will be back in a week

I have to finish some work, update my resume for a recruiter (sounds like fun - her client is a software development department in a large clothing company in downtown San Francisco and I have never worked up in the city, I have only worked in the Valley), then move, taking care of the cats, then give undivided attention to my friend. I will be back in a week. Hope everyone is well.

Ok, take care! See you soon.

Good luck and happy moving girl!!!

Good luck dear, and thanks for always helping out here

See you soon!

Good luck and enjoy see you soon Hammy!

Have fun, enjoy your week

Good luck Hammy! That's a really busy week, I hope it all goes smoothly for you! Ohh I miss SF so much already, best of luck Hamster. See you soon .

Have some fun Hamster

Enjoy, Hammy......we'll leave the light on for ya.

Have fun sounds like you'll be plenty busy.

I am back... logging on from work using Safari's private browsing. I have moved! And I have moved my three cats single-handedly, without a car and without asking cat rescue agency volunteers for help. Just caught each one and carried across a big apartment complex in a pet carrier, one by one. Tommy, who weighs 16 lbs, was a handful! The other two were easy.

I have boxes boxes boxes everywhere. The living room is filled with my boxes. Lots of work ahead! The small bedroom is partially filled with stuff that ex and the girls did not have time to go through, and, since they have a much much smaller apartment now (they have moved to one of the most expensive areas of the country solely for the sake of a very good public school district), he will be coming to my place to go through the boxes, moving what needs to be moved and discarding/donating the rest. Since he has a bad back, I do not see him doing this job by himself, so being realistic I do not foresee being able to use the small bedroom for a while, which is OK. It is like having storage in your own apartment, plus paying less rent to it than using Public Storage would have cost. The master bedroom is in top shape - the only place without boxes. The kitchen is in need of major cleaning and I cannot cook until I do that job. Probably this weekend. The cats are loving it though: Tommy likes to climb atop the tallest box and Maddy likes to hide amidst the boxes. A cat paradise. Well, at least someone is happy.

I did not get the job. But it is not because of some past that haunts me (Notz was right on my other thread: it was my projection that they found out about my mental health medical leaves). The real reason cannot be determined - maybe they ultimately gave an offer to a friend of some higher up. The reason they gave me was as follows: they offered the position to someone with better technical skills, even though purely as a project manager (my profession) I had the strongest interview feedback and "more than passed" their threshold. They regretted not having a second opening to offer me at this time and would keep me in mind. The hiring manager himself called to deliver what he called "the bad news". It was a nice gesture; usually, the task of delivering the bad news is delegated to the recruiter. Speaking of the recruiter: she sent me a LinkedIn invite a couple of days after they rejected me, which was a nice gesture too. The agreement is that we will have open communication in case a second position opens up. The way I was treated leads me to believe that IFF a second position opens up, I am their best candidate for it and they would be happy to hire me. But there is no guarantee, so I will soon start looking for a permanent job with benefits. I will need to make 66% more money than I am making now in order to resume paying child and spousal support, so it is going to be a pretty serious job search. But I trust that there will be an opportunity for me. And if this employer that recently rejected me comes up with a second position in the meantime, that would be my first choice since they are within a short biking distance from my apartment - their location really cannot be beat.

I try to stay positive and view this experience not as a 100% rejection but as proof that I can perform pretty darn well as an interviewee. So I try to stay confident rather than become upset.

With the guy... A partial success, I would say, and a partial failure. But that is OK, I will live through that too. So he told me once that he loves me - just loves me outright. Another time, told me that he has a lot of tender feelings towards me and on some level, love. Checkmark. Told me that although he falls in love rather easily, he was never sexually attracted to another woman as much as to me, by a wide margin. Another checkmark. But to my proposal that I visit him during my Christmas break he did not react with enthusiasm. He said that he cannot plan that far ahead and that we will be on email about it. Just before he left for the States there was some improvement in his relationship with his wife, who lives separately, and he does not know what lies ahead now; if they get back together then he will not "work on two fronts". This was not what I wanted to hear; I wanted to hear that I will always have a special place in his heart regardless of his marital status. But I understand that he wants to have something active with a living breathing woman next to him rather than brief meetings twice a year with someone who lives on another continent, even if that someone on another continent has been the love of his life for the past 25 years. And I cannot go back: I need to get my act together here, finding a job that will enable me to pay support on top of my living expenses, and eventually put my girls through college. A tall order that is, but I will manage.

