...I don't know what goes on outside me...?...on my skin

I barely know what goes on inside me but I can feel it.

I watch people...I study people... other people when I get the chance and I already decide what I appear like when I'm 'the other person'

according to them ...based on what I "FEEL"....I'm an outsider worthless a loser!

and it's likely crap!...maybe crap?....better off it it is crap!

I'm as entitled to feelings as much as everyone else!....and yet I'm ashamed to show any!

...because they feel so extreme!....

so I decided to do a candid camera on myself during my evening...stressed out!....like alot of people are and so what I am anyway
(call me a psycho scientist film-maker)...it's not vanity!

....and I gotta tell ya'!.... I look so damn serious on the playback...so intense...so complicated and full of purpose shattered defiant.....and afraid and even concerned about it.....looks just exactly the same as I feel on the inside.

and this is a revelation...I thought I was hiding my problems...

but my expressions don't lie....

just like I see in others ...in the street where-ever....and I pity them.

I guess it's ok to pity myself....then I might just come help me as much as I would some other poor sucker!

I just want to know who I am....then I might cope better

[Moose72]

Well if you're concealing your true self and your emotions then you can't be your true self to others.

[Anika.]

I watched an insteresting show last night monkey, about how we humans have more bacteria cells than we do human cells, we have more bacterial dna than we have human dna on and in our bodies. So it's interesting that we see ourselves as only human. Who are we, who are you?

So Monkey, then I read something else, about our atoms, and what keeps our atoms together as a whole unit, at least how we perceive it. It was talking about how we are in the middle world, so we only can percieve, imagine or see the middle world, but there is so much more to this, what if our atoms are really actually all connected, you to me, you to them?

Of course you are entiltiled to feelings, and maybe what you percieve , you being an outsider, really isn't so at all. Not to mention what you think others see when looking at you, even on video, is really probably not what you think.

If people saw me, I think they would all have very different perceptions. Would they match the way I see myself, maybe some, but probably not many or all. It doesn't even matter, their perception of me, has no bearing on who I am. And I don't even know the answer to that question. And that's ok.

I hope you can let your feelings show, and accept them for what they are.

Originally Posted by Moose72

Well if you're concealing your true self and your emotions then you can't be your true self to others.

thats very true Moosey

Originally Posted by Anika.

I watched an insteresting show last night monkey, about how we humans have more bacteria cells than we do human cells, we have more bacterial dna than we have human dna on and in our bodies. So it's interesting that we see ourselves as only human. Who are we, who are you?

So Monkey, then I read something else, about our atoms, and what keeps our atoms together as a whole unit, at least how we perceive it. It was talking about how we are in the middle world, so we only can percieve, imagine or see the middle world, but there is so much more to this, what if our atoms are really actually all connected, you to me, you to them?

Of course you are entiltiled to feelings, and maybe what you percieve , you being an outsider, really isn't so at all. Not to mention what you think others see when looking at you, even on video, is really probably not what you think.

If people saw me, I think they would all have very different perceptions. Would they match the way I see myself, maybe some, but probably not many or all. It doesn't even matter, their perception of me, has no bearing on who I am. And I don't even know the answer to that question. And that's ok.

I hope you can let your feelings show, and accept them for what they are.

It's easy to get my attention with abstract material Anika...

atomises my personal distractions...!

thats just the thing...I don't "see" myself...I just "think" and "feel" myself.

so I wondered just how accurate this all was...because I only get a real sense of other people by how they move ...how they move their eyes their bodies their suggestions...expressions....and

likely they may not even be aware themselves.?

personal insight anyway I can get it is a valuable thing...

just want to be more comfortable in my shape..insecurity is more paralysing when I don't know who I am

[Anika.]

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

thats just the thing...I don't "see" myself...I just "think" and "feel" myself.

so I wondered just how accurate this all was...because I only get a real sense of other people by how they move ...how they move their eyes their bodies their suggestions...expressions....and

just want to be more comfortable in my shape..insecurity is more paralysing when I don't know who I am

I think we all think and feel our way, sight is less about seeing, it's just our way of manouvering through this middle world, after all our eyes just take a picture and send it to the mind to sort out. Just like all our other senses.

It's probabaly as accurate as you perceive it to be, to you, and you alone. Seriously now, ask anyone " who are you ?" , most people will reply with " ummm..." , " well... I'm..." . The more we ask ourselves who we are, the more we might admit, that we don't even really know.

Sometimes I find a lot of comfort, in simply not always knowing, and accepting that we really don't know too much.

But how can you feel comfortable in your own shape? Maybe accepting that what you think your shape is might not be reality, and what shape you are doesn't really matter, you are just how you are, maybe that might help I dunno, helps me tho.

[Anika.]

Oh, I just thought of something else too, humans are shape shifters, now that you mention the word shape. We are not even made out of the same cells we were born with. We are always shedding them, and rejuvinating new ones. Our minds are similar, they are always changing, I am always changing.

Who I am is always changing, so there really is no answer, to me. Maybe you are a human shape shifter. Not a bad thing to be.