[faerie_moon_x]

So tonight is Friday, the night my husband gets drunk with his online friends and plays video games all night. They do it every week.

I am resentful of this because I work 40 hours a week and I feel like if anyone should be kicking back and winding down with friends it should be me. Instead every Friday I'm taking care of the kids.... My husband doesn't work, and currently my mother-in-law watches the baby all day. Me and my husband have been fighting about this problem a lot and over many months.

So tonight I took the baby to lay down at 9 p.m. I then lay there for 6 hours in the dark while my husband was off in another room having fun. I didn't get up because we co-sleep and I don't wand to leave the baby alone. I got very angry and full of racing thoughts. I think it was worse than normal because I've not had a very good week at all. We were already fighting most of the week, but I'm just feeling completely unimportant and after things that were said, even though we're not fighting now. But also feel if I try to communicate it, then he will just not listen and start another fight. When he came to bed he asked me why I was still awake. I just said "because it's Friday." He went to sleep, but I got up and went to his stream (he live streams these games on the internet.) His friend was using his stream.

So in a complete rage impulse, I logged in as someone no one would recognize and started talking about how I worked 21 hours today and wish I could have fun on a Friday night. I think his friend realized it was me at last and banned me from the channel.

So now I'm feeling guilty. I shouldn't have done that. I guess I was thinking if his friend realized that someone who works all the time doesn't get the same privileges as my husband, he would relate. (His friend works full time.)

I know what I did was wrong. I don't know if his friend will tell my husband or not. I'm guessing he will and we'll have a huge fight (again.) But I just had to share it with anyone who might just understand these type of impulses.

I started my lithium today, maybe that will help this?

This impulse was a normal human impulse i believe. You, on some level, and rightfully so, got a little jealous that he gets to stay at home all day and have fun while you work and take care of your baby. I don't think you did anything wrong, and the friend can't prove that it was you, so if you don't want to tell him, or volunteer the info, you don't have to.

I do understand the impulses and the acting on them, but I still think that what you did was a completely understandable and normal thing for a lady to do! I could totally see my wife doing this, under these curcumstances.

[faerie_moon_x]

Thanks.

He could prove it if he tells the screen name. Although no one else knows it, my husband would probably recognize it. Maybe.

I just feel... like I can't find forgiveness for things that have happened. I keep trying. But in my heart of hearts I feel betrayed and alone. I think that's where all of this comes from. I'm thinking it's also the heart of my rage.

[shewheel]

I feel for you.

I know what it's like to feel betrayed and alone within a marriage with the responsibility that comes with raising a child, children.

I acted impulsively out of anger as well. Then the rage would become guilt and turn inwardly, but beating myself up had no impact on the rage or the fact that my daily struggles were not acknowledged. My ex had other means of 'running away' from what was going on but it amounts to the same thing...the feeling of betrayal and yes, some jealousy that he was able to break away and I couldn't. Or rather wouldn't because I knew what my responsibilities were.

Looking back, I can understand some of what my ex was going through, but ignoring my feelings only perpetuated and amplified the anger.

I don't know that I have anything to offer on how to work on things with your husband, but I do understand your feelings and your actions. Please don't beat yourself up.

I think your anger is justified along with the frustration of trying to communicate your feelings and not being heard.

So sorry, Dark Heart, that this is happening to you. He needs a good talking to by a
psychiatrist. I hope you're able to get him in to see one. In the meantime, take good care of youself, please.

[shewheel]

Originally Posted by genetic

So sorry, Dark Heart, that this is happening to you. He needs a good talking to by a
psychiatrist. I hope you're able to get him in to see one. In the meantime, take good care of youself, please.

You're right. Or at least couple's therapy. It did not work for my relationship, but may have if we had started before things got so bad.

Marriage counseling did allow us a setting in which to be honest, be heard. It did lead to both of us seeing a psychiatrist individually.

Is this something you can do, dhx?

Again, don't beat yourself up about this one.

[hamster-bamster]

Please do not blame yourself - it was a small thing that you did, given what you have to go through every single Friday. But yes, that aside, Lithium helps with impulses.

[BlueInanna]

Try not to feel guilty DH. You're his wife, if he figures out it's you, hopefully he'll learn a good lesson. When is it time for you guys to have a date or alone time or anything to give you the attention you and your relationship needs?

[faerie_moon_x]

Thanks everyone.

Everything worked out okay today.

Husband won't go to any type of therapy. He doesn't believe in it at all. I've tried. I know we have some big issues that neither of us handle very well, so I think it will help. I keep bringing it up, but he always says no.

We don't get much alone time, either. It sucks. We don't have a date night or anything. Sometimes when I get a bonus at work we'll go have a night out. That's like a once a year thing, though. We spend time together but surrounded by kids and internet and t.v. We used to be closer, it's just since the bad thing happened last year that things are the way they are now. We're slowly getting back there, but I'm horrendously damaged by it and trying to figure out how to heal. It's hard.

[~Christina]

I am so sorry your going through all this. You have been through so damn much! I hope you get a break soon