Hurting. Help me.

I am losing it... I don't want to be sick any more. I don't think I can handle it... my T is gone for two weeks.

What if ECT isn't working? It was my last hope. I thought it was helping, but now I don't know. Meds don't help. I was hoping the ECT would open the pathway to my meds helping or to going off meds. I feel trapped by my stupid disorder. I can totally see another hospitalization in my future.

I am not suicidal, but I can't stay alive.

Why is this so painful?

I feel so raw.

there is no cure for us, meds, med-free, herbs, ect, we WILL still experience our bp in some way, shape or form. That being said, what are you measuring your progress against? The frequency in which you cycle? Severity? The way you were prior to meds? I ask bcoz if we compare oil with water, it just won't compute. I'm really sorry you're hurting so badly

I guess hope vs hope fading. I don't think I have ever been truly well, but I just want to live a life that has meaning, for me and maybe a few other people. I want to be free of this pain and not question myself every day. And this anxiety... it could be the end of me. I am trying hard not to hurt myself tonight.

Hope, like faith, like moods, it waxes and wanes. Feeling hopeless today doesn't mean feeling hopeless tomorrow. I have NO doubt that your life means alot to your family, but you and ONLY you, can give it a meaning that will provide you with a purpose. Please take the neccessary measures to remain safe, distract yourself, stay within reach of someone else. Use interacting with that person as a distraction, listen to soothing music, watch a dvd. And if you can, then tell the person you're hurting, and you need their company.

What type of life would have meaning to you?

That's the trouble. I don't really know. How does one measure that kind of thing until the end of one's life?

I am working on publishing one of my journals, and maybe that has me triggered tonight. My husband is ready to take me to the hospital, but I don't want to go.

If you trust him I would.

I trust him but I just got out of the hospital two weeks ago. It would be so hard to go back in and deal with the ER and getting into the hospital that is doing my treatments. It's so overwhelming.

If it'll help then you may want to

I so much hate the way it is set up in the US for most of the cases: you have to go through ER to get treatment. If a p-doc believes his patient needs hospitalization, there oughta be a way of his admitting the patient without the hurdle and huge expense of ER.

hamster-bamster: it depends on the area. My center has a crisis wing that I can stop by any time

Well I made it through the night safely. My grandmother's 90th birthday party is today, so I will be distracted by that, but I fear what I will feel like tonight. Tomorrow morning I have an ECT treatment. If I make it safely through tonight, I will talk to them about how I was feeling and see what they say.

I can't stand such pain.

Killer headache right now. I am still feeling anxious right now. I am going to talk with the ECT staff tomorrow and see what they say.

There generally is. If my pdoc knows I am going to the hospital, he can call ahead of time and let them know I am coming. The rule for direct admission in that hospital (it might be a Texas law but I can't swear to it) is that if a patient has been seen by a physician within 3 or 4 days (can't remember the exact perameters) before admission, direct admission can be done without having to go through ER. My pdoc always tries to see me, if only for a few minutes in his office on my way to the hospital, so that I don't have to go through the long ER process. He's even met me outside the psych floor doors so as to be able to directly admit me. The ER process isn't horrible or anything, but it is hours long. He much prefers to help me avoid it.

The headaches could very well be the ECT, though usually they occur pretty directly after treatment rather than a few days later. Have they just not let up? They can probably give you something to help with that so definitely let them know about them. Sorry you are having a tough time.

Whoa, folks! There's much that we can do for ourselves in bipolar illness. There are some folks who even go into remission with the disorder. Remember, it's a mood disorder not an intellectual disorder.

First, start with the four things you must not do:

1. Do not drink or use alcohol in any way; it makes bipolar illness worse.

2. Do not eat or drink anything with caffeine in it; it makes bipolar illness worse.
(That means no coffee, chocolate, tea--that has caffeine- or candy containing it
or anything else for that matter that contains caffeine; it's really bad because
it isn't removed from the system as water is; it clings to organs of the body and
may take as much as a year to be rid of it if you're a long-term user.)
I suggest that you read an article called "caffeine allergy" on a website called
Doctor Yourself.com) It will astound you regarding the seriousness of caffeine
use for those sensitive to it. It has been written by Ruth Whalen; she has given
me permission to quote from her work, but you'll get a clearer picture if you read
it yourself.

