tolerant of your situation.

I think that the chapter 7 is a wonderful idea. It's important to get out from under the debt any way possible. Was it dumped on you from your divorce? I know that is one reason why I am only separated from my husband because of all the debt that is sitting in collection. He refused to file bankruptcy because there were more & more medical bills I kept piling up & he wanted them to stop before filing for bankruptcy. When I took my inheritance & left him & bought my farm....it also made bankruptcy impossible because I would have to sell my farm & use MY money to bale out the financial mess he made because he wouldn't even talk to the hospitals about them being able to drop many of the charges. I was in no condition to deal with it & he said they told him he couldn't represent me.....he blindly listened to them without realizing that I could sign over my permission for him to deal with them....he was the most useless person I could have even been married to. The debt has been sitting out there in collection for so many years, I'm sure it's gone by now or at least most of it.......but it sounds like since you don't have a house & not working....this would be a perfect time for you to deal with the bankruptcy.....at least talk with a bankruptcy lawyer & see what they have to say.

I think if you take some positive steps forward in your life....you will feel better about yourself & I'm sure your mother & her husband will have better feelings also. I know it's difficult having kids & wanting to spend your time with them so that they don't feel the stress of the situation....but there does come a time when the responsibility of the situation we are in has to be met in order to make changes happen. That saying...you can't do the same things over & over & over & expect different results.....we have to take the step toward making the necessary changes happen.

1) looking into the bankruptcy
2) looking into learning a skill that will bring in income as soon as the skill is learned so you have the money to go to school & focus on what you want to
3) looking into your education & make sure that what is out there at the end of all that work is really what you want, or think about changing to some other major that will provide what you need from all your college work & the degree.

It's obvious that what you are doing now isn't changing the suicidal feelings...but if you take positive steps toward changing your future.....it will change how you feel now in terms of your suicidal feelings. Doesn't mean there won't be frustrations & disappointments along the way....coping skills & DBT skills is a wonderful way to get through those difficult times.

Know you can do it.....just takes one step at a time & writing down what steps you need to be taking & follow them.

Wishing you a more positive future......I can definitely understand with all you say you are dealing with that those suicidal feelings make sense.....but they don't have to....once you take positive steps toward a more positive future....you will see that they will diminish, then all of a sudden they will be gone.

I will reply to more of what you said in a bit but I do want to say that I changed majors to get my RN in nursing. I did very well until anatomy and chemistry- twice. My brain was coated in Teflon. It was really disappointing. So finishing a degree that is "me" I think is better for me in the lOng-run. Does it make more money no. But at this point I just feel I have to do what is in me. And to finish what I started years ago.

I have been planning on going to school in the fall. I don't know how long bankruptcy takes. Just thought of that yesterday and haven't made any calls.

Great to hear you are solving the issues. One step after another, and don't give up.

I know what you mean about some of the classes being too much. That was why I ended up going with the Accounting Information Systems degree with my minor in Computer Science rather than the major in Computer Science. There were several engineering classes that were over my head & Calculus....I managed to get through with a C because I got A's the in the beginning & failed the last part because I couldn't grasp the concepts (it was a foreign language).

There may be another major that's easier & doesn't have the classes that seem to be beyond mind's capability & yet still provide with a better income than what music will provide......that is if you can even find a job other than little performance jobs here & there. Nothing worse than putting all that time into a degree & finding out there's nothing available in the way of a career at the end of it. There used to be places for teachers....but now that they have taken music out of the schools....even that isn't an option any more.

Not everywhere has removed music teachers. I know what you mean though. I just couldn't cut the chemistry etc. all the social classes like sociology I did well in.

I'm trying to read up on bankruptcy. It's a bit complicated. One site said you can start building your credit again after but doesn't filing hurt it too? Not that mine is good anymore. :-(

is there some free law consultant you could consult?

You can usually go to a bankruptcy lawyer & have a free consultation....they will look at your situation & let you know if bankruptcy is your best option & then if it is, which type of bankruptcy you qualify for. It's not that complicated if all you have is debt. It's 7 years that it effects you & you can't go for bankruptcy again for 7 years.....so it's a make sure you don't just go back in debt again immediately after......but you can start building your credit again...usually the interest rate is much higher when you have bankruptcy.....making you want to keeping things paid off & not wanting to pay the high rate of interest. I know that even though I didn't have a bankruptcy, all the debt & collections that my husband allowed the debt to go to, made our credit rating as bad (maybe worse) than if we had declared bankruptcy, when I left him, I was able to go buy my truck on credit. They had to look around for a lending company, but they found one & the interest rate wasn't horrible. I ended up getting the money to pay it off within a year because we were able to refinance the California home & I got my inheritance money out of it that my husband talked me into putting into it....used it to pay off my truck so I don't have anything I own on......but there seems to be always someone who will give at least a small amount of credit after bad credit hit's us. The stress that the debt causes is much worse than the stress that having bad credit & not being able to just buy things ends up causing. It's a good feeling to be able to start over.

Reading about bankruptcy is a good idea so that you can have all the questions you want answered by the lawyer.....going to the lawyer is really a good idea so that you can get those questions answered & so that you can really know how it's going to effect you personally.

Good idea to get some peoples experiences here with bankruptcy....it might give you a deeper insight.....but each one is personally different.