[cocoabeans]

I'm a bit drunk and sad right now! Though, is "drunk" really that much different than under the influence of prescribed sleeping pills or anti-anxiety medications? No, to me it feels the same except less severe hang over.

I'm not sure why I'm sad. Maybe because I can't just say, to my friends, "I'm sad." Without worrying about being a negative influence, someone undesirable...for me sadness just takes over.

And maybe I'm sad because my husband is depressed right now, he has bipolar and his moods are something I can be aware of and at the same time not understand the severity. I think it is "normal", I had my first "depression" as a child, my parents had been depressed, suicidal even, mother manic, it is normal...
And I know I can't make it better. It isn't my fault. I'm helpless. I can listen. That's it, but who can listen to me? Right now, lately, other than this temporary sadness and anxiety issues, I've been happy.

It has got to be that way, he's down, I'm up.

I want to say, get me my life back but, this is my life.

I'm lonely.

[cocoabeans]

I didn't get this sort of desperate, want to spill my guts out on the floor, drink 'em up and throw them up sort of loneliness on medication...what I'm feeling now, I can't really even get to it, is what I missed on medication. It's all backwards though, now I miss that part of medication.

Everything digs deeper but, I don't know anything.

Cocoa,

I really understand this, I do. My bf gets depressed often, and I feel like I have to be up when he is down. or it's a disaster. Especially since he isolates when he is down, and I need to be closer when I am down, it's a huge clash of needs.

I don't really have friends irl, I have two sisters, who have their plates full. I don't like to be the one bringing them down, or the bipolar needy sister either. So I keep my stuff to myself.

I know I should say, you will not be bringing your friends down, that's what they are for good and bad. That you probably are there for them if they need you right? Hard to say it if I don't do it. But I know that it's probably true.

All I can really say is I feel for you, and yes it is a lonely situation sometimes. It makes me feel lonely too. Do you have even one friend you can confide in, and try to ignore the negative feelings about talking to them?

I mean you can always talk to us here, but it isn't the same, and I know that.

Don't think you broke any rules at all.

Yes, the no meds thing.. hmmm I have not had to deal with long lasting depression yet off them, I was never on ad's though anyways, I tried them a few times for a few weeks here and there. Are meds an option in your mind, if you get to a point where you really can't cope?

[Yoda]

((((((cocoabeans)))))

You do know that alcohol is a depressant, right? I am sorry you are feeling bad.

[BlueInanna]

I don't mind you're a bit drunk Cocoa, just don't want to let it turn into a totally regular thing, ya know? I took my 2 clonopins, but they're not doing ****, I could go for a beer but have none.

This is hard to have your husband have bp also. I envy you in a way, because you have a husband, and one who knows what bp is, and knows from his experience you are not making anything up. You could try my non-emotional bf, and see how quick you kick his boring *** out the door.

You could try some of the friends to see if they're willing to be there for you when you're lonely. Some can handle it, some can't.

I really hope this is a bump you can ride out, and get back to the mellow happiness.

Just keep talking and posting. I'm trying to stay here and not follow my wild hair out to the bars.

[Trippin2.0]

I too know this brand of loneliness you speak of... But I have no advice, when it hits I convince myself I dont need anyone, and they wouldnt get it anyway, beats crying for something I dont have... So sorry you're feeling low...

[Victoria'smom]

My DH has BP too and yes if we are both down or both up it's a disaster. I understand how you would find BP 'normal'. I hope your feeling better today. I know it's not the same but we can listen to you that's why we're here.

[sugahorse1]

((Cocao)) I'm sorry. I do the same. It can be so lonely at times.

[Setso]

I
Hope
U feel better

[cocoabeans]

Thanks for the replies guys! My brain is a bit of a mess all over the place lately but, I'm feeling good and optimistic about things. Husband has been feeling better too!

Life is so dang annoying sometimes!

[manic most days]

I hate life but no matter what it does to me I seriously have to say outloud too... HA LIFE YOU HIT LIKE A B**CH!!! Friday I have an interview for the highest paying job that I have ever been so interested in, they have already talked to my referring DMD which wow I didn't have a clue that he even freakin worked for them for 20 years. I got a text that it already sounds like I'm a good foot or two in the door.. Just last week I was bawling my eyes out spending every minute on a child that completely made me jump thru all his hoops for him that I didn't even think I could manage a job!!

[cocoabeans]

I try not to believe anything I'm thinking or at least believe such things for long, like, "I can't handle x". My thoughts can be monsters! I wish my brain would just shut up. I have to fight against it all day long!

What's a DMD?

[Seaswept]

My thoughts are monsters too. I'm trying to work on them in therapy with CBT.