Aaaaaahhhhhhh

I am a non-contributing member of society who tries to form friendships, gets too close, f*ks that up, then is left alone and broken. And the cycle starts over.
I don't know why I am bothering. I am hurting ppl apparently

Who are you hurting Jacky? And what non-contributing kak is this? You work your bloody arse off!!!! If you hurt someone intentionally, I know you know how to apologize, you're a sweet soul. If its more complicated, I'm too ill-informed to advise... You're a good person and a good friend. Anyone who says different musta drank out the stupid glass! Love you Jacky, you have friends here...

hey hope you are ok suga, thinking of you

Thanks Trippin ans BlueI.
I'm just recently feeling like I reaaly just want out. Because so little is working out for me, and I really am just covered by a dark cloud.
I even considered giving up my horses because I'm wasting their time

i feel over whelmed by my chickens, i can imagine the responsibility with the horses.

but in a way, can you find that part of yourself that passion, for horse riding. i have 2 gf's with horses, i want to ride again so bad! i haven't since i was a girl. they keep saying they'll take me, but i guess it's an ordeal getting it all arranged.

so what's going on for you? are you on meds that help at all?

glad you wrote back quick

I take 300mg Wellbutrin and 1000mg Sodium Valporate (soon to go up by 300mg). I take Ativan and Klonopin as needed.
Yes, I also drink too much. Doesn't help the meds. I'll take a sleeping tab if I need some time out - maybe tomorrow a day of work sounds a plan.
Horses are looked after for me, but it makes it expensive and I'm not getting the pleasure I used to. They were my only friends. Even now I don't bond with them anymore.
I really am battling to keep going

I don't see the point - I'm sorry

Please keep chatting to me. I need the company and sanity right now

Hey Jacky, you still online? I only just got a chance to login...

Suga, fell asleep, it got late i'm sorry. i've been staying up late hours, but actually slept for 6 hours. i'm trying to make a new start and make it to work today.
i hope you are ok, ok-ish??

Work is finished and it's 6:30 PM now. Been to see the horses.
Going to cook supper, have a Klonopin and sleep.
It hasn't been easy today. Those thoughts have been with me all day

glad your workday is done. hope you can relax and sleep well tonight.

Slept like a log. Hope today is better.
The Klonopin is making me a bit drowsy and I have a REAL day ahead of me, but I have to get thro this.
Making some headway on finding a T-hold thumbs

Have a good day!

Thanks M's mom.
Going to see a T in 2 weeks...