3. Take your medications.

4. Establish a routine sleep schedule and adhere to it.

(Those were the four "laws" given to me by my psychiatrist years ago.)

Now, when you've got that under control, change your diet so that you aren't eating so many aciding-reacting foods. Go to Alkaline Foods.com to learn which foods are
better for keeping a slightly more alkaline state of fluids in the body.

Next, because all medications leave an acid-residue, you will need to drink fresh lemon juice squeezed into a glass of cold water about twice a day to offset the acid buildup of medication metabolism.

Major foods to stop using immediately are caffeine, white flour products, cheese, and
milk products because they are all highly acid. Your object is to get the fluids more alkaline.

Take it slowly, as it suits your style. Another thing to note is that you should stop using refined salt. Instead, use one of the world's finest salts called Himalayan sea salt, which has all the trace minerals missing in refined salt. The benefit? It helps in removal of acid from around brain cells and creates a calming effect.

Bipolar illness is an inflammation of a portion of the brain; doctors don't know why yet but they are working on the genetic problem. It is also a chemical imbalance.

Newer research indicates that some bipolar patients cannot manufacture the enzymes necessary to metabolize folic acid (a vitamin) into folate--a form of the vitamin which can cross the blood-brain barrier and which the brain can use. It's available in a form called Deplin. (By prescription as this time.)

That's a starter course for you to take charge of your bipolar illness. There is much, much more to this, and you should begin your research project to get yourself on the way to remission.

Diet plays a huge role in this illness; so do exercise, sleep, and lowering of medication dosages as you improve your feeling and functioning levels.

Many bipolar patients have notorious diets and they are detrimental to improvement of the illness.

We all start at some point if we want to go into remission.

Maybe we could talk more about it some time in the future if you wish.

Genetic

Yes, there are things we CAN do to try to make this illness called bipolar disorder as manageable as possible. Diet is a factor, and exercise, and seeing a pdoc, and getting a good night's sleep, and seeing a therapist. I work hard to distract myself from worrying about it. If I have to go to the hospital, then I will. It is a pain to go through all that, but most hospitals I have been in haven't required the notorious trip through the ER. My docs call ahead.

I am sad that you are hurting so much right now. Please talk to your doctor(s) and follow the instructions.

Sending you good thoughts!

I don't think it was from ect because I don't generally get a headache after treatment. I just started bilateral treatments yesterday, so we shall see if I develop headaches.

I am doing better now than I was before. I have been thinking about publishing one of my journals, or turning it into a memoir, from the first year of my treatment. I am doing some research on how to get published and find an agent. It looks like a lot of hard work ahead of me. Maybe I can focus on that instead of on my addled brain.

I'm glad there is some improvement a worthy distraction always helps me to focus on something else as becoming consumed by my brain is super dangerous. You're journals are an excellent focal point me thinks, hope I get a signed copy!

Working on getting published would probably be a great mental distraction from everything else going on. When I went through my last series of ECT, I read voraciously, like 3 or 4 books a week. My pdoc was both amazed and amused. He kept quizzing me on my books. But it helped to have my brain focused on those great stories for some reason. It was a worthy distraction and seemed to maybe help with the memory loss issue too, but that's just my theory.

I need to keep my mind sharp and distracted from how I feel. I think having a project such as getting published is a good idea. Not to mention it would be a life long dream for me to have written and published a book.

Try looking into meditation/mindful meditation program.

It's said to help chronic depression (3 or more for more than 2 weeks) so it may help bipolar depression. It can't hurt to look into it.

I enjoy meditation. I just forget to do it. I'll have to remind myself somehow.

I am feeling horrible again. Hopeless and feeling like nothing matters. I am tired and worn out and why isn't the ECT working yet?