How to keep living when life is over...

That's a little dramatic, but, that's me.

I guess I'll allways be a daughter, even though my Dad is dying and my mother is sick, and falling apart.

I guess I'll allways be a mother. Even though I have decided to give over custody of my children to thier father.

I guess people will allways tell me that I still have worth, that sharing my thoughts, feelings and compassion can help others.

But I have a hard time living with myself. The pain, both physical and mental, has worn me down. My confliced thoughts don't allow me to know myself anymore. Who I am? A 100 year old woman, born 43 years ago. All things positive when manic. All things negative when depressed.
They say we can't let ourselves define us by our disease But there is nothing left but the disease. The person I was, or wanted to be is possesed. My original personality has been swallowed up, locked away forever in the back of my mind, screaming for escape, begging for release from the torture. You know the torchure. I hear it in your posts, I can feel the pain eminating from your words.
I never go to the inspirational sites, the self help, the "you can do it" type of posts. I stay away from them because it's gone too far for me. They enrage me.
I saw my GP today, I have multiple cronic diseases that cause me to be in constant pain. But, when I saw him, I was a little manic, not off my rocker, just, more energetic than ussual, I was able to talk and communicate. He's not used to seeing that, he's used toa blob of pain sitting before him, with a list physical problems to adress, talking only when absolutly neccesary. I needed a refill on a pain med, he wouldn't, said it makes bipolar people manic, if thier meds aren't edjusted right.
Why the hell is it alright to be in an absolute depression? But being manic is unacceptable? I have to wait to go back on meds, that will keep me locked in depression and numbness before my pain issues can be dealt with. Now I know, there's probably a lot of people that would say pain meds are too evil anyway, you don't need them. But at 43 years old, I cant walk for 5 min., I can't empty my dishwasher, I can't go downstairs to do kittly titter or laundry. I can't shave my legs, or cut my toenails. I can't sit in a chair and then stand up. And I have no one to help me anymore. I'm considering something, I never thought I could, going into some sort of facility. Permanantly. What I want is to be able to go to the pain clinic 2 hours away, every day, what I want is to have a husband and feel love again, what I want is someone to help me.
I don't "believe" in suicide, just because I'v caused enough pain in the lives of my parents and children. I won't do that, but I can't help feeling that there's not enough life left in me to make it much farther.

I'm sorry your feeling so bad. I don't have any words of wisdom, but we are here for you. I wish I could help you, I hope you get something you want soon!

I understand how you feel. I have a severe bipolar disorder and I have been chronically ill for nine years. I lost my business I worked so hard for and I lost my community. I really lost everything. I suffer from severe chronic migraines and fibromyalgia. I am often in severe pain. The doctors and neurologists have run out of ideas. I've tried every drug combination and nothing works. I live for my children. I have few friends that live with the suicide of one of their parents. It had an impact on them that has haunted them their whole lives. I am blessed with the sweetest most loving children. My seven year old daughter often curls up in my arms and kisses my nose. She tells me how much she loves me and thanks me for bringing her into this world. I hang on for her and my adult son. It's hard. I cling to my safety plan and check into the psych ward when I'm in danger. There is always a chance that things will change. Medical science is experiencing big breakthroughs in nanotechnology that could help these conditions. I watched a documentary about it recently. I know it's hard when the pain is relentless and the quality of life is so diminished it hardly seems worth it to go on. When you have children I think it is important to consider every option. Our lives have such a profound impact on our children. I hope you make it to the pain clinic and find support and love. I was completely alone in my suffering until a year ago. Having someone care about me has made a big difference. Things change. Even in my condition I found someone to love me. With medical breakthroughs on the horizon and the potential for your situation to change I hope you find the strength to go on. Is life really over? I keep searching for the life thread. The darkness is thick and suffocating. The pain is overwhelming. I can sense the a thread shimmering in the darkness. Sometimes it is the voice of my daughter and her simple joy in life. For a moment I can live vicariously through her.