Not Sure Where To Start

I guess the title of this thread is slightly misleading, I think I know where I need to start and that's to see a therapist/psychiatrist to see what's really going on. I am more so not sure where to post what I am about to post, because I have a number of issues I am dealing with.

First off, I am not even sure that I am bipolar but reading about it, going through the quizzes here and having 2 people who I was closer to than anyone else tell me they think I am... well, that's all lead me here, to this post.

So where to start? When I was in my teens, that's when I first found out I was dealing with depression. I had an onset of panic attacks in high school which led me to be honest with people and tell them how I felt. My parents had a nick name for my alter ego during this time frame. I'd get either so sad or so aggressive at certain points, they'd say that Kyle was coming out (real name isn't Kyle, btw )

I got put on meds by a general doctor and was on again, off again with meds until around the age of 22. Around this time I had fallen in love. I think I was terrified of love and everything that came with it. This time period seemed to bring out the worst in me, but I was able to keep it hidden from everyone except for the woman I was in love with. She got all of my negative and positive, the highs and the lows. After a while, my head got to me, love felt like too much and I made an attempt to kill myself. This led to the woman I loved telling me I needed help or she didn't want to be with me.

I got help, albeit for a general practice doctor, who, I think, lucked into getting me some meds that helped. I was on a combo of welbutirn and lexapro for about 6 years.

At the tail end of this time period (I’d be 29, currently 30), I was still on meds but leaving my wife. She had a drinking problem that had gotten out of control. She had disrespected me at many times during the marriage and it all just added up. She'd get drunk and be rotten to me on holidays, in front of family and when we were alone. I didn't feel loved anymore.

I left her, moved back in with my parents last August. In November I started seeing someone else because I was convinced my marriage was never going to work. I started having unprotected sex with this new girl after 2 weeks of knowing her. I put that in here because I know an issue with mania is dangerous sexual behavior, which is what this was, in retrospect.

I saw this new girl for about 2 and a half months before my ex called me with a problem, her cell phone broke. I felt terrible for some reason and went to give her an old one I had. I confessed I was with someone else, I had broken up with the new girl the day before and I told my wife I wanted to work it out and I was convinced it was the right thing to do. I backed off of that a few days later when I felt that my wife was going right back to her old, selfish ways.

I stayed alone for the better part of 3 weeks, except for the new girl who would not leave me alone. I changed my number to avoid her. Finally, peace and quiet.

Then... my mom died unexpectedly after complications from heart surgery we were convinced she'd be great after getting. I was devastated. My mom held on in the hospital for 3 days after the surgery didn't go well. This entire time I was keeping the new girl and my ex (but still legally) wife in the loop on everything. In this time the new girl was really there for me and I told her I wanted to try again with her after things settled.

A month passes and I try again with the new girl. What I now think was mania (I didn't see it at the time), I was on highs with a lot of sex one day, then none the next day because I had no desire. After another few months with the new girl I realized I was just looking for a distraction so I tried to be good and break it off, I didn't want to lead her on anymore. This time she left me alone.

After this (and this is about a month ago now), I started to feel extreme guilt about not working it out with my wife. I went back again and asked to try one last time and this time we needed to see a counselor. That's where we are at now.

The problem is that I certainly go from extreme highs to extreme lows, sometimes in the matter of hours. But that's not it alone. I want to please everyone and some people do not want me back with my ex-wife (my dad being one, who I still live with to support through him losing his wife and my mom). So I can hang out with my wife/ex/whatever, feel very good about how it is going (she did alcohol abuse counseling and is making a lot of effort to work with me and not against me, she knows everything about new girl and is willing to forgive) but then I see my dad and he gets mad and tells me it's a mistake. I then call the wife and tell her I can't do it. People have way too much impact on my choices, but I feel terrible, depressed when I let someone down.

When I keep things to myself and don't disappoint anyone, I can still convince myself in the span of hours that I need to go back to my ex or I need to carry through with the divorce. So I have extreme mood swings but I also have extreme life-choice-swings as well.

I'm sorry for writing a damn book; I just don't know what else to do at this point. My ex and new girl think I have serious issues, maybe bipolar, because they have seen how high and how low I get. I am terrified to let my ex go because I am terrified I'll never find someone who will be willing to live with me as I am. Oh yeah, I stopped taking meds when I left my wife because she blamed them for killing our sex life (which they did) so I was scared that if I was on them, I could never be with anyone because I’d have no desire for sex and therefore that other person would want nothing to do with me.

My family thinks I am "strong" and dealing with everything (mom, taking care of my dad and divorce) very well. I just know how to shield who I really am from them. That makes me think there is no way I can be bipolar, because bipolar seems so serious, how could I be able to hide it from others?

So... where do I start? And again, I am sorry for writing so much, but I had to get that out there.

Hi, and welcome to the bipolar forum. The first place you start is your GP, to make sure there is nothing physically wrong. Then, if you check out okay, you get a referral to a psychiatrist who can do a proper assessment. You have already determined that you suffer from depression, so a psych doc can also help you find a med that won't interfere with your sex drive, and at the same time do the assessment.and keep posting!

