[Phoenix060912]

Who the heck needs friends? Who needs people to care about you? Why should they care about you? You're useless and have no purpose. You're a burden on your wife. They need to stop caring. It would make things so much easier. I've gotten worse in the last few days. The hallucinations are containing more and more paranoia. I think I see cars chasing me when I am driving. I see creatures on the hoods of cars behind me. I see people watching me. I feel their eyes on me. I hear them calling my name. Laughing at me. Telling me I am evil and worthless. That I should die. It would make everything better. I am alone in this world. No one understands how alone I feel. I am always alone at home. My wife leaves at five in the morning to go to work and doesn't get home until six in the evening. Some days she even stays later. I cry myself to sleep sometimes. I can't sleep. I am up to all hours of the night. I hate myself. I feel like I'm never going to get better. I've been diagnosed with Bipolar I Disorder (rapid cycling) with psychotic features, PTSD, and OCD for ten years and each year I have gotten worse. I am treatment refractory according to my pdoc. I'm tired of fighting these d**mn diseases. I don't have any friends that I can call mine. Nobody to hang out with during the day when I am alone. I get caught in my head. I...I don't know anything anymore. My wife says that I am likeable and unforgetteable. If so, then where are all MY friends. MY friends from work, who have abandoned me. MY friends from playing softball, who have abandoned. MY friends. Where the heck are MY friends? I DON"T HAVE ANY BECAUSE I AM WORTHLESS. My parents and other family live 1500 miles away from me, so my absence wouldn't be a big deal if I just disappeared. I can't keep putting the weight on my wife to take care of me and worry about me. It's not fair to her.

Someone out there...will you please just talk to me? Let me know that I have the strength to keep fighting? I know you don't know me from Adam, but please, I am asking for your help.

[Yoda]

Have you thought about what might make you feel better? Such as volunteering at an animal shelter? It helps me when I am feeling down on myself to think about others' needs.

[moremi]

So sorry you are having such a hard time. It will get better.

[hamster-bamster]

I seriously feel that you should take a break from driving under the circumstances. Driving is a risky activity that requires fast reaction time, presence of mind, alertness, etc. Don't drive while you are hallucinating about cars chasing you. Stay home. Take public transit. Have someone give you a ride for once. Do not take this risk.

[BipolaRNurse]

Do you think it may be time for inpatient? You sound so close to the edge that I'm frightened for you. Please get help right away.....truly, life doesn't have to be like this!

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Phoenix060912

I can't keep putting the weight on my wife to take care of me and worry about me. It's not fair to her.

Believe me, committing a suicide on her is not fair to her either. Just think about the grief and pain that she will go through! How can you seriously think of putting her through that kind of stuff justifying yourself by the talk about "fairness"! She sounds like a good person from what you wrote about her; think about her before you act! Even an "unsuccessful" suicide attempt leaves permanent scars: think about what my ex husband went through when I overdosed. He went through waiting for a whole night at home with his close friend while the kids were having a sleepover (they were on a playdate and he did not want them to come home to learn that their mom went missing, so he told the hosting parents about my suicide attempt and they extended the playdate into a sleepover and took the kids to school with them next day), not knowing whether I was alive or already dead. Then when I was found and transported to the hospital by ambulance and put on ventilator for several days, he went through splitting his time between the kids (to whom he had to tell that their mother all of a sudden became extemely ill) and me, not knowing whether I would survive. Then for several more days he was not sure whether I would wake up or remain braindead. And that is an "unsuccessful" suicide attempt! Think about the scars from a "successful" suicide attempt!

[moremi]

I believe inpatient would be a good idea. You will feel so much better once they can get your meds straight. all the hallucinations and everything will be gone and everything will not be so scarry.

[Phoenix060912]

Thank you all for the replies. Hamster, my wife is the ONLY reason I haven't attempted to take my life. I know the devastation first hand. I can't put her through that. I have tried so many med combitations and none have worked. Yeah, I may need hospitalization. I see my therapist tomorrow and my pdoc on Thursday. Until then, I will just keep fighting like I always do.

Current Med List:
2500 mg Depakote
900 mg Seroquel
125 mcg Levothyroxin
100 mg Zoloft
50 mg Hydroxizine

Thanks for listening. All of you.
Phoenix

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Phoenix060912

Thank you all for the replies. Hamster, my wife is the ONLY reason I haven't attempted to take my life. I know the devastation first hand. I can't put her through that. I have tried so many med combitations and none have worked. Yeah, I may need hospitalization. I see my therapist tomorrow and my pdoc on Thursday. Until then, I will just keep fighting like I always do.

