[treehugger727]

I didn't know until last month that I had BP. From the time I was almost 15 to the time I was 20 (and became pregnant) I self medicated with pot. I experimented with other drugs as a teenager but mostly pot was my drug. It made me feel better and took the sharpness from the edges of my mind. It seemed like the lesser of the two evils seeing my mom be unable to walk or passed out or puking from her excessive drinking when my dad was at work. I didn't want to be her. (i never stopped to think about how she was feeling until about 5 years ago- we are friends now and she's much better now)


Looking back, now, I realize my behavior should have raised some eyebrows at the very least. The last two years of high school I was ditching school all the time, having promiscuous relationships that people accused me of having before (which I didnt until that time)and I just closed off any thoughts that this might not be good. I always thought I was smarter than everyone as a teenager- got good grades without trying when I showed up and used to be in the gifted programs in Elementary. I can remember really thinking that I was untouchable and I would never : overdo it with drugs, get an std, get pregnant, etc. Fortunately when I got pregnant it was while in a somewhat stable, monogamous relationship...and I was no longer a teenager. Looking back, I did so much stupid **** when I was younger, I can't believe I got through those years with only one brush with the law (pot related- with friends smoking a j at a fair...dumb) and that I didn't OD or get hurt. I made a lot of bad choices to say the least.

Then I had my son and felt ok for a long time. When I would feel bad, I would shop...or eat- or decided I was going to be the next best _______. I must have started a million different things and finished only a handful. I would get ideas and just HAD to pursue them. When I was racing or feeling bad it usually manifested as shopping- buying crap because it was on sale, telling myself that I had to buy my little man that Gap sweatshirt in every color (so stupid), rationalizing stupid stupid purchases like designer purses and shoes that I had NO BUSINESS buying but at the time I had good credit so retail therapy was my go-to instant gratification fix that I had to have. I think I really kept it together well because I was a mom now and if i was going to raise a kid I wanted to do it right...

In 2007 I decided to end a 11 year relationship with my son's dad. It was over long before it was over but I did not want to give up because I thought "relationships are hard work, so thats that." I remember the moment when I realized I wasn't happy- I remember admitting it on the phone to a close friend who told me that it was ok to admit if I wasn't happy, that nobody expected me to have it together all the time. WHAT?!?! I didnt have to have it together all the time?? 10 months after that conversation I was lying on the couch and my little boy comes up and lays his head on my chest and says, "Mommy, you are so cute...even though you are sad all the time." That was it for me. I knew I had to make a change. I told his dad he had to leave. That I was done and no, I did not want to go to couples therapy now you should have said yes when I still had fight left in me nine months prior.

So several months after the break up I go balls out having fun, enjoying my weekends without my son- drinking all the time (when he was at his dads), making bad choices sexually, totally not acting like a responsible adult. I went from relationship to relationship convinced that "he was the one" and f***ing up at work, getting in trouble, lying to get days off, putting myself in dangerous situations like going boating with guys that were totally wasted, and getting wasted myself. Then, I lost 25 pounds, couldn't eat, was having a hard time getting up, making excuses and reasons up why I couldnt go to work. and worstlynot sleeping- waking up and staying up- blogging, listening to music, just could not make my brain shut down. Went to my doctor because I was convinced there was something wrong physically or thyroid or something- she does bloodwork and it all comes back fine so she throws me on Paxil and tells me I am depressed. I didn't believe her. But I filled the script and held it for a month or so. Everything seemed to spiral and I remember crying in my living room and my big, fat, tears splashing on the wood floor and my friend Tracy telling me I needed to take my meds, that I needed to accept the help.

So I did then started having very panicky moments. My doc said she was not comfortable prescribing anything else and refers me to pdoc. He puts me on pristiq and gives me Ambein to sleep and a weekly appointment for therapy. Once I started sleeping I decided to stop the pristiq. Pssshhtt. I wasn't depressed, that doc doesn't know me. Kept taking the Ambein until for some reason I was able to sleep without it a couple weeks later. I never went back to therapy and I never took more antidepressants. Still visited with the Ambein from time to time as I was cautious not to overdo it- I was afraid I wouldnt hear my son in the middle of the night and for the most part I could use it sparingly and be fine.

Several years pass...lots of impulsive decisions made between then and now including numerous tattoos and a curable (thankfully!) std given to me by my boyfriend at the time that I was convinced was my soul mate. STUPID.Stupid. Still had no idea that this should be some type of big red flag. Nope.

