[Anika.]

I want to curl up in a blanket, watch some old reruns of my favorite shows, drink something warming, snuggle with a kitty or puppy, eat something yummy, and just chilllll.

Never happens tho, got this and that to do, always moving, walking around doing stuff, miss my puppy, feel like there is no where to curl up in my house, bright lights, noise, busy.

I feel like I have ADD most of the time, I do know that I have an attention problem. I have a sitting still problem, I have a making time problem ( biggest one probably ). And the chair in my room sucks. When I am on PC I am usually doing chores and stuff, I feel like I am always multi tasking. I can be still in meditation, I can move my body in yoga and still the mind. But I can't find time to just chill, maybe I am only good at chilling when I have a distinct goal.



I really miss my puppy Chin Sui, he always made me make time.

[~Christina]

Anika
I'm sorry your feeling this way
I'm really at a loss for words or making a sentance right now..
Just know I ya and sending you more 's than you can count.

I'm gonna focus on one word here Anika...

the second one!

"want"

you have it all planned out...the way to make the 'want' become a "feel"

yeah I get the drifting the inability the chronic disturbance...cos thats what it is.

I don't know how to do it either....seems to me to be a 'sudden' thing!

like a response to stress...but please don't force stress upon yourself!

there is one thing though Anika.

we don't have to hurt to need healing!

we can be healed anyway cos everyday has some pain or more....

we can close our eyes and life will light speed beyond our ability to capture just the same as if our eyes are open.

it still lets us watch.

[Trippin2.0]

I agree with James. Wanting is a step in the right direction. This perpetual busyness cannot be good. I think 'chilling' should be 1 of your goals... Sending you lots of love and s across the ocean my friend. I pray you get the reprieve you need ps. GORGEOUS PIC

[Anika.]

I think that is why I used to drink all the time, and use drugs, to stop the perpetual movement of my body and mind. I dont think it's a bipolar thing, seems different than mania, because of it's forever presence.

I have a bottle of vodka in my cupboard, I was just looking at it and thinking. I'm in no danger of abusing substances again. It's been there for three years. But I did just think about mixing it with something, god knows what cause all there is in this house is water, almond milk and tea. None of which sound too appealing.

I wonder sometimes if I have made such strick rules for myself that I have a hard time letting go... Fear maybe.

[BlueInanna]

what an adorable puppy, i'm sorry you lost him honey sweet anika

my daughter did a report on that type of dog when she was 10, she had an obsession big time. makes me want one that looks just like your puppy, i want one who just chills on his back so content like that. really really freakin cute puppy!!

you know animals really do calm people down. research, good and kind type, has shown that petting a cat or dog calms people in mental health places. like people who don't talk or barely communicate will be able to miraculously sit calmly and content petting an animal

[Anika.]

I know, it makes me very sad, I did not want to part with him, I am not allowed to cats or dogs here. But I needed this housing as it it low income. He was a really good dog, and pugs are such great company, so many anticks.

My daughter has a hamster but it's soo hyper all the time. I get a lot of deer in my yard but can't really pet them either.

I think I am just emotional lately, I have been crying at commercials, and feeling very sentimental. Not bad tears either, just overwhelmed with feeling empathy I dunno.

And ya the not being able to chill out thing, I am not even working yet, feeling like I should enjoy my last days of freedom with some chill time. But I always find myself busy, and when I am not busy I make busy happen. I don't even sit to eat.

Hah I saw these awesome round huge chairs, I want one so bad but they are like $1000, today I saw these huge pillowy dog beds and I thought that'll do...that'll do.

... or...

Yeah maybe a dog bed isn't a good idea, like where does your head go??

[BlueInanna]

no... hamsters arent exactly calming, more like just fun to watch while they do their thing in their little world.

i get the emotional crying thing too sometimes, like sentimental about things, thoughts, crying a lot at times. and last time it happened wasn't long ago, a couple weeks maybe, i was trying to figure out what is this? like is it depression, no not really. is it hypo/mania, no not really. i don't know what it is.

but if you buy the thousand dollar chair, i might yell "hypo" on you lol.

there was a cool store with giant bean bags chairs, i'd love to get some of those, they're probably expensive too.

