[purpledaisy]

Does anyone else ever have thoughts like these?

• I'm OK.
• I'm fine.
• Today was a good day. Yesterday must not have been THAT bad. I tend to exagg
• I was silly for thinking there was something a bit off about me.
• The diagnosis must be wrong.
• People have ups and downs. I really shouldn't make such a big deal out of it.
• My family tells me, "Snap out of it." That's what I should do.

Yesterday I had a pretty good day with a friend and, after I dropped her off at her house and drove home, I was having these thoughts.

But, so much for thinking I might be normal.

I took my Abilify and sleeping pill earlier in the evening than usual, in hopes of them kicking in sooner and me finally getting some sleep. Lately, I've only been getting about 4 hours of sleep.

It didn't work too well.

I was wide awake until 4:45 a.m. This time, I didn't stay in bed trying to sleep. I got up and did some productive things around the house and also did a strange task that I've been meaning to do. I pulled all of the rhinestone stickers off the lid of my computer and glued new ones on. (Yes, I'm weird. I decorate my computer.)

Fell asleep about 5:00 a.m. and woke up today (Sunday) at 11:00 a.m.

Normal people don't stay up in the middle of the night gluing rhinestones to the lid of their computer.

Or do they?

[bluemountains]

I convince myself of this all of the time, purpledaisy. I even try to convince my t(clinical psych) and pdoc that they've made a mistake.
It sounds like you had a wonderful day, and as long as you are happy now no need to over-analyze it. When I'm hypo and not drug-controlled I have a very hard time sleeping, but it usually doesn't affect me until it's been 3 or 4 days with little sleep.

[BlueInanna]

Yes I feel that way too sometimes. Keep hoping that maybe if I just get my life together this bp might go away and I won't have to take meds. And that just may happen someday... idk... but nope hasn't happened yet. And I had trouble sleeping last night too... rhinestones on the lappy sounds fun...

[purpledaisy]

Also, I spent part of the day with my mom, who knew about my bipolar diagnosis back 1989'ish, and she refused to believe it was true at that time.

Since I have fallen away from meds and treatment for all these years, it's like the diagnosis disappeared from her mind.

It's always been in my mind. I would go through my rollercoast and think maybe I should seek treatment again. But when I was going through those rollercoasters, she would tell me to snap out of it, get over it, what's wrong with me, why can't I be normal, etc.

So now that I am ready to see a therapist for the first time in nearly 20 years this week, I am a little nervous about how my mom will react.

You're probably thinking, "You're a grown woman. It isn't any of her business. If she can't be supportive, you shouldn't have toxic people in your life, etc."

She makes everyone's business HER business. I have yet to find a way around this. Sometimes the relationship is awful. Sometimes it is OK.

But I'm thinking of what a disappointment I must be, and how she'll have to hear this diagnosis again. I already get enough grief for not being successful financially or with my career. Now, on top of it all, I'm truly not "normal."

Maybe it's normal to go through these emotions, thinking of how family will react.

It would be so nice to know that I would have support no matter what.

[bluemountains]

You don't have to be your mom's "normal". Good for you, purpledaisy, for planning to see a t. It sounds like you have tried to suppress your symptoms on your own for a long time. Keep us posted on your progress.

[purpledaisy]

You don't have to be your mom's "normal".

Thank you!

I still feel like a child around her. Maybe because she continues to treat me like one, when I've got a grown child myself.

I know this whole thing is going to erupt in another round of her crying, "How could you do this to me?"

[missbelle]

No purpledaisy, I don't feel that way. I was so greatful that they found something wrong with me so they could give me meds. I always wondered if everyone felt as down, and as sad and as anxious as I did. I just felt it probably was normal, but then how terrible that would be. I went on meds, and things changed for me. I was happier, less impulsive, I could focus, Less irritable....etc. Now things still over the years have had there ups and downs. I have had crisisis in my life and my families lives, but all in all, I am stable and happy.Yes, there were bouts of depression even with the meds but sometimes therapy and an increase changed that as well.

