Today is D.'s birthday

A quick update before I go to sleep. Last I posted, it was:

I was about to end my relationship with D. but my former teacher, who knows him, talked me out of such drastic steps. So I just said that I would not be able to travel the country with him, because I do not want to jeopardize my job by taking so many days off, but I will be pleased to show him Northern California taking just a couple days off. At first he replied with "that is a shame, but of course the job is the most important thing". In an hour though he wrote that it would be *no fun to travel the country without me*, even though he really wants to see America (we were going to go to Wyoming and Georgia and then Boston) but traveling would be boring without me, so he is changing his plans for a vacation and he will do Paris where he has friends and then rent an apartment in the South of France for a week - it is closer and more convenient for him than the States. And he will postpone his visit to the States for a year. So I am nothing but a fun travel companion to him, you see. And I was so much looking forward to seeing him. I was preparing menus in my head and thinking of how well I will treat him in bed, you see. I do not sleep around - sex is a serious thing for me, my bp hypersexuality has expressed itself mostly in very intense sex with the same partner or in *almost* crossing the line to being unfaithful but not quite - I do not do casual sex, it was a serious thing for me to want to sleep with him, and he treats me like a nice thing to have around. Nice but disposable. That's where I am at. But I am getting lots of support and guidance from my former teacher, so I am fine."

Since then, I have emailed him, after consulting with my teacher, that I do not care about his extra kilos, I need him as is. He has not responded (no "thanks" but apparently he took notice - see below).

Today is his birthday. I wished him happy birthday and a nice trip, wherever he decides to take it. I further wrote that I have been looking forward to seeing him and will be sad if he does not come, but he should disregard it and just make the decision that is best for him.

He wrote: "Thank you. I hear that whales that are now bathing near Monterey seashore will have left by October (the time when he planned to come). Nevertheless, if only I find a responsible caretaker for my mom, I will be in SF."

So no more South of France . South of France has been completely forgotten. I am not a disposable thing.

Your to nice to be disposable. That means you'll be able to take time off to see him right?

Lovely! So glad you turned out to not be a disposable thing, 10 months later, I still struggle getting over being 1...

Just a few days. No Wyoming, no Georgia, no Boston. Just locally in California. And then he will do whatever he wants by himself. He has friends in Boston and he wants to see Autumn in New England, so he will have an opportunity to do so, just without me. I have a temp job, with a possibility of conversion. I am supposed to kick *** to even hope to be converted, not take so many days off that other people have the burden of carrying out my responsibilities.

Oh, Trippin, I am so sorry! Now I see why you are writing off anything remotely romantic!

yeah, 1 guy mistook me for a punching bag, the other, who claimed to be my friend of 10 yrs, thru me out with the garbage, with no explanation. I think i have every right to write off romance. BUT, Still very happy for my friends who can embrace it AND enjoy it, glad things are looking up for you.

Trippin, your lovely sense of sad humor, even in the face of the worst of circumstances!

What can I say? Have to hold onto my sanity somehow

So I think my borderline personality is being challenged here, and I am sure you will understand. I wrote to him - because I felt like it and wanted to be upfront! - that I miss him very much and I want him to find a solution for the care of his mother so that he could come.

He responded with a rather detailed account of the steps he is taking to find such care. So, yes, he is working on it - he is trying. But he did not write that he misses me back...

And that pretty much ruined my afternoon. I am so sensitive. Of course, I did not have to write to him that I miss him - I did not have to expose myself as vulnerable. I chose to. And now am paying for it...

So to sum up, I think I am not a disposable thing but things are not quite looking up yet romantically. Not yet.

Thanks for reading...