Bipolar Girlfriend Disappears/Ignores Me

I'm here because there is a woman who I love very much, who has a very difficult time in her life, and I don't know how to help. Also because candidly I feel like I'm going crazy myself.

So my girlfriend and I got together about 9 months ago. We became pretty serious with each other pretty quickly. I don't think that was what either of us were particularly looking for but it was a great experience, so I never paused much to question it or pump the brakes.

She's 23 and I'm 29, we both work full time, and we do not live together.

I'll start with the first time we had an issue. And by that I just mean what I would consider a normal bump in the road for two people who just started dating, a relatively minor issue that resulted in less than a fight.

By the time this issue came along I was already well on my way to falling in love. We were on a clear path for both of us to never really be casually dating. So anyway, this issue happens and the next morning I try to reach out to her and make sure everything's good. I'm very much a 'wear my emotions on my sleeve' kind of guy. I'm not good at faking it if something is bothering me and I'm not good at bottling things up and/or dealing with them later. If there is an issue in my relationship or really any aspect of my life, I have a strong desire to fix it, right now.

This can be a difficult combination when dating more methodical people who need time to reflect and deal with things in their own way. I've experienced that in previous relationships. And I do try to respect it. So when my girlfriend kept her phone turned off the entire next day, I was certainly concerned but at the same time I thought I was simply dealing with the type of scenario just outlined above.

I finally got her on the phone the second day and we kept moving forward.

Well basically the next time there was an issue the phone stayed off for three days. The next time 5, and the "issues" causing this seemed less and less like a "big deal" everytime. Which of course lead to frantic attempts by me to get through to her. I would spend hours trying to figure out what I'd done wrong. She'd just have gotten irritable, left, and then on my end the waiting game would start.

Somewhere in this now repeating cycle she stopped turning her phone off- she just wouldn't reply. Not to calls, or texts. I'd convince myself to give her time, then wear down and send her an e-mail trying to make sure she was okay.

Responses always came significantly later than I anticipated. Days, a week. But they did always come eventually. As I'm sure anyone reading this knows, when you're waiting for that response hours seem like days already so waiting actual days in that mindset can be a real nightmare.

Okay so obviously at this point I know there is something very wrong here. Because things aren't adding up. We have a great time, genuinely great, we're fully in love at this point and yet... she continues to just disappear periodically and seemingly randomly.

She brought up the bipolar word first. I didn't really know what bipolar actually meant, at least no more than the average person's slang use of it, which I suppose is just a loose and somewhat disrespectful version of what it actually is. Anyway, she asked me if I thought she might be bipolar. And to this day I really wish I would have answered differently. I said no.

In retrospect she obviously knew more than I, surely had known something was "wrong" since long before she met me, had done her research and in some way was looking for permission to admit it with someone she loved. That is the retrospect perspective which I was regretfully far away from at that time.

So when things are good, she doesn't like to talk about this disappearing and the ignoring. But she does express being sorry for it, and she says things like "Don't give up on me" and "I'll always come back"

Well coming at this from my perspective my mind went a 1,000 places... is she cheating on me? Is she tired of this relationship, did we spend too much time together, go too fast? And if so, why not just break up with me? The voids in time started to really affect me. My mind would be all over the place and no emotion or feeling would be stable for long as I waited to hear from her.

At one point I just couldn't take it anymore and I went to her apartment unannounced. I felt I HAD to see her, we HAD to talk. That didn't go well, at all.

So by that point I had put together a few things that I knew 1) When she disappeared she would sleep, alot. My fears about her cheating or living some double life partying all the time really couldn't have been further from the truth. She slept for upwards of 15 hours and when she wasn't sleeping she would do things like watch movies or surf the internet for hours on end 2) Being aggressive didn't work, ever. The more I tried to fix things, the further we'd be from it. Usually when she came around it was after a few days of zero contact at all. 3) She seemed okay with everyone else (hard, if not impossible, to take personally) 4) Periodically she would drink by herself, and if she did it was always to the point of throwing up 5) Don't ask her what's wrong. She doesn't know and that question doesn't help.

That's about when I started to look into what bipolar disorder really was.

I bought some books, I first found forums like this one.

And it ALL added up. I fully realize that I am not a doctor and these are serious life issues. All I can tell you is that I am 100% certain that she is affected by this disorder, for the reasons listed above and countless more.

Really it scared the hell out of me, reading about the significantly increased risks of suicide and the all of the things she must be going through.

Then... she breaks up with me. Before we ever even had a discussion with my new insights. No explanation, no follow up, simply "I'm done".

I was heartbroken obviously but there was nothing I could do. So I kept learning more, reading more and more. She didn't appear to have many manic episodes, unless they were far more subdued than typical descriptions.

Six weeks went by, no contact, we were broken up for good.

Then out of nowhere she popped back up. She was very sorry, she missed me, she loves me, she was going through some very rough times, she didn't know what else to do.

That caught me off guard. Just as much so as the breakup itself.

We arranged meeting for dinner to talk about all of this. It was nice. Obviously I had missed her greatly and had a lot of unresolved issues about why she'd left. But more than anything I wanted to use this opportunity to tell her my primary regret, that I didn't answer the way I should have when she was seeking help. Then I showed her the books I had been reading, asked her to look into them herself sometime. And that I wanted to help her get help, if she was ready for that.

Well as I'm sure is not atypical in these situations, we started hanging out again, alot. And it was phenomonal, it was better than it ever was the first time. Truly. I had a new appreciation and understanding of her, we didn't fight at all. There were a couple times we started to go down a road that felt like things were going to go badly, and we turned it around before it did. That had never happened before.

