Diagnosed This Week - Bouncing off walls - Help!

I'm just a ball of energy right now, so I can't promise that this will make much sense. But I'll try! Some history.. I have been having emotional problems ever since I can remember. Without mentioning any particular details, my family life has been rather stressful, and I always just contributed my inability to cope with things as a result of that. When I was very young. 4 or 5, I created this mental safe space that I called my "black hole".. a place I could go where it was dark and empty and enveloped me in a safe kind of way. Later I would say I was going to go into my black hole to hibernate. I have always tried to find ways to escape (not in a drug or alcohol kind of way, but rather through books or music, or just imagining being in different places.. and it's gotten more elaborate, as now in my room, I try to find ways to create the inner world in my outer space.. so I light candles that smell like forests or a fireplace, play certain typed of music, decorate my room to emulate a forest with birds and a light up moon, etc.) While I don't think I've ever really experienced full on mania (which is why I just got diagnosed with type 2 bipolar) I realize now that my habits of getting extremely nervous.. like my body is pulsing with energy, and my mind "won't shut up" and my habit of getting obsessive over something.. for instance, I'll get it in my head that I want something.. be it a pair of boots, or a kind of perfume, or something (right now it's a sound machine) and I spend ridiculous amounts of time looking around for it, either online or in stores. I don't always act on the impulse.. like I haven't bought boots, perfume or a sound machine. The logical part of me stops me from buying things. But I still get kind of obsessed over finding it. I also get obsessive over learning things (which in a way has made me the great student that I am) But, I get interested in a topic, and suddenly I need to know everything I can possibly know about it.. I spend hours and hours, for days, reading online, going to libraries and getting loads of books about it, buying books, etc. My habit of getting hung up on stuff.. is that common during manic and/or hypomanic episodes? Or is this something else that's going on? I also tend to at times take on all sorts of responsibilities and projects.. I have a crazy drive to be the first and best at everything at times.. so I'm president of two different committees on campus, have a 4.0 gpa, am working on honors in my major, have taken on two minors, etc. Sometimes I feel like I can and want to handle it all, but at other times I just get so overwhelmed. I'm terrified of disappointing people, and feel like people expect me to be great at everything (and I try very hard, and so usually succeed, but not without wrenching my heart out with nerves and worry and anxiety) I used to think that this was just me being highly efficient and academic, but in light of this new diagnosis, I'm wondering if this is a common symptom of the disorder? I have ready mixed opinions on this on other websites. When I went in to my university's counseling center (I was in an extreme depressive state.. would cry uncontrollably at the drop of a hat, no energy, hopelessness, and just overwhelmed with life in general) My father is quite abusive (verbally mostly) and my mother suffered a brain aneurysm about 10 years before I was born, so in many ways I have always been the "adult" in my family (I'm an only child). I also recently found out I have mitral valve prolapse and supraventricular tachychardia with an accessory pathways in my heart, so that has risen my level of anxiety immensely. I was referred to the campus psychiatrist, who last week thought I had major anxious depression and put me on an antidepressant (zoloft). During all of last week, I started going crazy with the energy levels.. I absolutely could not keep still. My hands and feet were constantly bouncing or moving in some way, and try as I might, I couldn't control it. My thoughts began to race even more than they usually do. I thought this was just a side-effect of starting the antidepressant, but the psychiatrist said my reaction to it is a pretty concrete sign that it's not depression that I have, but rather bipolar disorder (type 2, she suspects). So. Wow, I am so sorry for typing so so much! I'm just going a little crazy right now. I still have so much energy, and I need to talk to other people who can relate maybe, and also perhaps tell me if what I'm going through is normal, and maybe what I can do for it. I am now taking Lamotrigine (25mg or the next two weeks, and then larger doses after that) and also 1mg of Clonazepam in the morning and at night to help slow me down (although it doesn't seem to be helping much, as I still have LOTS of energy. It's not like me to be so hyper.. I usually rather lay i bed most of the day, so I'm just not sure how to handle this. Anyway.. I'll stop now. Again, I'm really sorry for typing so much! I hope I don't scare off people. Yikes. Thanks for letting me get this out here at least.. I keep a journal too, and it's the same kind of experience, but with this, I thought maybe (if you can get through reading all this nonsense) maybe I could get some support and feedback. Thank you again,

M.