Current Med List:
2500 mg Depakote
900 mg Seroquel
125 mcg Levothyroxin
100 mg Zoloft
50 mg Hydroxizine

Thanks for listening. All of you.
Phoenix

I would literally die from that amount of Depakote. My hands shook like crazy from 1000-1250 mg. And it didn't help against mania a bit. Your dose of Seroquel didn't help against mania either.

[abience]

Be honest with your doc. It may be time for a little inpt stay to get you a bit grounded, maybe adjust your meds. When you get out, do try and volunteer somewhere during the day so you aren't alone. A shelter, a library, a hospital, an old folks home, a thrift store. Just something to occupy a little time so you can get out of your head.

a

[Seaswept]

Hallucinating like that and feeling so worthless means you definitely need to get to the hospital asap so you're safe and can get your meds straightened out.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Phoenix060912

Thank you all for the replies. Hamster, my wife is the ONLY reason I haven't attempted to take my life. I know the devastation first hand. I can't put her through that. I have tried so many med combitations and none have worked. Yeah, I may need hospitalization. I see my therapist tomorrow and my pdoc on Thursday. Until then, I will just keep fighting like I always do.

Current Med List:
2500 mg Depakote
900 mg Seroquel
125 mcg Levothyroxin
100 mg Zoloft
50 mg Hydroxizine

Thanks for listening. All of you.
Phoenix

If Seroquel is not helping with hallucinations at the very high dose of 900 mg, it is not "your" drug. You need to look for another AP that would work. Who is your p-doc? Why are you treated with such incredibly high dosages of drugs? And they are not helping you "to boot". Maybe you need to change your p-doc, but at this very point the safest route is through the hospital.

Additional food for thought: an "unsuccessful" suicide attempt (and most attempts belong in this category) can make you permanently maimed. I almost lost my left arm because in my chosen method of a suicide attempt, I left home without a cell phone and parked the car in a very distant business park on a Sunday evening, and OD'd. I was not found until 8AM in the morning when security started patrolling the parking lot. Apparently the way I fell asleep sitting in the car I pinched some nerves in my left arm or something, but at any rate, when many days later I finally woke up, I could not raise my arm at all, and felt a lot of physical pain. I was on Tramadol for pain for many months after that incident. Ultimately, I lucked out - I regained 100% function, have the full range of motion, and am pain-free. Absolutely pain-free. (I had no liver damage either). The reason I even remembered it today: I cut my left thumb when chopping vegetables... not badly, just a bit, but there was blood and it took some dexterity to manage holding a sterile gauze in place while finishing the work of chopping. Such a minor cut on the LEFT (I am right-handed) hand made this very mundane task of chopping challenging. What would I have done if my whole left arm could not function? Imagine waking up and having ALL the problems you are currently having still present AND on top of them having to deal with physical pain for the rest of your life! Better go to the hospital now - it sounds like you have insurance for the meds so you probably have some coverage for inpatient, too. Probably not a lot, but at least something. Do you?

[Clinte89]

I agree you sound like you need to go impatient, don't wait till it gets worse.

[Phoenix060912]

Everybody, thank you for your input. Hamster, I metabolize meds so fast that I need higher dosages of meds. ALL of my meds are monitored closely through bloodwork. I am well within the boundaries of the Depakote. As for the Seroquel, the pdoc realizes it is a high dose, but we are going aggressively against the hallucinations and voices. As I said, I am treatment refractory. Meds, no matter how much I try or how many combinations I try, they either work for a short time or they don't work at all.

I appreciate all of your concern and input. I spoke with my therapist today and we've worked through some issues. I have an appointment with my pdoc on Thursday. Inpatient has not been ruled out, but I'd prefer to try something else if possible.

Thank you all.

[BlueInanna]

you have it really rough Phoenix, i'm sorry, but you clearly have some fight left in you too. your avatar is awesome btw

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

you have it really rough Phoenix, i'm sorry, but you clearly have some fight left in you too. your avatar is awesome btw

his signature is awesome, too!

Phoenix, in my experience, raising the dose of Seroquel does not help. If it is not working at 700mg, it won't suddenly start working at 900mg. Been there, done that. But with the way you metabolize drugs, maybe your story would be different.