She told me she felt much more comfortable. That she felt so much pressure the first time and that she knew she didn't react well to it. She didn't disappear at all.

In the back of my mind I guess I knew that inevitably the things would eventually start to happen again. She had to of too. But I felt like we were ready to take them in stride, we had discussed getting her help. I though the past would be the best predictor of the future and once we hit a 1-2 day skid, that would spark us to kick these plans into action.

Well I was correct about the past being the best indicator but I was far off on what the situation would be. Which brings us to the present.

We were on the phone and I mentioned something about her recent unhappiness at her job. In retrospect I suppose it could have been interperted as being a critical statement by me, but mildly so. And that was it, she didn't want to talk anymore that night, she was immediately ready for bed.

And immediately we were back in the old pattern we had done so well to avoid. Calls straight to voicemail, no texts being returned, me frantically sending e-mails apologizing and wondering when this silence would end.

That was three weeks ago. The silence is still full on.

Through mutual friends I know that she "seems okay" which I know has to be far from the truth underneath it all. But the point is she is maintaining the other aspects of her life. Which ultimately is a good thing.

But obviously in the meantime I'm losing my mind.

The last time I even tried to contact her was 4 days ago. None of this makes any sense, and I know it never will. She is a very loving girl when things are okay and I think she gets to a point where she simply isn't capable of dealing with a relationship that she feels this strongly about.

I assume at some point she will officially let me know that she's leaving again, I don't know maybe that's already to be assumed at this point. It's never gone this long, which is particularly disheartening considering how well things were going leading up this, for longer than they ever had before.

My #1 priority is to get her help. Which I fully realize is going to have to come from a desire within her. But I think that is possible, based on her previous acknowledgments. I just want to be there to make sure someone takes her up on it when she's ready.

I would love for this relationship to work out, but that's no longer my top priority.

Any insight from someone who has dealt with either side of a situation like this would be greatly appreciated.

I would prefer not to hear comments that I run across sometimes like "RUN!" "You can't help her" "Your life is going to be hell" I'm well aware of the seriousness of this disorder and the difficulty of living with it/loving someone with it. But I honestly think there is an opportunity here for what could be as real as saving someone's life.

I used to question why I wasn't better at dealing with this but at some point I realized no one would be good at dealing with this. And certainly aren't born with that capability. Most people probably wouldn't even try. So I've done my best to educate myself, be patient, and ultimately what it all comes down to is...

I'm not giving up on her.

I would scream borderline personality disorder.

"RUN!"

"You can't help her"

"Your life is going to be hell"

Oh wait, you're not saving her life. Riiight. You're not giving up on her. That comes next month when you find her in bed with a guy she's been chatting it up with online. That changes everything. I'm just confused with why you typed all that. Was there a question buried in it?

Seriously, what she's done is nothing. NOTHING. It's what a lot of 23 year old girls do. Not unusual. If you can't handle what you've just described, then you totally should run. It's only going to get worse and you'll look silly for typing things like "I'm not giving up on her"

...if I had a dollar every time someone said that.

I would suggest that both of you read An Unquiet Mind. It is an autobiography written by a physician who has bipolar.

http://www.ebay.com/sch/i.html?_saca...20mind&_sop=15
http://www.amazon.com/gp/offer-listi...condition=used

Sounds like you really "Love" her. I admire you for not giving up . She does need help. Possibly your the first person who has the interest and patience to try to get her help?

Is there anyway you could find a therapist or pdoc for her to see? Maybe go with her for her first appt?

I'm bipolar, ptsd, dissociative disorder, panic dis ect.. My therapist and pdoc have discussions about me. I've signed all the forms so that everyone can work together as team. Sometimes when things get bad my hubby will talk with either of them. He tells them things I forget or am not aware of.

I think your aware if you try to work this out, it will be difficult on you. Sounds like you have patience and you want to learn how to help her. Welcome and we are here for you!

wow. i felt like you were talking about me at some points of that. i've done the not answering calls, sending them to voicemails, not answering texts thing before. and all i can say is be patient if you really love her. but she has to want to help herself first, and forcing the issue probably isnt the best idea right now.

Oh god, the "I'm not giving up on her" the "I'm going to help her" guy...been there, done that, figured they all had some sort of complex because sure, I may have been raving mad but, beneath the moods, I was fine with me and didn't need to have someone trying to save me. Get a hobby.

It's weird that you say one thing or do something that offends her and she just turns around on you and cuts you out. Who does that? Then she goes back on it? Weird.

What else strikes me as odd? The frantic effort you're making to apologize, contact her and how dramatic you're being if she doesn't talk to you for a few days, sure, you care about her but, frantically? Desperately? Emails, texts, calls? All of the above! Creepy.

OP or the girl?

You really need ground rules for your relationship. A text a day saying "I'm here, I'll text tomorrow" would help ease your fears. I'm good at faking happy with my friends, my husband has asked me never to fake happy with him. There are times when I want to run far, far away. I haven't "ran away" since October before that February. I want to run again, but I know it's from myself. 1) You can stop her from running 2) You both really need to make ground rules for your relationship to protect you and her 3) You need therapy whether she gets it or not 4) you can't force help on her, it just wont work . If you want to be there for her than do it unconditionally. When she's there enjoy it. When she's not concentrate on yourself. Slowly she may tell you why. If she is depressed than it may be because she wants you to be with someone better then her (We have rules for that too.) I wish I could help you out more.

cocoa, the op. Boundaries are a huge issue with bpd and he has pushed them.