Hello Wintereyes,

In reading this, I am reminded of myself in many ways. It is almost uncanny the resemblances we have. Grew up being the adult in my family. Escape life by daydreaming. Always full of anxiety early on. Becoming very task oriented or academically focused at times (i.e. learning about gardening, every plant on earth, even the latin names). Graduated from university with distinction. On 14 different committees at work, above my regular job. We are on the same meds. I became very hypomanic and filled with energy with an SSRI, accomplished incredible things that I now cannot believe. How did I do that? Also have very depressed states.

So to answer your question, yes, these things sound characteristic of bipolar II.

Feel free to PM me anytime! You appear to be my kindred!

Ah, it's such a relief to find someone who understand what it's like. I feel much less "crazy" now (I hope you know what I mean by that). Did you find that with the medications, your drive to be an overachiever was at all diminished? I want to be successful in life, but not with the stress and anxiousness that comes along with it now. Thanks so much for you reply! It's made me feel a lot better today.

M.

Ah, I feel much better knowing I'm not the alone one like this. Makes me feel much less "crazy" (I hope you know what I mean by that). Did you find that your drive and motivation diminished after taking the medications? I want to continue to be successful, but without the nerves and anxiousness that come along with it now. Thanks so much for your reply. It's made me feel much better today.

M.

I don't think it causes your over achievement attitudes to diminish but when learning about how BP effects you may end up keeping a more 'normal' pace over all. So instead of being under productive during depression and over productive when hypo manic it's eventually suppose to even out more.

Welcome to PC Winter

It can seem overwhelming when you are first diagnosed.

The best advice I can give is Deep breath and post when you need to and read all the posts that interest you.

PC is full of wonderful caring people who will offer support and a laugh or 2

Again Welcome~

Hi there,

It would be difficult to answer your question right now because I am still working on finding the right medication cocktail. I have not had the hypomania since I started on lamictal and got rid of Wellbutrin.

In a way I feel like I haven't got that level of productivity back, but I am not fully out of depression. I will have a better idea once I can conquer this low grade depression.

I agree with Miguel's Mom that I am very underproductive when depressed and I tend to have much more depression than the energetic phase. The energetic phase always begins well, but ends very badly! The anxiety is the worst part of that phase. I think that I take on way too much when I am hypomanic and when I return to normal or depression, I am so overwhelmed!

Not sure if I answered your question.............

yep... you sound like me. Except... I dropped out of school. I had/have serious emotional problems that kept me from bonding with others growing up and I acted out cuz of it. But other than that, yeah, You totally sound like me. But... I had a lot of rage when hypo for too long. I'm happy that you don't have that.

Well, as an update, I had a breakdown yesterday, and also this morning.. my psychiatrist wanted to see me as soon as possible, so I went to see her this afternoon. She said that while she was hoping the Clonazepam would be enough to curb the excessive energy and racing thoughts, etc., it clearly was not working. She gave me Seroquel XR (150mg) and I took my first one about an hour and a half ago. I'm not as bouncy, so that's a good sign (: Like I've already said before though, I have (for better or for worse) a habit of wanting to learn everything there is to know about something, so have just spent the last hour researching Seroquel... the mentions of deaths and problems with heart conditions kind of terrified me! (I have mitral valve prolapse and supraventricular tachychardia with an accessory pathway) I'm sure there's no need to worry, and I suppose the dosage is quite low (my psychiatrist originally was going to give me 50mg of it, but what with all the bouncing about, decided on 150mg instead, though said that sometimes dosages can go up to 800mg). Annyway. I just wanted to give an update, and talk to anyone else who is or has taken it, and their thoughts. Thanks!

