[greysfan]

I suppose it's all becoming a bit surreal now - the diagnosis, the Drs, the treatment plan and such. It only really hits home when I found out my academic career is in tatters. And now I'm pretty tired. I've fought back to try and get some normality, but I've had more lives than a cat in terms of chances, and this is the final straw. I feel like such a failure The illness was never meant to make me this sick...I saw signs of recovery at some of the hurdles. x

[Clinte89]

Sorry your feeling this way but dont think of yourself as a failure you just have more life experience than most people do thats all. Hope you feel better soon.

[likewater]

(((( greysfan)))) you aren't a failure. You are dealt the hand you are dealt, and those are the cards you have to play. That's just how it is.

[greysfan]

Thanks all I've been given too many chances though and blown them. x

[Clinte89]

I have done the same thing trust me I'm sure we all have to some point or another no need to call ourselves failures.

[Faraway tree]

Like water is right, it's just the hand you get dealt. And let's face it, the bipolar hand had some pretty ****** cards in it. Totally get the surreal feeling though, the "you have got to be kidding, this is my life here that bipolar is wrecking"

Please try not to feel like a failure . The fact you feel so tired shows you have tried so hard. When I feel really bummed about things I compare the effort I have put in to the effort others have who don't have bipolar and then I usually feel better just because it shows how much more hardcore I am than them in my brain. If there was a mental strength Olympics we would all kick butt!

Anyway, that's my little day dream when I feel a bit stink about things. I bet the very best non-crazy athletes in the Mental strength Olympics wouldnt stand a chance against the hardcore powers of a person who had the challenges of day to day life + a brain he or she cant trust + potentially being on drugs that still mess your brain up more.

I have digressed. Write your bipolar a letter. That's what I do. It helps separate what's you and what's not, because I bet the real you never wanted to let people down or miss the chances you mentioned. Mine normally start with "dear bipolar, I pretty much hate you right now.... ". Five pages later all my feelings are out and then normally all that's left is little tired old me, minus the guilt and the shame and the anger and the self loathing. That's not me. I'm not a failure I'm a damn marathon runner with a bipolar monkey on my back

[Crazy cat lady]

It's hard to feel normal with bp. I'll feel fine and slightly normal...until it's time to take out bottle after bottle after bottle of meds. There's meds to make me tired, and there's meds to help wake me up in the morning. All so I can feel as normal as possible. Sometimes I even forget about my bp until I find myself yelling at the kids for something silly like not getting off the couch when I said to. I actually yelled and screamed at my 6 year old for not letting me wash the shampoo out of his hair. He was just basking, but I couldn't back down and let it go. He is so emotionally messed up, and it's mainly because of my bp. And I am reminded of it when I try to take on as much as a normal mom. Then I get so overwhelmed and freak out, most of the time going into a semi-deep depression. Then I'm off work for a few months. That gets me feeling better, and I'm ready to try normal again. It's a vicious cycle.