hi - ive not rvd a diagnoses yet, i have an assessment next week

i am only just realising/coming to terms with the fact i have had problems nearly all my life, never mind how they have affected everything

i wrote this this morning when i couldn't sleep and felt vulnerable

i wanted to share it with people who might understand and found this forum

if it matters, im a 34 yr old female with 2 children and an amazingily supportive partner

Scared

Nothing i am stands in isolation anymore.
Everything I've done is tainted by WHY I did it.
WHO am I?
What parts of my history are me and which ones are 'the illness'.

Panic

If I can't run anymore, now I'm aware its running...
What next?
How will I cope?

Stategies

I need some.
HELP PLEASE

[Red_Cyclops]

Hi there - welcome to the forum. I am new to it myself, and have found it to be very helpful and supportive. I can absolutely relate to what you're saying. I've been struggling with BP my entire life, although I was just diagnosed within the last 5 years, at around age 36. I often ponder the idea of what is "me" and what is the "illness". I choose to look at it as one in the same to some extent. I am bipolar, and it causes me to feel certain ways and do certain things. I am just who I am, and being bipolar is one thing that makes up who I am, and it is a big part of me.

Regarding you words about being scared - I feel the same way. I often ask, "who am I really"? My history is just what it is. It is not necessarily defined by my illness, but bipolar has definitely played a part in everything in my life. But again, the illness is just part of me, so it really all comes down to the way I view myself. I don't use bipolar as an excuse, but it plays a huge role in everything I do, and often times I do or say things that are ultimately a result of my disorder. But it is still "me", and I do my best to keep my moods and issues under control. Regarding panic, I've learned to stop running. I've accepted my issues and I know that I will need to be on meds for the rest of my life in order to function correctly and be a father and husband. I have an anxiety disorder as well, so I do my best to stay in control.

Good luck with your appointment and let us know how you are diagnosed. Be sure to ask a lot of questions and remember that you have some say in how you are treated. Only you know how you feel, and you just need to be honest with your doctors.

Hope this helps.

[jaxter23]

((((frogslegs))))

I think you will find there are a lot of supportive people around here. I know I'm scared too. I tend to question everything now. I wonder if stuff I did was me or the bp. Its confusing, but I've learned you can't dwell on that or it won't get you anywhere. I give you props for not running anymore and for getting help. I know that was one of the hardest things for me to do. Its a big step. I wish you the best of luck on your assessment. Keep posting

thank you - it took a little while to find this forum - im glad i have

Ive been told my blog has helped a lot of people. Let me know if it helped, if you choose to read it. Danisventing.blogspot.com. all the things I want to say are already in there lol.

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