So in terms of sexual attractiveness, just how horrible is it to be fat? It is not the end of the world, but it is a very bad idea. I will provide details on the respective thread.

Ex has been super helpful, picking D. up from the airport and giving us rides locally when we needed them. All of us went to an Afgani restaurant together. Prior to the Afgani restaurant D. and I went to SF where he bought a present for his wife - a red puffy vest from Abercrombie. The vest was my choice: I love puffy vests and I had bought quite a few of them for my kids when they were younger. I wanted my older daughter to approve of the gift, as she is the family's expert on stylish clothing. She approved but then she quietly asked me why the guy is buying a $150 present for a woman he is about to divorce. Ex (who thinks of D purely as a friend of mine) was equally curious: he thought that it was for a daughter. I explained that the guy does not have children. Ex (who has 4 children: 2 adults in Europe and 2 daughters with me) wondered why. I said nothing; I did not say that one of the main reasons D. does not have children is me: when it was time for him to have children, he had unrequited love for me and wanted to have children with me, but I was always interested in other things, be it going to live in America or other men. So I just said that I would find out why he is buying presents for his soon-to-be-ex-wife and let them know. And I did find out: he does not know what is going to happen, he is not ready for a divorce and neither is his wife, and as long as she is officially his wife, he cannot come home from a trip empty-handed. I have not yet had an opportunity to relate all that to my older daughter; I am just thinking about how confused she would have been had she found out that on top of this weird r/s with his wife he has an ongoing r/s with me. Utterly confused. In the meantime, D. found her very beautiful from head to toe (she is a lucky girl in that respect - she has everything going for her, knock on wood) and said that soon she will be torturing her victims with her beauty. The thing is, she is only two years younger than I was when D. met me - that is why he said so. I hesitated to respond. I thought of saying: "Her father's mission is to raise her in such a way that she would not find satisfaction in torturing her victims with her beauty" but somehow... just said nothing.

The biggest thing... yesterday night I fell asleep next to him without amitriptyline. We did not have sex: we were too tired after a long day and only had a couple of hours available for sleep before his flight to San Diego. By myself, I cannot fall asleep without a drug. I tried; I know I cannot. It was amazing. Apparently, it is not orgasms that induce sleep, not even sex per se. It is... don't even know how to call it. Intimacy, perhaps. And, in the same vein, French kissing suspends my migraine attacks completely. Have to keep at it though: if I stop, the migraine comes back. So we would have patented this method of aborting migraines but since it does not involve a pharmaceutical discovery, I am distributing it freely to all those in need.

Speaking of pharmaceuticals, he brought me two "mild" APs, one Finnish and one Danish, to keep in my stash for just in case. The Danish one: in case my triggerless anxiety attacks come back. The Finnish one: if Amitriptyline stops working for sleep. Both to be used in very small doses. In large doses they act as APs, but in small doses they are used for anxiety and sleep, respectively. I do not remember their names (I am writing from work).

He told me that he never treats suicidal depression with Prozac or Zoloft the way I was treated in the spring, because Prozac is not a strong AD and it can activate a patient before providing AD relief, which puts the patient at risk of using this newly activated energy for suicide. What can I say: I am glad he is not my doctor, because I was totally happy with the way Prozac worked for me and I am very grateful to my former p-doc for prescribing it. A small dose made a world of difference.

That's my report. Hope everyone is well, I have missed you even though I have been very busy with stuff. I will log on as soon as I have internet at home.

Welcome back! You sound good.

