If this is what it feels like to be "normal," I want to go back to hypomania

Thank you for the posts in this thread. I can relate so much to all that was just said- right down to the squirts...

Found an interesting video.

This guy says "recovery" means we're in a bored place where we are often afraid to even leave our homes because we're afraid something will trigger an episode.

So how do we get beyond "bored"?

He explains here:

I love Tom wooton...

He gets it. People don't become non-compliant with their treatment because of their illness "lying to them"... it's because we do like some of our quirks in a way. KInda... Only Happy when it raaaaaaaaaaains, only happy when it's complicaaaaaaaaaaaaated... And those who never been there cannot understand.

how to move to freedom of mind? To me philosophies help. Existenialism mixed with some buddhism... nothing really matters in the end... and it's good.

This sucks.

I came back to treatment (after being away since 1994) because the day job that I have (and felt like it was killing my creativity) was in danger.

I was hypomanic and unable to focus on my work.

So, in an attempt to keep the day job (which was killing the creativity that I value so much), I decided to get back into treatment.

Now the treatment is apparently ALSO killing my creativity and making me incredibly bored.

My short-term disability ends in two weeks and I'm supposed to report back to the day job.

As slowly as the days are dragging by now, I can't imagine how bored I will be at the day job.

Will I be a better employee? Who knows. I guess the best worker bees are bored out of their minds and don't realize there is something better out there.

But I do remember a little bit of what I was like back in the early 1990s when I was on lithium. I remember that I can't remember a lot of my life. I remember being zombie-like when my son was really small.

What do you do when so much of what makes me "me" is being taken away by the drugs?

This is a pretty good video "Purple". This is kinda what I've been trying to do for years without meds. Its so hard on your own though. I'll have to look more into this guy's work. Thanks.

is eventual career change an option? Don't destroy yourself over a job you hate. Not worth it.

reminds me sorta of this

That video was fabulous!

A different job is a possibility, but I would rather increase the side business that I run from home so that it will support me rather than getting another job.

Plus jobs around here aren't that great.

I really lucked out with this job because it pays twice what other jobs around here pay. Problem is I was manic when I interviewed and insisted that it didn't matter that I didn't know the technical aspects of the job. They believed my claims that I am a fast learner, and I haven't learned what I need to know to be on top of the job.

Each day, I look online to see what jobs are available around here, and they're all barely over minimum wage even if you have a degree.

"Purple", your breaking my heart. You are having such a hard time. And I know how you feel about the meds making you bored. That's why I quit taking mine like you did years ago. Maybe they just gave you the wrong ones. Sounds like a mild anxiety med would have worked better....just to calm you down. And atleast you could still feel something. My heart truely goes out to you in this very rough time

Dear Purple,

I am sorry for your experience thus far. At my last pdoc appointment, I was almost convinced that I would try lithium, despite all that I have read about it. However, in reading your post, I don't want it.
I already feel dulled and like I am just existing in life, not happy, not sad. Maybe an indifferent place in between?
I feel for you and am sending hugs your way.
Blue Poppy

Thanks for the discussion, everyone.

Good to know I'm not the only one who has gone through this. It's also good to know this thread has helped a few other people.

I go back to the psychiatrist tomorrow. We'll see what happens with the meds.

I'm tempted to tell him I don't want ANYTHING and want to go back to the way I was before.

Maybe he needs to add an anti-depressant to the mix.

Blue, are you on anything now? Or are you off meds?

I'm tempted to go back to no meds, and stay in therapy.

Hi Purple,

I am currently taking lamictal, paxil and effexor.

Tried to go off the effexor first, got depressed, so kept it.

Dropped low again in July despite the lamictal and effexor.

Asked to add paxil. Feel better on paxil. Not necessarily happy, but able to function.

What I would really like to do is cut out the lamictal and effexor and see how i do just on paxil. I used to manage fine with only this one med.

I need to wait until I have a very low stress period of time in my life to try this. It may come soon enough, if my husband gets work. I may choose to not work for a while and see if I can get this thing under control.

What did your Pdoc say?

I go tomorrow (Thursday).

We'll see what happens.

I've only seen him once before. Not really sure how he will react.

What did the pdoc say purple?

He was concerned about the non-stop squirts, non-stop thirst, and stomach pain, so we are discontinuing the lithium.

I told him I feel blah, bored, and boring. I've always had a wicked sense of humor, which is reflected in my speaking and writing. I told him my friends want to know what's wrong with me adn why I am no longer funny.

He said if I'm going to be on mood stabilizers, that's part of what they make stable. You're kind of in the middle. So I need to decide if I want to be stable or be funny.

That kind of bothered me. I don't want to lose my personality.

And I told him that I have not felt creative. I was going to spend this time off working on some of my writing. It's not cool for a writer to lose her creativity.

He said we'll discontinue the lithium.

He prescribed Ambien, since I am still having trouble sleeping. I wasn't happy with the metallic taste of the Lunesta.

He looked over my chart from the early 1990s and said, "You were on lithium before. Why isn't it working this time?"

I said, "I was taking Prozac with the lithium back then, and this time it's lithium by itself."

He looked things over, and said that this most recent bout of hypomania was probably set off by the anti-depressants that my regular MD prescribed a little over a year and a half ago.

"So let's get you sleeping well and see how well you do without a mood stabilizer and without an anti-depressant," he said.

If I start to feel depressed, I'm supposed to call and he'll prescribe Wellbutrin.

I'm sure this will happen in the not-so-distant future because I really believe that I also have Seasonal Affective Disorder, so once the days grow dark and dreary, my old friend will visit me.

Now I'm looking forward to getting my personality and my creativity back.

I'm definitely staying in therapy so she can help me learn some coping skills. That's a big thing I was lacking all of those years when I was unmedicated and not in therapy -- I wasn't able to cope and I didn't understand about triggers.

There are stabilizers out there with an antidepressant effect in them like abilify. It was my miracle drug.

Abilify didn't agree with me. We tried it before the lithium, and I can't remember why it didn't work.

See? Lithium has robbed me of my short-term memory again.

I was about to say - add Prozac! Prozac with Lithium has been a wonderful combination for me. It has allowed me to go into interviews confidently - something I could not do on Lithium alone - enjoy the smell of freshly cut grass, and have quick spontaneous orgasms from mere thoughts! Plus, Prozac has been great against suicidal acting out. I highly recommend it.

Edited to add: sorry, I did not read through the whole thread. I see that you are off Lithium now. I still recommend Prozac, but you have to be on some MS or AP to prevent Prozac-induced mania or hypomania.

I had a Lithium- Prozac combo... It still gave me the flat effect, even after increasing the prozac, guess it just didnt agree with my personality. Glad your pdoc is so helpful.

The lithium/Prozac combo long ago made me flat, too. There are years that I don't remember. There are events in my life and my child's life that I simply do not remember. Big hunks are missing. I really regret that.

Wow, it has never happened to me, I guess I am lucky! I can retrieve my posts on this board from months ago by remembering keywords. Works every time. I have been here for a year and I recall everything.

I too have gaps in
my longterm memory, dont know how extensive the damage is, honestly, I dont really want to know...

My gaps in memory are bad.

Facebook helped me reconnect with someone who was my best friend back in those days. She is constantly asking me, "Remember when we did ___" this or that, or telling me I was so funny when I said something.

I have no memory of these things at all.

She lives half-way across the country now, but I'd love to get together in person and try to put the pieces of my life back together.

I feel that way on Lamictal. Very frustrating. But not as intense as the other meds ive tried But it's somehow been the best med out of them all. Have you tried Lamictal yet? Usually the more successful.