paradoxical reactions (very slight trigger)

Once I went to a relaxing yoga class. Part of the class was guided imagery. The teacher asked us to imagine that we were in a forest. Oughta be relaxing, right? Not with me. I started thinking back to the times when I had lived in an intact family and all four of us had hiked in a forest. It was not relaxing at all. I became sad.

In another class, the teacher asked to imagine the ocean beach. I had just seen pics of my ex and children on the beach - they had taken a short trip to SoCal. Believe it or not, I started having suicidal ideation right there in that yoga class, with my eyes covered with a silky eye pillow. I am sure I was the only person having suicidal ideation atm and I am sure the teacher had no idea that her words could elicit such ideation. She must have thought that she was bringing everyone peace. Ha! Not with me in the classroom.

I read the forum, read the news, read the Internet, read political commentary, but I cannot read fiction. I cannot focus on the plot - my thoughts drift to regretting my actions that resulted in the loss of my family. The only thing I can read is poetry, in short bursts. Will it ever end? Will I ever be able to imagine a forest without pain and a beach without guilt? Will I ever read a book? I was such a little bookworm when growing up...

It sounds like you need a session with a T. I cant tell you whether or not those things will go away or not but I can hope for you that they will. I understand to a point simple things can remind me of hurtful times or guilt or shame by a simple word. Has it gotten better for me I would say yes. I hope this is helpful if not I am sorry I just figured i would answer as best I could.

(((HB)))
I completely understand about the reading problems. I thought that when my meds kicked in I would be able to read fiction again. I used to love some good, trashy novels!
As for the suicide ideation, the instructor provided imagery for a very triggering subject for you. You should talk this one out with your t/pdoc.
Bluemountains

I understand your affliction with fiction, it happens to me too, but I imagine on a smaller scale. I force thru it, altho there's a certain storyline that hits too close to home, so I avoid it for now. Same thing with violence, I used to and still do love a good thriller, but bcoz of how my brother died, knife scenes make me squirm, but I'm WAY too defiant to let something like that dictate to me. Giving in may mean I might never watch a thriller again! I'm hoping to accomplish the same with the romance novel, soon. s HB