[~Christina]

I don't know what to call this other than "indifference"

Im not happy or sad, mad or glad. My husband talks, about anything and I mentally just drift off. I have over 50 unanswered texts on my phone and an unknown amount of emails. I don't feel bad for not responding.

I know I will be advised to "call my Pdoc for a med change or a tweak".. Bleh !!! I don't feel like everything needs a medication adjustment. I don't think I am the only person Bipolar or not that has felt "indifferent"

It's really not a bad way to feel to be honest. Maybe more people feel this way and can't/won't admit it ?

Anyway that's how I feel and I'm okay with it... Indifference is an okay thing.

[bluemountains]

Oh, Christina, I can so relate! Even when I'm good with my drugs, like now, I feel like when is it going to change? I feel like a car that needs to have tires rotated, oil changed, etc. I'm just one bp engine that goes from dr. to pdoc. to t over and over again.

Yep, I'm definitely with you on the indifference-it's all one predictable cycle!

Meanwhile, though, Christina, I really want some good stuff to come your way!!! Go ahead and delete the text messages, etc. and get them out of your way.

Bluemountains

[BipolaRNurse]

I'm right there with ya, hon. I guess this is technically depression, but what I really am is indifferent. Except for my new kitten, there's not much to be excited about......not even Christmas, which I've always loved. Didn't even care if the decorations got put up, or anything. I'm just not feeling it this year, which is the first time in my entire life that I've been unable to get into the holiday spirit. I hope that changes before too long, but it's not looking good right now.

Frankly, I think it's because basically, this entire year has SUCKED. Money's been tight all year, too many things have gone wrong with the car and the appliances, and my freaking doctor/medication bills are astronomical. My sister keeps landing in the hospital, and I have to take care of her because I love her and there is no one else to do it. My job is majorly stressful, even though I love it most of the time, and I'm always exhausted from these 50-hour weeks. I've got a son who's an unemployed, alcoholic, bipolar Iraq War veteran living on my couch. I have a daughter who's leaving this weekend for a year in Afghanistan as a civilian contractor (air traffic controller). Two of my cats have died this year. My husband isn't in the best of health, nor am I---I gained over 30 lbs on medications and my diabetes went out of control, plus I've had circulatory problems and of course, I was diagnosed with BP in February.

I've never been so happy to see a year end.....this one has been a nightmare that I just can't seem to wake up from.

[~Christina]

Thanks Blue !!! I really haven't thought about my moods in months, I use to over analyze every moment of every day.. I guess my T has helped me stop that obsessive thought process.

I deleted the texts and the emails .. thanks

[roads]

About 15 years ago a woman moved into our condo complex. She was a single mom, & her son had finished college with honors--got his first job with post office. She'd sold the house because she said he needed to live on his own. She wanted to, as well. We shared a first name and had so much in common ... until one time the son came home wanting money. Big fight! When I saw her a couple of days later I didn't know her.

Turns out she was bipolar & her son--angry because she wouldn't hand out money--had taken her medication. She was fully manic, had let everything including diabetic meds go, was out-of-control and in trouble. She attacked me, claimed to be someone I'd never heard of ... fortunately I founds clues in her condo.

She still lives here but has a public guardian. The son's in prison for trying to steal everything. The woman doesn't know me, is medicated.

i don't want that!! but it would be so nice to not have to be in charge of everything. I get so tired of being the adult. I've been through this with so many ... And now to have to do it for me? Oh, (((((((Christina))))))).

NotFairNotFairNotFairNotFairNotFairNotFair! ! Where's my vet? Why can't I just say to him someday ... doc, the pain is too much, i have no appetite, the deadlines are too many, it's time for your bag ...

[~Christina]

Hey Nurse
I am sorry! You really have been through HELL this year. I remember when you first popped up here on PC ... You were having such a rough time with BP, meds and your job.. I know its rough as hell but YOU have come so far and to deal with so many things that could have "broke you" ... YOU are doing amazing.. really you are!

Yeah I don't like this time of year...

[~Christina]

Roadie , I am so sorry for your friend. I can't imagine going through that. I can see how things can just snowball into hell so quickly. I most certainly hope I don't ever wind up like that...

Yeah being an adult sucks big time .... a lot of the time.

Hugs right back to you

I guess you and I will just have to keep muddling through this mess hu?

[Trippin2.0]

Indifference isn't always bad, sometimes I wish I could just hit a switch to activate it... Anyway, you're a big girly, you'll know when and if its time to speak up to your pdoc

[Anika.]

I go through indifference too Christina. for me I think it's depression.. just another way to come out for me. I can sit with it, but I don't want to keep it around too long. I don't think it is so terrible if it is only for a while. If I had to stay there for months and months or years... I could not do it. When it is only here for a time.. it's ok.

I am happy that you are ok with it. That really is the bigger thing in the picture. How you are with what is. That is pretty cool!! I feel good about you feeling ok... I love it when you are ok!!

[~Christina]

Thanks Trippin ! Indifferent is an okay place to be, I am okay with it. I really don't mind it. It's not a "mood" that needs to be "treated." Same as my B1tchiness at times is an okay way to be also

[~Christina]

Anika ! I am really okay.. This doesn't feel like a bad thing ! It honestly feels like I am just blocking out the yuck stuff and moving along in a quiet kind of way.. Quiet is a good thing for me.

[PiperLeigh]

I feel this way a lot. Is it weird that I've come to crave that feeling? I guess it's that point where I can just ignore everything and not care and not caring about what anyone else thinks is nice. (I'm a people pleaser and have OCD that manifest heavily with obsessive compulsive thoughts. Indifference is a relief, I guess.) Anyway. I think you are very self-aware. I think this is a way of coping for you. Sometimes a little quietness is a good thing for a while.

[~Christina]

Piper

I think you nailed it ! Thank you. Usually my mind is going a billion miles an hour. Yes quietness is a good thing.

[~Christina]

Alright .. I actually slept well, thanks to a few additional meds, but anyway, I slept good! I still feel the whole big indifferent thing .. I have realized its directed towards my husband and a so called friend.. So I still care here on PC and all my friends here! Just my real life is the issue/ mess.

Im happy I figured it out at least.. go me

[BlueInanna]

Yeah go you! I have major indifference lately, and just realized from what you just said, that it is only directed towards certain people in my life. Draining people, or people I don't want to deal with like my boyfriend and my sister and a certain problem friend. I don't actually feel indifferent towards my kids or my mom. I am also ignoring work which is a problem because we won't eat if I let it continue in that area, bleh.... :/

I reckon it's ok too Christina ...heaps ok

...could say alot about it but that likely would take away the whole point of being indifferent

[~Christina]

LOL James ! yep. uh hu

[Anika.]

When I am indifferent towards well mostly everything, it's not even that I don't care. I do care but the feelings are so muted compared to normal. That and when I am indifferent I am also usually lacking energy to feel them let alone do much of anything at all, which would require interest.. and feeling..which requires energy. Neat little circle I get in.

Good for you for knowing where it is coming from. heh...you are happy about that.. not indifferent to it... well that IS cool.

[BipolaRNurse]

You folks have really nailed it! Like some, I don't feel this depression/indifference is necessarily something that needs to be medicated.......it's just a quiet time, a time for reflection and maybe even some isolation, so I can metaphorically lick the wounds this year has inflicted and return to a stronger position in time. I wish it didn't have to happen at Christmastime, but it is what it is, and fighting it doesn't make it any better. Everything is magnified at this time of the year anyway......emotions are closer to the surface and the line between OK and not OK becomes very thin.

This, too, shall pass. That's the upside to bipolar---nothing lasts forever, not even the bad times.