[venusss]

http://psychcentral.com/news/2012/05...der/38293.html

this is why i prefer the term dangerous gift to "illness".

I'm glad that is your experience. Really truly. Unfortunately, I have bipolar 2 and spend most of my time in depression which slows down my thinking and ability to function. Definitely an illness for me.

[venusss]

Well, i am troubled as hell too... still do not consider it illness

(also, I have anarchist not ODD tendencies).

[roads]

I am not sure the difference of perception is what is critical. Illness or dangerous gift? Nearsighted or farsighted? To someone there will be an argument about mattering.

But coping is what I care about. I need to get throught my day, with as much balance as possible. How do I do this? I focus on that balance, mostly mental but a lot of physical things like sleep playing into it. I'm not concerned in the normal course on things about ideology, just not having problems with "normal" people at work.

My day.

[BusyMomma2]

I'd you asked me two years ago I would say I can see its a gift. A few years ago the mania was lots of fun, creative, and gave me a great sense of humor.

The truth is... Bipolar gets worse with time. It's deff an illness... Maybe even a curse. I would rather be "normal" than to have any of the "perks" of the disorder.

[SunAngel]

Thx. so much Venus for posting this. I found it very interesting.

[Trippin2.0]

Great article! Thanks Venus. I have my own reasons for not concidering myself ill. 1 being that that is such a hopeless way for me to percieve myself, and I REFUSE to give bipolar any more power than it already has. Outlook and attitude does way more than we give it credit for, but alot of people misunderstand and think you mean it automatically fixes everything if you're positive, so they don't even try. And 2, nobody can point at my illness, how do they know I'm even ill? Maybe they're ill, and I'm normal! it's not an easy path, sometimes it's downright torture! And maybe i don't even see it as a gift, but I'm a better humanbeing for it, that's for sure...

[LadyShadow]

Wow Venus! Thank you for sharing! I often wondered if being bipolar was a gift or a curse. You know whats funny though? One of the episodes where I was in close contact with God and Jesus (like they were speaking to me directly) still resonate in my mind. I often wonder about life and my spiritual journey and why I was chosen to be bipolar. I know I certainly didn't ask for it.

But great article! And I agree with you Trippin! Refusing to give bipolar any more power than it already has is an affirmation of strength. Kudos!

[catrules]

I don't know if it's a gift or not, but if it is, it's one I don't want.

[Victoria'smom]

It affects my life to negatively right now to view it as a gift. At times I love it, but far to often it interferes with my life.

[BipolaRNurse]

You said it, MM. Personally, I miss the highs I used to have, but the lows and the mixed states are so bad that I'm just grateful to be in a neutral zone now. Although my writing has picked up quite a bit since the last of the depression went away.....

[Tsunamisurfer]

Illness or not, I spend a tiny part of my life like a serving of the worlds best cooking, a somewhat larger part like an over eager apprentice smothered me in vinegar, peri peri, salt and MSG, and the majority like a dirty plate waiting in the scullery to be cleaned. Part of the frustration is in being what we would rather not be. It is a very slow learning curve for me to accept that I won't always be my ideal self, but that doesn't make us junk during the stormy parts. I guess it is what we make of it that matters.

[tcmoon52]

If it is a gift I want to return it. It is definately an illness, is my opinion and experience.

[faerie_moon_x]

I would say that yes, at one time, my mania helped me be very creative and helped me in my writing, drawing, and music.

But, I feel that the deterioration of my cognitive functioning has progressed rather rapidly and now when I am manic I can't write because I can't hold on to my ideas. I can't sing because the sound of music becomes a muddled mess of noise in my head that makes me want to scream and tear my hair out. I can't draw because my mind is looping so fast all I can do is scribble...

I used have an extremely sharp and clear memory, almost photographic. Now, I forget things almost instantly. I can't concentrate or focus. I get so agitated and irritated it feels like I want to rip my skin off. It feels like my bone are trying to tear out through my skin. I can't read. I used to be able to read a novel in 2-3 days. Now it takes me 8 months. I litterally feel like my brain is being eaten alive inside my skull...

So, I think at certain stages bipolar does put you on a level that is above things, but there is also a reason it is considered a disability. Eventually, something inside breaks. Unfortunately for me it seems to have broken rather early...

Also, even during those times when I was so creative and wonderful, I was also having major psychosis of persecution and delusions and halucinations. I couldn't hold a job. I had all these great "reasons" to always quit my job, and looking back I see they were rather short sighted and delusional. I dropped out of college. My grandios thinking had me believing that not only was I going to be famous, but it was my "destiny" and would just magically happen...

So enjoy your gifts as you can use them. I look back at the person I used to be and I didn't even notice it was all slipping away through my fingers. Now I'm just a total mess.

[sb7777]

Originally Posted by BusyMomma2

The truth is... Bipolar gets worse with time.

