[Crazy cat lady]

Friday was a bad day for me. I was getting ready in the morning, and I just felt so overwhelmed and like I couldn't breathe. The thought of doing anything was almost too much. I was crying for no reason. I would just start and then stop after a little bit. Then I would start crying again. I had to completely shut down all my plans for that day. I ended up taking an Ativan to calm down, and I called my pdoc. I got an appointment that morning. My husband drove me there, and he actually had to be called in because I was falling asleep from the ativan. My pdoc said he wanted to stop the Geodon and start me on maybe Abilify.

I went to my normal appt scheduled for yesterday. I thought we were just going to talk about reducing the Geodon more and then adding the new med. I had realized over the weekend that my mania involves anger, not happiness. I was going to talk to him about this, since I've been experiencing a lot of anger lately and could possibly be manic. I go in, and am completely blindsided. My mother-in-law and father-in-law each called my pdoc (they are divorced) and discussed their concerns about me. They were worried about me, and how I was treating my kids. I have had problems before with getting so angry at my kids, yelling and screaming, spanking their butts. But I have been working so hard at controlling my anger towards them, especially because it is majorly affecting my 7-year-old. I've been mainly taking it out on my husband, who doesn't like it, but still takes it.

Based on how i was on Friday and their phone calls, my pdoc felt that I need to check in as an inpatient for a 3-5 day stay. The feeling I got from hearing that was about the same as the day my husband said he didn't want to be with me anymore. It's so life changing. I have work, school, the school parent club, an animal rescue group. I can't just drop everything for 5 days. I have an anatomy lab practical on Monday that I can't miss. I have my job to think about. I don't want to be away from my kids that long. But somehow, whatever he said convinced me that this would be a good thing. He said I am dysphoric manic, being angry instead of happy. Basically, I am manic while on my meds. And I need to do something about that. If I continue with treatment from home, it's going to take longer to reach the right mixure. And I really don't want to do that to my boys. My oldest is scared of me, and that's the worst thing I've ever had to write and see. My mother-in-law is scared to talk to me. I also have started having chest pains off and on since about Friday. My pdoc had wanted me to get an EKG, but thought it was for a minor thing that my husband didn't know what he was saying. And I never got around to getting it done.

So, at 5:30pm I'm headed to a hospital to do an inpatient evaluation. He said I might not have to stay, but I'm preparing for a stay. I'm hoping that this time it can be somewhat on my own terms if I'm going voluntarily. And I will be closer to home than last time. It's odd, my first time was for depression. This time, it's for mania. I'm just so worried about what's going to happen with everything else. And I'm so mad at them for going behind my back like this. Why couldn't they just talk to us first?

I understand, Crazy Cat Lady. Prayers are going up for you that you will heal quickly and be back to your gentle, loving self very shortly.

Everything can be on hold for a few days if necessary.

You have a loving support system behind you and you will see that when you get through this---and you will get through it. Life will settle down for you, your husband, and your children when you are properly medicated.

Psychiatrists sometimes are trying to find the right medication by trying different things. He will hit the thing that will work for you, I feel sure. Abilify and Lamictal are two of the newer medications, and both are excellent for people who can take them. That's really at the bottom of the problem. Is one on a medication that the system can take? Give yourself a few days to let the medical field try to select one that will work for you.

You are stronger than you know.

Take care of yourself.

Genetic

[BlueInanna]

this made me start crying again reading this, i feel for you. when my little girl, now 18, was 9 years old, my friend told me that my daughter told her i yell and get angry a lot. and that i scared her. i got so mad at my friend, but she told me she wasn't trying to judge me, just wanted to let me know what my daughter had said to her.

i wouldn't see that i was scaring my kids. my thinking was, i love them more than anything, and they know that. but that wasn't their experience. i wish i would've known i had bp back then & gotten help.

i agree, it would feel better if the in laws talked to you first. but maybe your anger is scaring everyone more than you realized, like mine was. i hope it all goes ok, and that you find help & support in the hospital, if you go. keep us posted.

[Travelinglady]

I agree with the last poster. Right now I wish I could be justified to go SOMEWHERE so my husband could get a break from me. I am feeling down and am on crutches, so can't do much for myself. At least my kids are grown and away from home.

If we take the high road, which I suggest, then we can believe your relatives did what they did out of concern. It would make me mad, too, but it would be good if you could be monitored for a few days while adjustments are made and maybe your anger can get under better control.

Do keep us posted!

[BNLsMOM]

I hope all things go well for you. I have found my hospital stays to all be beneficial. I am on a more effective treatment right now and although I have had a depressing few days, I think I am better equipped to deal with it because of my meds and the things I learned while inpatient.

I'll send good thoughts your way and hope to hear from you soon. I am sure your in-laws did what they did out of concern. It is angering, but if you think about it when you are calm, it might look more like support than meddling.

I wish you well.