this is a self image thing that I felt the need to write about

...damn it I had dreams I had the sincere ability to love myself!....what the F has gone wrong got me all twisted up about myself how I look and what I see OMG!! this is me I have always trusted 'me' deep down why have I turned on myself?

....what the utter F am I comparing my baby beautiful self to... to make me so damn insecure and it can't be right I cuddle up asleep unaware and I'm not there... and I look peaceful and lovable it's only fair.

why does the daylight make me feel bad?

why does my body make me feel sad?

oh man!...it's this completely unbalanced distorted world collapsing impossible self scrutiny on each and all of us.

what is beautiful? is what is all WHAT IS WRONG! it's so remarkably hypnotic and forever permeating the false impressions of beautiful and glamorous and distinctive.

the market place the cash register the private jets determine what is attractive and everyone (almost) falls for it.

it's damn intimidating and overwhelming and unacceptable!

we all have enough to deal with...our poor little and big and in the middle and unusual and unique one of a kind bodies are under ATTACK from ridiculous and soul destroying diabolical judgments and it's time we looked upon ourselves as God or whoever tucks your bed looks upon us and it's with desire and fascination and satisfaction.

this dumb world has no authority over what compassion we have available for ourselves.

time to fall in love with our bodies and I aint joking.

monkey thoughts

...I know I have to back this up! I have been reading alot on here lately about self image and I know it affects some of us already affected people

.I have hair on my head that grows past an inch it looks like pubes so I shave my head
.a beard to hide my funny looking chin
.nostrils on my nose that could inhale a potato
.one deformed ear I keep forgetting which one
.a belly that does not match the rest of me
.large muscles that work and stick out but still don't quite look right to me!
.and yeah the more I look at my tummy the more I see it's wrapping itself around me and becoming a side and back tummy....hehe
....and legs...well yeah I don't know what animal they were removed from and attached to me

I have to be grateful that this THING that transports my heart and soul around is my dearest friend, and don't forget this is just HOW I see myself! I'm only listing the things I "consider" to be 'unattractive'...and according to WHAT? and according to WHO?....what am I comparing myself to?...whats on the TV...in the stupid magazines ...the immaculate people?....NOT good enough reasons none of them!

it's all heart...if I want to make changes to it then yeah I guess I can if I so insist and thats a personal thing...BUT, will I ever be really happy with it if I continue to compare it with something else?

yes I am an idealist I guess thats obvious....but I spose a realist to

[faerie_moon_x]

When I was young, the other me first appeared. I was brutally, and I mean brutally bullied, throughout school. Even as a little girl of 7. Well once I hit my pre-teens that's when it went from terrible to worse. And a huge part of the bullying was how ugly I am. I mean, the fact that i'm ugly was litterally beaten into me by my peers, and I'm not using the word litterally wrong here. I mean, they would beat me up and chant at me how disgusting i was. You hear about those kids commiting suicide due to bullies? I was one of those kids, but I survived it and I never made the news. And that was before things like Facebook were even imagined.

Anyway, the other me appeared. I said on the outside I was a monster, but a beauty lived inside that no one could see. If beauty existed on the outside, people would leave me alone, but monster was the outside person and no one can ever see beauty. She's like a ghost of me. Also monster is personality, not just looks, because people get annoyed and bored of me very easy. I used to write poems about it (I used to write poems a lot,) but at some point beauty and monster reconciled.

I don't see me as monster any more, or beauty either. It's just me and other me.

Originally Posted by dark_heart_x

When I was young, the other me first appeared. I was brutally, and I mean brutally bullied, throughout school. Even as a little girl of 7. Well once I hit my pre-teens that's when it went from terrible to worse. And a huge part of the bullying was how ugly I am. I mean, the fact that i'm ugly was litterally beaten into me by my peers, and I'm not using the word litterally wrong here. I mean, they would beat me up and chant at me how disgusting i was. You hear about those kids commiting suicide due to bullies? I was one of those kids, but I survived it and I never made the news. And that was before things like Facebook were even imagined.

Anyway, the other me appeared. I said on the outside I was a monster, but a beauty lived inside that no one could see. If beauty existed on the outside, people would leave me alone, but monster was the outside person and no one can ever see beauty. She's like a ghost of me. Also monster is personality, not just looks, because people get annoyed and bored of me very easy. I used to write poems about it (I used to write poems a lot,) but at some point beauty and monster reconciled.

I don't see me as monster any more, or beauty either. It's just me and other me.

d_h....I'm angry at those idiots just reading at the top and I know thats no help to you now and I wish I was there to decide casually which of their body parts to fracture I got your back I do.

I got chucked around a bit because I was so damn small all the way through school....skipped classes and tried to grow at the gym to fight back!

how did you hold onto that inner beauty?...

I would be kidding myself if I knew how to respond to you here you have skills very few have, a gift...

you kept her safe? yeh?...hidden, the real beautiful you inside...

I can't write how good that is d_h

[faerie_moon_x]

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

d_h....I'm angry at those idiots just reading at the top and I know thats no help to you now and I wish I was there to decide casually which of their body parts to fracture I got your back I do.

I got chucked around a bit because I was so damn small all the way through school....skipped classes and tried to grow at the gym to fight back!

how did you hold onto that inner beauty?...

I would be kidding myself if I knew how to respond to you here you have skills very few have, a gift...

you kept her safe? yeh?...hidden, the real beautiful you inside...

I can't write how good that is d_h

Well, I don't think I did keep her alive. I think she kept me alive actually.... I don't know. But, we're both pretty ragged now. My tough outer shell has some cracks. I think I'm kind of like an M&M sitting in the sun, that outer shell can only take so much. But other me is better at certain things and we talk and give each other advice.

I think I got a lot of skills from my mom. She had breast cancer for 11 years and wouldn't give up. When she passed away it's because she went back to school to renew her teachers certificate, and some idiot went to school with adult chicken pox. Well, my mom's immunne system was shot so she couldn't fight it. At that time she had a chest cathetar in her for 5 years, which the ER doctor had never seen, he said my aunt was joking because no one lived that long with a chest cathetar to his knowledge at that time. The autopsy after she passed said her body only had 5% healthy tissue and the doctors had no idea how she had been surviving, the rest was all tumors and cancerous tissue. It was sheer will to survive.

I try to be strong like that.

she sure must have passed that on and what an amazing story.!

your mum just somehow someway outright refused to give in and overcame the odds. thats incredible

thankyou d_h....it's inspiring

it's also a shame that we find these awesome qualities through extreme hardship...

or...it's a shame that it hurts...not that we find out how strong we are...

I think thats what I meant yep

[faerie_moon_x]

Yeah, why can't we build character in childhood by eating ice cream and hugging teddy bears instead?



Oh well, they say that without the dark the we wouldn't appreciate the light, and I think that's true.