I think this quote talks to some of my long-term concerns. While I am super productive in hypomanic states, I know that it's sometimes all too easy to tip into a full manic episode where I am not productive at all. Will this change (i.e. get worse) as time goes on?

The difference between advantage and disadvantage in this condition, it seems, can be razor-thin. And it sounds like people are experiencing that in different ways. Thanks for starting this thread and for the thoughtful comments.

[Tsunamisurfer]

Originally Posted by dark_heart_x

...
But, I feel that the deterioration of my cognitive functioning has progressed rather rapidly and now when I am manic I can't write because I can't hold on to my ideas. I can't sing because the sound of music becomes a muddled mess of noise in my head that makes me want to scream and tear my hair out. I can't draw because my mind is looping so fast all I can do is scribble...
...
So enjoy your gifts as you can use them. I look back at the person I used to be and I didn't even notice it was all slipping away through my fingers. Now I'm just a total mess.

Thanks so much for sharing this, dark_heart. I'm really sorry you are experiencing the big butt end of it lately. I can totally relate to the mess and confusion of creativity.

[korafrancesca]

I'm in grad school and found myself very eager to participate in class while I was slightly manic. I had a lot of questions and comments I wanted to ask. I'm usually much more reserved... but now all my professors know my name and I can ask them for recommendations and references.

Also managed to pass a screening process for an internship that requires a lot of creativity. I don't think I would have done as well on the three rounds of interviews I had to go through if I hadn't been having an episode. I hope they are not disappointed with "normal state" me.

[xraydiva09]

Wow....well...hmmmm....lol speechless....I guess it could be a gift.....I wish someone would give me the f'n receipt for it so I can take it back and pick out something I want....I can see maybe if you had BP I and experienced the hypermania that came with it, and I, being BP II perform at my very best (at least in my head lol) when Im experiencing hypomania, that maybe a gift or two could come from it, but......when it comes to this disease or whatever you want to call it....ive been kind of a glass half empty kind of girl.....I do think its amazing though for the people who have accepted that they BP and they are special and are able to do amazing things with it....im soooo not there yet though lol

[cocoabeans]

No, as much as being euphoric, creative and overly productive has been enjoyed at times I don't think it is worth it. Bipolar highs are like selling your damn soul for a winning lottery ticket and find out that ticket comes with limited funds and when they're spent you're souless and broke.

[venusss]

ad gift part. I used the word "dangerous" for a reason. It's like playing with fire. Even if you know how to use it, you still can get burned... plus that fire is too damn fascinating to use it responsibly.

I wish there was a way to fully take control. And I don't mean being flattened the hell out of myself.


And Trippin'... I Know what you mean. Animals are not "ill" for not likin' to be caged. Maybe we humans are not "ill" for not likin' to live in the post-industrial post-modern society. Alas, most of us are too hooked up on that, and there is not even wilderness for us all, where we could go and live more simply. So we are stuck. I think we are like caged animals, the care is provided, but this just isn't our nature, so we go crazy. They say 25% of the USA has some diagnosable mental illness... If one quarter of the world's sole superpower and the friggin' beacon of freedom and our-way-of-life is not handling life well... then that is telling. It's probably not good way to live, as alluring as it sounds.

[RoamingMind]

It's a whole package I guess.
It's not making my life very easy right now but I can point out two things.
1. I feel more "empathy" in a way, it feels good and bad. It really is a toss of the coin.

2. I don't want to sound--- Hell, I'm just going to say it, the positive effect on
my sex drive and performance. I'm not too sure about the performance part being
part of bp. But the sex drive is something I've learned to see in a positive way.

I have go agree, like 100% that we are living out of our element. This is such un-natural world for us. It makes no sense to me at all. I know I am sort of highly sensitive or hyper sensitive but I think that's just a result of being forced to live in this weird world.

Dangerous gift sure. I wouldn't trade seeing things through my eyes for anyone else's. I don't mind my view most of the time. There are parts I can embrace. I don't really think of it like an illness. I have a few theories about why I am the way I am, none of them involve me being diseased.

[grlnmt66]

It is what it is...

[BipolaRNurse]

The way I see it, bipolar sucks in a lot of ways; but it also enables me to create, to empathize, to live in a world that's a lot like a carnival---a smorgasbord of music, color, and other sensual delights.

Yes, oftentimes things become too bright and too loud, while at other times life fades to a dull grey and the music is silenced for a while. But never having known anything else, I can't see myself being content to live without the intensity......I wouldn't know how. And I'm afraid I'd be bored, which is something I've rarely been. Bottom line: would I trade the richness of my experiences for stability?

I don't know.

[hamster-bamster]

Before medications, sex drive was certainly a positive side of bipolar. Now, after more than three years without sex, it is hard to recall how compellingly important that part of life once felt to me.

If one can function well without sex-killing meds and enjoy their erotic selves, this would certainly be a great gift.