[hamster-bamster]

I am sure many people can relate.

My mother had bp incorrectly treated with AD alone for most of her life at her request. My mother loved being manic and considered it the good part of life. The drug she was on for most of her years was Elavil/amitriptyline, an old tricyclic AD. It made her fat and she had had a very good figure when she was young: very very narrow waistline and broad hips, which in their day and age was fashionable. She mourned her figure, understandably. But for some reason - and I do not even remember what the "logical" connection was, I was at fault. I was at fault for her having to take amitriptyline, that is.

She died of metastasis from breast cancer 12 years after the diagnosis - a very good survival considering at what late stage she was diagnosed. But it was an unnecessarily early death - she waited with reporting a breast lump to a doctor. FOR A YEAR! Had she sought medical attention in a timely fashion, she probably would not have even needed her radical mastectomy. Her parents had lived long lives, and she died having barely turned 60. She was understandably bitter but, again, I was at fault. Something I did caused her to wait for a year before reporting her breast lump to a doctor. So I was guilty again. At fault for her not living those extra thirty years that were genetically given to her. I did not even react much when she told me that, I was so fed up with guilt trips.

Who does that to their only child?

I've just made an appointment to have a physical with a breast exam for September, and I would be paying out of pocket because my job does not provide health insurance. I do that not only because (when not suicidal) I want to live a long and pain-free life, but also to spare my family, even though they do not live with me any more. How could she have treated it any differently?

At any rate, I invite others who were always "at fault" share.

When you are told by a psychiatrist that all you need is to be around healthy people, you get the feeling that maybe your parents were the ones who were really wrong. They did the best they knew how, however, so it's tough to blame them too much. (I was told it was my mother's attitude.)

I just accept the fact that all I need is to be around healthy people, and maybe that's not even bipolar illness, but it's enough to be labeled bipolar, type II.

Overcoming the negativity is something I'll deal with all my life, but I keep living as best I know how. And I accept the fact that many, many others do not like a negative approach to anything in their lives.

Getting negativity out of the system is TOUGH. And if the removal of negativity is what being sociable is all about, then I resign from the "social" world; it's too pretentious.

I hope you are able to manage well, too.

Good wishes,

Genetic

[bluemountains]

I'm so sorry, HB. I completely understand. I won't tell my story now, but I, too, was raised by people who damaged me.
Sorry genetic, but in my case, my parents did not do the best they could.
Bluemountains

[Travelinglady]

I just went through a hypnotherapy session to deal with anger I hold from my childhood regarding a mother who seemed to always find fault with me and to blame me for things. Your mother seems to really have gone over the top, though, for blaming you for her health problems. IMO, she must have had some other undiagnosed personality disorder or issue.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this experience. And I am glad that you are taking responsibility for your own health.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by bluemountains

but in my case, my parents did not do the best they could.
Bluemountains

likewise

[hamster-bamster]

Hypnotherapy sounds interesting.

TRIGGER
Another sickening thing my mother did to me concerned suicide. For some reason I had to be aware of suicide really young. And she told me (I do not know whether this is true, I doubt) that every person who jumps from a tall building regrets in those few seconds that separate him or her from a deadly fall and SCREAM while they fall. This is an odd fantasy and I am not sure why I had to be privy to it but I was. Fast forward some thirty years and when I was taking those pills in my suicide attempt, there were so many pills, I separated them into three handfuls. After ingesting two handfuls an idea to call for help came to me, but I decided that *I* will be *courageous* unlike those people my mom was talking about, and took the third handful of pills and started writing a letter to my then husband.

Another thing was torture. Again I do not know why but from an early age I had to be aware of various forms of torture, e.g. impaling. I do not have that obsession now, have not done it in ages, but I used to spend nights browsing Wikipedia articles about gory stuff.

It is as if she pre-programmed me.

[BuggsBunny]

Everything was my fault, if you asked my step father. Even if I had nothing to do with it, it was still my fault. I had your typical preteen needs, and heaven forbid I try to get them met. The screaming fights (that I could clearly hear) were my fault. Being out of green beans (when Mom was responsible for shopping) was my fault.

The best thing I ever did for myself was take off to a run away shelter, then move into my biological dad's house as soon as I was old enough to stand up for myself (and as soon as there was room for me over there).

And like you, Hamster, I lost Mom to cancer and am very proactive about my lungs. If Mom had gone to the docs when the hacking cough first began, she'd have been around many years later. Instead she died in six weeks. (At least it wasn't my fault.) I lost Dad to cancer 9 years ago, so I'm sure it's coming to get me, too. All I can do is screen and pray.

[lonegael]

My mother still introduces me with "and this is ***, she certainly was a challenge." Yep, like with youall, it was all my fault, and even the years of bullying never happened according to her. I did it all for attention. funny, she never metions what a challenge it was having her constant nit picking, catastrophizing and dissatifaction with my school performance was for me, or what a challence growing up with and alchoholic father was, or losing my positive male role figure was at the age of eight. I'd call it even, really.