Hurting. Help me.

I can't deal with this.

I am being a bit dramatic tonight. Sorry. I'll go to bed soon and you won't have to deal with my stupid posts. I just feel so much pain... I think I am feeling it so much because I would normally be thinking about hurting myself by now and I am trying really hard not to use that as an outlet.

BNLsMOM! You're not being dramatic; you're hurting! Darling, we're here for you. I didn't respond to your posts because I didn't know what to say to help you. That's all. I don't think that your posts are stupid. ((hugs))

Thanks. Sometimes I think I am a huge pain.

I am going to bed now.

good night Hope you wake up feeling lots better in the morning.

Feeling crappy, still. How is it possible to be in a depression when I am on meds and having ECT?

I just took the mood tracker quiz and I got Depressed: 26 and Manic: 26.26. I would consider that mixed which could explain my confusion. It also explains why it hurts so much.

Do you own a yoga studio?

I used to. In a manic rush I found a space that would be great. The rent was low because it was in an old mill building. I ran everything myself, taught the classes, etc. If I had kept it going I bet it would be doing well right now. In a depression, I closed the studio and left my ex for the first time. I went back to him that time, and about three years later, I left for good with my one year old son. We have a decent relationship now, and we do everything to give our son as normal a life as possible.

Anyway, I sometimes think that I would be better at owning a studio now, although I am too fat and out of shape to teach the classes. I think about how much the other studio failed, or rather how I failed at it. It was starting to attract yoga students, and when I closed, I had a $20 profit. It is small, but it was on the positive side. I felt like a fraud the whole time I owned that studio.

Right now, I don't think I could handle anything. I am on disability and I can't even keep my home clean or cook a meal.

I am nothing.

You are NOT nothing, FAR from it! You're a woman, humanbeing, mother, friend, valued member of our community! No, you are definitly NOT nothing. I'm sorry you're hurting so badly, have you spoken to your pdoc about your progress or lack thereof? Is ECT usually an instant depression buster, or is it gradual? I'm so glad you're doing your best to stay safe, hope you reward yourself for such a profound accomplishment. Sending love, soothing hugs, strength and comfort your way

I think ECT is supposed to be gradual, but I think I should be feeling a big difference by now. I have had 7 treatments. At first I was noticing subtle improvements, just like I do when I take new meds, and then I slipped back again just like I have done after every med change. I feel like I will never feel better. I have ECT tomorrow so I will talk about my concerns about it not working.

For my husband, they started with a 9 treatments, but ended up doing another round for a total of 18 I believe because he didn't initially get a lot of relief.

I saw relief pretty quickly, but it does vary from patient to patient. It certainly is something to discuss with the doctor doing the treatments.

I just started bilateral, so maybe if I go for 18 total treatments it will work. I am just so sick of getting my hopes up every time we try something new only to go back and have the same or worse symptoms.

My husband started with bilateral also (for the first 4 treatments I think), but when he became really disoriented the doc switched to unilateral. Mine were all unilateral.

I have had 6 unilateral and my 7th was my first bilateral. I didn't notice a difference with side effects, so hopefully...

Leaving for ECT in a few.

Hugs to you friend xxx

Hope your pdoc was able to shed some light on your progress and the way forward. You're in my thoughts

They are going to see how I am doing next week and decide what to do from there. I am not sure what that means, but I'll go with it. So now my T is on vacation for another week and my ECT doc is on vacation also. That is one thing don't like about summer. Probably the only thing I don't like about summer.

Glad they're being pro-active, I know a week might seem like forever, but I'm sure they're just being careful...

Today was my 8th treatment so I am sure they want to get to at least 9 or maybe 12 before they decide if it is working or not. They told me to call my pdoc which I plan to do in a little while.

Pdoc says I am in a mixed episode right now. That explains a lot. I guess I just have to take it easy whenever possible. I am expecting too much progress too fast. So is the ECT staff. Is that possible?

It's entirely possible yes. People respond to treatment in different ways as well as in different time-frames. I think your initial response to ECT is why the staff was expecting immediate results. Episodes of any kind, for me, are the worst when I'm unaware I'm usually very insightful, but being caught off guard is always disturbing. Mixed ones are the pits! I hope it passes soon

I have read about a fat, flexible, middle aged lady in Austin, TX who teaches hugely popular yoga classes, showing by example that you do not need to FIRST lose weight and THEN do yoga. You can enjoy yoga as you are. I am sure she modifies exercises.

I do restorative yoga and in the past did yin yoga. The teachers are slim, but I do not see reasons for them to be of any particular shape, for these yoga styles.

This is too much now, of course. I hope you can DO yoga yourself for yourself now. Not teach, but do.

Hugs.

I am definitely in no shape mentally or physically to teach. I have done a class here and there since going on meds and I fall down on the balance poses. It depends on my mood as to what my reaction is, either laughing, or crying.

I am all messed up right now. I just need my T.