The fast switching between moods reminds me of me...circumstantial stress sends me off to extreme reactions. I was dx cyclothamia, its below bipolar 11, a softer version but that 'soft' word is extremely wrong lol. Basically everything is just too much, lights are too bright, sounds are too loud, touch is too much, ect ect. I think that is the case with others with bipolar as well it just happens a lil faster and more frequently but not the extremes of mania and depression. At least that is my take on it. Good luck and ya see a head shrinker for a official dx so you can get started on the right meds for you. Take care.

GP, then pdoc. T may help regardless of whether or not you are bipolar, so I would recommend that too.

That actually sounds a lot like what is happening to me except it's my circumstances that are too much to handle and I don't know what to do with them.

I called my GP today and will see him next week Tuesday. I also have a one on one session with the counselor I am seeing for marital counseling so I'll see if she has any suggestions or advice. Bottom line is... I need to finally get off my *** and tell someone who understands these things what's happening and let them diagnose me.

Thanks to all for the responses and sorry for the stupidly long post.

Are your high and lows always connected to something of circumstance?

Generally, Bipolar patients experience highs and lows that are NOT connected to anything happening in their external environment. They're often sensitive people too, so things of circumstance will elicit a stronger response.

I'm just making a blanket statement about the nature of a BP patient. It's not true for everyone.

It tends to be a mix of triggered and untriggered (by events) moods.

Sometimes yes and sometimes no, but mostly yes. I've had two of the more stressful things in life happen to me during the past year (death of a parent and divorce) so I wonder if those impactors are making my depression, which I know I've had before, worse which in turn has provided crazy mood swings. I've just had these swings before, when I was in my teens, 20's... when I was not medicated.

Lately it seems everything that gets me high or low is tied to what's going on with my wife. The whole "try to work it out or not" thing with the wife. I can convince myself I need to work it out, have a good day with the wife, then go home and have a family member I respect tell me how dumb it is that I'd work it out with her and that sends me into a tail spin.

I know I have to make the choice that is best for ME, but I have no idea what that is and I am so utterly confused by what happens (either with my wife or then with a family member) that it puts me into a high or low. I then tend to crash in either direction and never really see the middle ground as of late.

Something that could help a little...everytime you start to feel upset take a deep breath and start counting. Focus on the numbers.

It will help you calm down enough to reduce some of the anxiety. I think you need to spend time with a therapist to help you overcome current trauma. Also medication can be used but not as a crutch. Idk if you have bipolar or not.

I actually tried the counting thing a few times since reading this post and it's helped. So thank you for that.

I saw my GP and a counselor yesterday. GP called bipolar on the spot but also said he wanted me to see a Psychiatrist and Psychologist to be sure. So it was a (probably somewhat useless) pre-diagnosis as he really can't make that call.

Saw a counselor after my GP (was seeing her for marriage issues, this was a solo session so I ran my issues by her) and she thought I showed many traits of BPII but also wanted me to get to a Psychiatrist and Psychologist, sooner than later.

So I'm feeling like I am getting closer to a diagnosis, my next question is. Where do I go first? Psychiatrist or Psychologist? I was suggested to an MD first since I could get meds but I honestly have zero desire to be back on meds... but maybe I give in on that. The only two times in the past 10 years I have not been on meds, things have not gone well and I am repeating my same mistakes I did at 22, but now at 30. I guess I want to see someone who knows meds first and then if he/she can give recs on meds, they can give recs on the kind of therapist I'd need to see. Any recs on where to go first, Psychiatrist or Psychologist?

I think it's easier to find a Psychiatrist.

You need to outline what side effects you're willing to endure. It's better the doctor has some idea of what you'll tolerate then blindly taking stuff. Or, if you do agree to take medications, make sure you know what the side effects are and know when to quit them if they become unbearable.

Getting to the root of the problems will help a lot. When you're stressed it's easier to get mood swings. If you see a therapist, try to focus on things that you know need to be resolved. The longer you avoid a problem, the harder it is to heal from it. When you're starting intensive therapy, it should hurt more in the beg-middle as you're forced to look at the behaviors and memories associated with them.

BUT! Most importantly, find a therapist who will really listen and you can see indefinitely as long as they're in the area. Switching can disrupt the healing process.

I wanted to think you for your thoughts Confusedinomicon, you've helped me more than you might know.

I called around (based off rec's from both my doctor and counselor) and it was hard to find a Psychatrist who was taking new patients based off the 5 or so I tried. So I tried the therapist my doc suggested and he was able to get me in next week. Seeing as I really want to avoid meds I am thinking starting with a therapist first might not be terrible, even though I preferred the path of an MD first. I feel like this way if I start on some kind of therapy and when I find that it does or does not work, I can have a better feel for if meds are a need or an easier way to deal.

Again, thanks for your help.

Taking responsibility is really the key step in getting well. Thats why its important to get to know ourselves.

When we know triggers, and can diferentiate our moods it gives us the power to ask for help when its needed. There is no shame in asking for a hand from someone else.