[Anika.]

Bean bag chairs are pretty expensive considering what they are made of.

Yeah I dunno what that is either, It's an ok feeling I don't mind it. Makes me feel alive. Maybe it's a women thing, I mean I have never seen a man behave that way ever... maybe they do it in private? I listened to a show last night about a women talking about power poses and business and feeling like an imposter and I was bawling. Granted I know the imposter feeling well, but still a bit over dramatic.

Well it's 11 pm and I still am not following through, I am doing laundry, and washing my floors, making lunches, and then... should be bed time. Tomorrow? haha we already talked about that never coming.

Well I will not buy a $1000 dollar chair, at least until I learn to sit, because that would be a real expensive large piece of decorative art. Maybe a reward for learning how to sit? And I after I pull a bank job. Prolly can't have that chair in my cell tho.

You doing ok Blue?

[BlueInanna]

i want that round red chair. and yes could very well be a female thing, you have been even having the baby-lust lately i certainly love babies but those days are over for me. my daughter is 18 and we've already had a close call... i could be a granny anytime really :/

i'm ok, ty for asking i've not drank alcohol, caffeine (oops i did have some choccy - i forgot that has caffeine lol), not smoked in 2 days now. i'm doing the fresh lemon in ice water and already notice increase in energy and zero headaches. it's pretty amazing and fast results, i'm pleased! but it's so weird you know, just talking about smoking made me think about hmmm that would be nice to have a smoke.

the weekend was bad, my mom left my place, my son relapsed on drugs again stole my car high on acid, returned it luckily, he brought home some 21 yr old kid that i had to drive home way out of our town. it was lame. but i have all car keys and sleeping on them, and i'm ok now.

i can't believe i don't have a headache today, it's been ages. i've been taking benadryl, advil, sudafed trying for relief every morning and night... i swear it's the lemons, and cutting out caffeine drinks.

A place *to* kick back would be a help, but you're right, it's the making time part that really makes it happen. I hope you can figure out how to sneak some in.
Beware the beastie Should that it not steal your time.

That is the cutest pic!!!

I'd be shouting "hypo" on the chair too.

[Anika.]

Wow blue that's a busy weekend, I know you were having a hard time with your mom leaving. I hope your keys stay put.

My mom is coming on friday, wanna trade..... you seemed to really enjoy yours, no you've had enough lately. I am having my family for thanksgiving, It's ok but more work work work you know. Have to cook a turkey and that's a feat, just getting the neck and guts and stuffff...... ewwwww. Only take me a few hours to work up the courage to reach inside.

The no smoking, no coffee, no alcohol, pretty impressive stuff! I got to try the lemon water sounds like a good deal. I wonder how it would be hot too. Well I am gonna try it tomorrow, maybe I can cut the smoking down. You know, the smoke probably would not taste as good as much as it tempts.

I saw that red chair in turquoise here $1200 it's awesome tho.

Hey IZ, hehe beastie should, or should not steal my time! Hope you are doing okay, miss you!

Ya he is a cute dog, He loved to dress up in clothes, and I already know that some people cough *blue* cough think that maybe it's in my head and I might need help , but he really liked to show off. except for the boots.

[BlueInanna]

ooh turquoise !! gotta have one of each

wow your mom coming, maybe this is affecting you emotionally. my mom is awesome in most ways, except she doesn't fold the laundry right lol, i'm going to have to re-fold everything in the linens closet... or just leave it. yes this is nuts of me. i cannot organize worth a **** but i get irritated at the clutter and when things aren't perfectly how i want them. i need to let go of that.

yea do try the lemon water, i'm impressed. i would assume it works hot too, the smell alone is lovely. i am going to try to sleep now naturally, without meds, so i might be back soon if it doesnt work. good night