[Nessa213]

I kind of had a bad day today. Not for any particular reason. Just... that kind of day. So instead of continuing to play the razor blade I have sitting next to my bed, I thought posting on here was probably significantly less destructive.

I'm a bad person. I've done very bad things. I've said too much to friends and feel that I'm nothing but a bother to them. I talk too much about things... over and over and over and over again and I find myself unable to stop it. But when I AM able to stop it, I feel ignored. Like no one really cared to begin with. I struggle with being a pain to everyone I know, but wanting to vent at the exact same time.

It was that kind of day where I feel people are out to get me. Where I see the looks on their faces, that mix of pity and fear and I hate them for it. I'm not a charity case. And I'm sorry that I don't fit your perfect definition of "normal". And yes, I'm sorry that I get paranoid about everything. EVERY****ingTHING. And I'm further sorry that it's getting worse. I know it's getting worse but I have to pretend like it's not. I can't take any more looks. I can't take any more pity... or fear.

No... I have nothing to be so upset about. There's no reason behind crying. There's no reason behind playing with razor blades. This makes it worse. So very much worse.

It's triggered by one word answers. By trying to be nice, by putting myself out there, hoping to all the things holy that if I can at least hear SOME shred of good news from a friend then it will all be ok.

But it's not. I find no solace, and in fact talking with friends makes it worse. Meaningless replies, one word heartless answers that show how little they actually care.

I'm a bother to everyone and have destroyed everything I care about it. In trying to fix things I end up making things worse. It's a terribly vicious cycle that will never have an end, will it?

[ultramar]

When we're in a bad place, it's natural to think others are always thinking badly about you. But please try to keep in mind that we can't mind-read, that your interpretation of what others think and feel towards you may well be colored by how you're feeling about yourself right now. I think it's a good rule of thumb to check in with people about how they feel -when you're in a place to be able to do that.

I'd hate to see you end up isolating yourself -which would make things worse- by coming to these conclusions about those around you.

I'm not saying *no one* judges you harshly, but maybe not everyone. Maybe some people care more than you think, but it just doesn't feel like enough right now. Hang in there.

[Nessa213]

Thanks ultramar

I might regret it tomorrow, but I made myself a drink. First time drinking in a month... and I have to say... it's delicious.

[Confusedinomicon]

Ultra is right. I have asked people if they were mad at me if I started to precieve them disliking me.

Usually I misinterpreted something.

[Warrioress]

Well, ultramar has already pointed out all the helpful things I could (or couldn't) have come up with. It's true. When you're feeling bad about yourself you feel bad about others as well, because you're so sure that you're a bother to them and they don't care about you and all the rest of that unpleasantness. Your feelings aren't perfectly accurate all the time. In fact, I think our minds tend to lie to us quite often, tricking us into mistrustfulness and loneliness and self loathing in a twisted way. I suggest you show it the finger and refuse to believe those feelings, although that's much easier said than done

[wildflowerchild25]

Just a hug for you until I can get to my computer for a longer reply. I understand <3

[notALICE]

I've SI. Mostly when drinking & feel supremely worthless. Last time was 7/8 years ago. Recently had the urge again, without a drink & it scared me. SI gave me a sense of relief (as did alcohol) as well as a form of self punishment .

I just got my meds adjusted with Pdoc. I don't want to SI, play with razor blades or knives. I don't want to get back to the feeling of being worthless.

I always think ultramar has a lot of wisdom to share. I'd suggest going to Pdoc too.