So ff to about three months ago when I am having huge issues at work. I was also having mild panic attacks and was having serious issues at work. I would cry for no reason, feel drained, didnt want to work out, either over ate or forgot to eat all together. I was a little impulsive at times. I was an off and on again insomniac. I can't think straight, I am distracted and little tiny things make me cry...at work...and no matter how hard I try I can't not cry. I start not sleeping pretty regularly and start getting Xanax from a friend to try to sleep or I would smoke a bong. I start to realize that I seriously have racing brain. But part of me thinks-I LIKE IT! I feel quirky and smart and popular and there is nothing wrong with this right? it is how i am supposed to be and it is coming out now because i am in this healthy relationship and feel awesome. Then the next day feeling like crap. And then I have this crazy road rage that makes me actually visualize ramming my car into other cars and flipping people the bird and riding their *** on the freeway. DANGER~!

Then I started getting these rage-ey moments and often taking it out on my son; saying terrible things and while I am saying them thinking wtf am i saying this to him for???, like knowing it was so so wrong but having zero control over it. then crumbling afterwards because i can't believe i would ever talk to my amazing, brilliant, kind baby that way. I am a ****** mom what the hell is wrong with me. I went to see a pdoc because I was unable to contain my anger and irritation and I was lashing out at my son verbally on a level that made me realize that I needed to figure out how to stop (not cool). Then I started getting little panic attacks- my face and hands tingling so I made a pdoc appt.

I honestly was expecting to hear that I was experiencing mild anxiety and maybe depression but nope. She dropped the bomb on me. So here I am...kinda broken and kinda kooky but glad i found a place to lay this all out.


That's me. Trying to understand this condition, wrapping my brain around something that is never going away. Kind of thankful because now I reflect and am able to make sense of a lot of things that have gone down in my life. It is like every day I see something else in a different light and I am thankful for it. I know I can be better so I am working toward that while trying not to obsess and self-hate when those bad moments sneak up on me. I sometimes feel really broken and like a total f-up but I remind myself that I am human and I made a lot of poor choices and decisions. That i am gonna have opportunities to make choices and that this time around hopefully theyll be good ones.

So now I am trying to find the balance. Just the balance. That is all I really think I need. Balance.

thanks for reading my wall of text if you made it this far it really means a lot that people care here. really.

[BlueInanna]

Tree I've done a lot of those type things too and living with the regret. The absolute worst is yelling at the kids or acting totally crazy in front of them, I have done it and wish I could take it back. I used to have screaming spells, like mania mixed with anxiety and depression, just stand in my kitchen screaming and pulling my hair, room spinning, feeling like i was falling off the planet, yelling stay away from me, until i'd fall on the floor sobbing. I really really wish no one ever had to see me like that.

But... Once you get some space/time from acting like that, they see the improvement. the kids usually have empathy for me... i'm very very loving and caring and playful with them, they know we're not a normal family. I think i'm maybe just recently coming to terms with the bp thing myself. the dx was about 2 1/2 yrs ago. i'm still me but have learned how to cope and manage the crazy emotions much better

And the road rage, i totally get you there. yea... sometimes, i look at all the people like, oh they're all following rules and getting along together. then other times, i feel like wtf is this place, everybody hates everyone else and just wants to kill each other lol. not funny at the time when i'm caught up in it, but now i can laugh and thank god i havent hurt anyone or been hurt on the road, holy cow...

[hamster-bamster]

I think that you will find the balance you seek.

I actually got goosebumps from reading your post! I was a lot the same way. It is really a special time in your life right now, now that you have answers and hopefully, hope. I saw a lot of me, as I'm sure most people here can totally relate.

It is not easy to accept this dx, as our brains continually tell us that we are ok.

feel free to post away! let it rip and get it out and hopefully get some perspective on all of this!

[treehugger727]

Thanks, PC friends. I hesitated to post all of that but I figured it has to be a crucial part of my journey because I felt such a huge pull to share. So I did. I don't know if it was appropriate to post here so I apologize if it should have gone elsewhere.

I appreciate all of your comments. You guys are all so awesome. How did I get through the days without you before??? Thank you for all of your support.

xoxo

[BlueInanna]

Yes! You're in the right place! (sorry if i sound like al-anon haha)
But you are fine, your post was great, open, honest. That's brave to do, and brings about healing.