[canacrip]

Went to my mother's this weekend with my wife. It was a good trip, but the wrong time, or something. Late last week I started getting those thoughts back in my head that there is nothing worth sticking around for. I tried to check out recently. I failed and in the process hurt people I love. The shame, sadness and self-loathing won't go away. They never have and that just added to it.

I need quiet. I don't want to be alone, but I need quiet. I told my wife that I am tired of the topic of what happened a little over a month ago (suicde attempt). I'm just tired of the whole thing. I'm tired of thinking about it. I'm tired of feeling it. So, she asks me questions about details!!! Then when I say I can't talk about it right now she turns the stereo back on while I try to explain to her that I am not shutting her out, I just can't focus on that right now, but we can talk about something more pleasant. She shuts me out. Then she tells me that my recollection of events that just happened are wrong. I am bipolar. I don't f'n know. I'm crazy. She could be right. I don't know what is real anymore. For all I know, I am watching television on Jupiter right now. I don't know what's real.

I used to be strong. I used to be sure of myself. I used to know my own mind and trust it. This is the crap that makes me not want to be here. I am physically disabled and I don't know what's real anymore. It's like a bad acid trip that will never end. I am in Hell and I can't see the exit. I am scared. It's like, when I need for things to be quiet, they get louder. If I need a hug, I am pushed away. If I need I patience I get anger. If I need reassurance I get discouragement and I am just beyond tired. This really is all there is and I want no part of it anymore.

I am scared because it is the disease. I can't fix this and I am so damned tired of things I can't do and things I can't fix. I'm sick of life always saying "NO!". I'm sick of what can't be done. I hope tomorrow feels better. I need hope. I need to wake up to something more than this. This is just exhausting. I miss who I used to be. I hate what I have become. I don't want to be alive anymore but I can't fix that either. I feel like my head is going to catch fire. I'll shut up now. There's nothing more to say.

Canacrip, it sounds to me as if you and your wife need to go in to talk to a psychiatrist about what you're feeling, how your wife is about to drive you up the walls with incessant questioning (she needs to be on a tranquillizer for this, in my view) and you need to talk to one about your depression (which is partly situational).

Whether you go together or whether each of you decides to see a specialist separately is a choice that you and she need to talk about. Then go for help.
There is so much that can be done to help both of you.

You will feel like different people after several sessions of therapy and, most of all, the irritations that get to you will stop, and she will become more aware of her own needs and care for herself.

Please do that; you won't regret it.

I'm sorry you have the physical disability; that's an inconvenience, but you may be able to find improvement in your tolerance of it and work through the pain of being encumbered by it somewhat.

It can be something as simple as having time away from each other during the week.

She needs to develop an interest of her own in a hobby or volunteer work of some type at a hospital, possibly, and you need to find things in your life that you can do and share with others who have disabilities and learn from them how they functon. If not that, you need a hobby that you can manage at home and find satisfaction in.

Don't settle for less than a good marriage. It can be achieved with work by both your and her efforts.

You're both special people who deserve to have a content life together.

Take care and keep us posted.

Genetic

[canacrip]

Thank you. She is wonderful and our marriage really is worth it. Thank you for the encouragement and advice, which I will take seriously.

[Passion222]

I've been in your frame if mind and its def important you get a psychiatrist and Therapist to help you work this out. Counseling together and learning how to deal with yourself and your wife needing to understand you. My husband had to talk to my T to get a lowdown on this disease. It's a long frustrating road but sending you lots of hugs and more hugs. We are all here to vent on and support you. You're not alone. You can do this. One more hug!!!!!