I feel extremely greatful that they made a dx. I just wish it had been years sooner!

and you state something like what a disappointment I must be.......OMG that should be ther farthest thing from your mind........I told you about me...well let me just hit briefly about my daughter...she is bi-polar and an alcoholic....disappointed in her...not at all. I love her unconditionally. We talk twice a week. She lives about three hours from me. Has she made bad choices? Definately...but she has an illness. I continue to remain supportive of her and she knows that...Do I enable her drinking...NOT!! I went to al-anon for years, and know about boundries and all.....I love her so much, and do hope and pray she wakes up. It is only in the last couple years she has admitted to being bi-polar. To her it was a stigma. She was dx at 13 and on meds but stopped them at 18 because they made her fat. She is now 30

You have my full support here!!!!

[BipolaRNurse]

I looooooove that kitty picture.....it's like my daily Squee!!

I can so relate to the feeling of being "cured" right now......the last two weeks have been the most stable of the past two YEARS. I'm stoked about life again, thinking I may just survive this after all.

BUT---and it's a huge 'but'---I didn't get here on my own. No, it took a combination of four medications to get me to this place, and I know without a doubt that going off them would result in disaster. I also know that "cure" isn't in the bipolar lexicon; I'm in remission to be sure, but I'm finally convinced that I won't get rid of the BP just because I'm good about taking my meds.

This may not be the right answer for everyone; all I can offer is my own experience and self-knowledge. There will probably come a time when things slip and slide and I'll wonder what the hell I've gone through all this for if the BP is just going to act up again. But thank God, not today. Not today.

[BlueInanna]

(((Purpledaisy))) Sometimes mothers learn from their daughters... tolerance, acceptance, that you will still love her even if she judges you. Keep being strong and seeking the treatment you feel you need.

[Jim62]

yes, purpledaisy, i feel all those things. it makes me feel like i am a hypochondriac or a malingerer.

when you are feeling great, resist the urge to stop taking your meds.

[moremi]

I have done this serveral times. When my meds are working and doing their job, I feel normal. So several times i have thought that I was not sick because I felt normal for so long and I just stop all my meds and everytime its a nightmare. I go off because I feel like there is nothing wrong with me but the fact is I am only normal because I am stable on meds. I hate the side effects, thats the main reason I have stopped them each time.

[Greentelly]

I think all of us have this, but don't stop taking your meds... That's kind of a mistake.

[purpledaisy]

Well, those feelings of being normal and the diagnosis being a mistake didn't last long.

Back to work today, and I could barely sit still during two meetings.

At my desk, I had another episode of nodding off to sleep and jerking really hard to wake myself up (sleep apnea), and my hand kind of jerked and raked across the keyboard and made a weird sound. Along with the gasp when I tried to get some air as I woke up, I made a weird noise because my fingernails against the keyboard startled me.

Then someone who has been training me on some of the tasks that I'm doing so terribly at (and have been written up about them, and received the really bad annual review) decided to get super-picky. Even though he has reviewed this project twice in the last week, he decided to review it again today.

He got SO INCREDIBLY PICKY and I wanted to screen at him. Now I've missed a deadline turning the project in to someone in another department who is waiting for it. This time, it's not my fault that it's late because this dude decided to get picky even though he has seen this whole project twice already.

Then he left early and sent me an email telling me to follow the steps he was taking and continue reviewing the project and making changes based on what he had already changed.

Could he possibly have been any more vague?

Sure. I'll read your mind, buddy, if you read between my fingers.

I'm sure I'll get in trouble again tomorrow because I sent him an email asking exactly what he meant. These people tell me to ask questions if I'm in doubt, and then when I ask them, I am in trouble for it.

Must hold on until Wednesday when I go to the psychologist so I can get this short-term disability thing kicked in.

I am SO hoping this works and I can get the time off with partial pay, sort out my meds, get some peace, and figure out my life.