Thank you, I am quite all right. I try to stay very positive.

Welcome back. Glad your back and it sounds like you got it going on. Congrats on the success. Even though some of the things aren't 100% sometimes that happens for a reason

welcome back! quite the saga! sorry about the job - i am sure another good one will come your way, you're a talented lady

I'm so glad your back. I'm sorry about the job and things being up in the air with your Christmas vacation. You sound really excited about your apartment and a lot less tense.

I'm glad to read the positive update, Hamster. Since it seems that your skills are stellar, I am sure that you will get the job you are seeking soon. I, too, panicked about my mental health past behaviors when hoping to be hired for my current job-especially since one of my episodes took place in the same county at a school nearby, but fortunately it didn't hurt me this time, so it is possible to avoid the discrimination in some cases.
You gave such a beautiful report about the time spent with your friend. I agree that sex alone isn't a requirement for good sleep. Contentment goes a long way.
A new apartment, catching up with an old friend, job possibilities; your life is moving in a positive direction Hamster!
Bluemountains

Welcome back glad you're well!

Sent from my Kindle Fire using Tapatalk 2

Just wanted to comment that Hammies don't look good with anorexia....lol.

Interesting you were talking about being on Prozac.....when I was on that & then wellbutrin, I ended up with the worst case of anorexia that I could have ever had....it was after loosing my career.....california aerospace went down the tubes & the SEPG just wasn't my thing....know that stress was the starting point.....but everyone was shocked at how much weight I lost on the Prozac....so much that my pdoc landed me in an Eating Disorders treatment center in serious condition...but I can also relate to the suicidal effects of it.......guess you had better luck with Prozac than I did.

Glad to hear you are settled....... glad I don't have to come up with that kind of support in my divorce....we will be lucky to have anything to divide in the end.......but the middle of KY on my 10 acre farm with my 5 dogs & hopefully my horse soon.....I couldn't be happier 2100 miles away from the headache I put up with for 33 years.....but there are definitely times when I do miss having the career.....but have accepted where I am after many years of feeling trapped in my marriage without having the career to escape to.

Hope everything works out for you....it's always nice to feel wanted by companies even if it's for a second opening if one comes up. It was nice when it lasted in the aerospace industry in So Cal, when you would get an offer for the position before even leaving the interview.....those times are definitely gone with this economy & the competition in technology has become so much greater.....hope you do find something more permanent soon.

I am almost decided about the Christmas vacation so I probably will go regardless. I do not have to stay with him - I have my bff and favorite former teacher over there. I have written to them; the former teacher replied that she would be delighted to see me. Waiting now for bff to reply. I do not know what else to do - staying home will be boring and traveling solo is not my cup of tea plus I do not have that kind of money to spend. So I think I will go. I absolutely detest transatlantic travel and I have a hard time with jetlag, but it is the only option I see for myself. So I hope bff gets excited about my plans. Bff has two kids, another close gf has twins, former teacher has a little granddaughter - I will enjoy shopping hanna andersson for gifts...

How are you going to fit in Christmas with your children along with all of these plans, Hamster?

They will probably go with their dad, too, because his 86 year old mother, just home from the hospital, would like to see them. They need to take care of their American passports first though - they have not travelled abroad for a couple of years and their passports have expired. If they do go, we will probably do a couple of things together over there.

Bff did get excited about my plans. And both she and the former teacher tell me not to spend money on the presents, which is actually very nice of them because, having debts, I should not really be spending money on presents, much as I love shopping for cute bright-colored clothing.

That sounds like it will be a happy trip for you Hamster

I remember Hannah Anderssons, very cute clothes! I'm looking at it online, I remember it being so much more expensive when I was in there, but I don't remember if I bought anything.

But here look at this, it's called 'cozy Nordic dress' so sweet, how cute I could cry:



These clothes are adorable, I so miss when they were babies! Getting some satisfaction here from pretend shopping lol.

What a cute dress! "Pretend shopping" - I like this term. I should do that, too.