M.

Hi Wintereyes,

I am sorry your symptoms have not abaited. It takes time to find the medications that will work best for you.

I did try Seroquel but it made me feel like my arms and legs were crawling with bugs! I have noticed that many people on this forum have used it with success.

I hopr you are feeling better soon.

Yup, meds definitely take away that drive, you may still want to do well but, you'll be okay with settling. Your mind won't race and you won't feel any inspiration at all. Those ideas that get you an A+ paper won't come, you'll get As and be fine with that, even a B is acceptable because you're not driven anymore. You're not up all night with insight. You won't be able to care like you do now.

And whether the meds really work to prevent depression is questionable. Mania sure, but you get hypomanic and that is a good way to be. Hypomania is just happiness in people who don't get depressed and not considered disordered.

If you're anything like me...

So, I went off my meds. Goal, prevent depression, and enjoy "hypomania".

Question your doctors. Question everything.

Going hypomanic because of Zoloft doesn't mean you have bipolar disorder.

Being depressed doesn't mean you have a disorder, you said your dad was abusive, maybe you have every reason to be depressed. Depression, even severely so, is a normal human experience. Question that your depression was disordered.

Personally, I think my "bipolar disorder" is a manifestation of my struggle with the awareness that life is ultimately meaningless.

I'm not anti-meds but, you absolutely cannot trust your doctors authority. You're in university, you must see it, even the most educated population is full of raving idiots.

Good luck.

Taking meds does not mean you lose all of your drive! Does not mean that you stop caring! Does not mean you lose all of your ideas!

Cocoa... this is NOT good advice to someone just diagnosed and struggling!

I'm simply sharing my experiences with meds and the diagnosis. People, especially the newly diagnosed, must be aware that medication can cause awful effects and doctors are not to be blindly trusted.

Medication isn't right for everyone and they did suck for me, the stuff I mentioned plus worse insomnia and lack of appetite but that wasn't the worst of it, heck I've even been on one combination that had me so dumbed out I was constantly complaining of having no thoughts at al!l On that particular combo (celexa and lamictal) the lights were on and no one was home, I was empty and entirely apathetic. That was an extreme period but even "stable" on meds, I hated it. Wasn't entirely not caring but the drive? Gone.

If being honest isn't good, or do you think I'm making stuff up?

Sure, I could have worded it differently to make it sound less assuming that this would happen to the OP but, I don't assume many are silly enough not to read that part as my being lazy.

once you start telling people that meds will make them stop caring and that they will lose all of their ideas.... you are going to scare them. That doesn't happen to everyone and meds can really help some people... So please lets not scare them off before they have their fair chance of getting the help they need

and on the flipside, my meds have been life changing for me. I really don't see life without them now that I believe we have found the right dosage/combo. So there are people that meds can help, dramatically.

I'm saying this for the original poster to show them there is hope on the medicated side too.

Medication is scary and people need to be extremely cautious and aware.

I only survived the worst ones because I was lucky enough to have someone, not my doctor by the way, tell me how bad they were and to go against the doctor's advice and quit a few.

Yes, my last quitting of meds was for reasons most on here would put up with but, meds are not something to take lightly and to pretend that doctors can always be trusted and medication is not something to fear is dangerous advice.

Try them, sure. I'd go back on medication if I had to but, be extremely cautious of meds and the diagnosis.

I really like this post Cocoa. I think you got your point across awesome here without scaring someone who is new and unsure! Thank you!

I was on antidepressants for a short period, and they definately hyped me up for the first week or so, it may just be that.
But if you do have BP, good luck to you mate, it won't change who you are, however other peoples opinions of you may change.
Be aware that your bank account, criminal record and reputation can rapidly change for the worse if you felt like having a bit of fun ("a good idea at the time" sort-of thing).
But on the plus side, you may find yourself more creative, intelligent and productive than the average person