Gawd, sO stressed!

heh I changed it to atoms to be more accurate.. but it's a weird thought. Glad you liked it.. she has a lot of good stuff. I better go to sleep gotta work in 4 hours...

Hope you have a better day!

Sleep tight Anika

hate it when you are upsetful Lia...

...no fair for you

Hate it too James, but like Anika said, its not permanent. So I just have to suck it up, put on my big girl panties, and go to work tomorrow. Something's gotta give, sooner or later...

the way I see it?...

you took a stand for the times when that 'something' just aint giving at all and just sucking you up!...

...seems to me you had your big girl panties on the whole time ...just life becomes a BIG pain in the even bigger BUM...! ...the one that it brings all by it's crappy self

You're probly right hey, best I get fitted for even bigger big girl panties, so I can face tomorrow think this mini-break has done me good, even just a little counts...

..I'm both not surprised and pleased you did it....kinda seen it comin'..not that I'm Mr fantastic eyeballs!...just....could tell Lia was missing out....

and you do have magical powers!....but you aint supergirl though very close...that would be scary!

why do we expect so much from ourselves?...



...it's right to float for a bit..

Idk how to float... Would love to learn tho. Only know about sink or swim, dive right in, get thrown in the deep end and charge straight ahead... Not the floating thingy, it looks so easygoing... Idk why we do this to ourselves, I honestly dont have a clue Jamesy

we feel like we owe the world Lia...those around us the life that was given to us we feel like we owe that too...

so absurd but so believable!...and this has developed incredible abilities and it's possible this has caused an overdeveloped sense of responsibility!

we think overtime... we learned everything from drowning all the time...always on the maximum alert. We learn everything overtime drowning all the time...we learnt to be on maximum alert anytime because we kinda see all the threats!...damn things...

...and if maybe we aint' doin' stuff?...about it?....then the self esteem and respect many abuse and take for granted?...then we believe we don't deserve any!...none at all sometimes....we punish ourselves

...cos we know whats the right thing to do pretty much everytime, but cos we been drowning emotionally in our minds for so long...we are always trying to make up for mistakes only we believe we are making.

...

meanwhile?....you are so tiny....and beautiful in the universe.

....by the way...it's ok to say.."hey I don't even get any of that!....and I don't reckon I even want to try!.....cos it's too hard to think anyway"...it's ok to do that....whenever
..and maybe thats the secret to floating?....thats what I do, got no choice but to say..."ummm I really don't know anything...though I trust I will when I need too?...don't even know that"...

I gotta give that a try honestly I do... Thanks Jamesy

cool, anytime Lia....

Didn't realize how badly this whole situation has triggered me until now. Sounds stupid hey? I have 1 definite trigger, which is feeling trapped, so you'd think I'd do the math, but no, it takes me 2 weeks to figure it out
Every fibre of my being is screaming 'NO' dont go back to work, 'DON'T' carry all this crap anymore, but I have to, I dont have a choice, and the trigger's pulled again... What a vicious cycle, I'm aggro ALL the time, its unrelenting, its draining...What am I supposed to do...

So tightly wound, my shoulder muscles ache... Hot bubble bath didn't leave any lasting effects... It feels like I might snap, wether the snapping will be physically, emotionally or mentally, I am unable to say... Took one of those pills the dr gave to help me relax, it didn't help at all... Feel like a rubber band being stretched to its limit, I would SO smoke a joint right now if I could, even tho I haven't touched the stuff in years...

Sunday 3pm, all I've done was avoid today, haven't done anything except have a light meal and take my pills... Thinking about tomorrow equals instant anxiety... My hair is a mess, washed it lastnight and just left it, so now I look like Tina Turner... Maybe I should fix it, maybe that will make me feel better about tomorrow? Ugh, who am I kidding, certainly not myself...

...your hair is gorgeous Lia

I'm here to chat with you if you like to

thanks Jamesy Idk what I'm supposed to do... Fixed my hair, no change yet, even repeated 'I want to go back to work' over and over, but I'm not buying it... Need a kick in the butt, except here's no foot nearby...

there must be this 'lost' feeling this anguish gettin' around lately....and the urge to demolish the outside world is too intense...
testing you...testing me!

things are building up and whats the point?...how come things go building up?....just so we collapse under the weight...and the cycle is typically pretty reliable....sometimes it goes for much way too much longer than the regular ******** cycle...!

..does this mean we gonna learn something incredible ridulous?...like we weren't watching at all before!....as if!

...or just suffer?...seems the same...

...so sorry you feeling this way Lia

Yes Jamesy, idk what the point is... And 'this too shall pass' is not cutting it at all! I want it over with now so I can get back to my life... So tempted to text my supervisor and say I wont be returning... Ugh

...don't reckon you need a kick in the butt Lia!

you expect one...and the foot aint around cos you don't deserve that kinda thing...

some things upset us beyond our control and understanding and discipline aint' what comforts...and comfort?...thats maybe just what you need...

...and appreciation.

it's not your fault you are at your wits end there is no comparison besides the illusions around us from what others might be doin' and the overwhelming apparent "success" of having "it" all together...

no kick in the butt for you....thats what we so often do and we don't feel it immediately not even in a while but later we got a sore foot and bum ...ouch!...and nuthin' really got done...

...and I really don't know Lia?....I just want to tell you it's ok

gotta catch up to your posts!...I'm like 1 behind you...oops...

how many sick days can you get Lia?

...cos people do get sick...some take months!...at least a few weeks to work themselves out...

...can you take some more time....you sound like your instincts are terrified...poor thing!

I never took sick days for ever cos I believed if I was not at work then they would discover they didn't need me.

so went in even sick all the time...and in the heart and mind then I would implode and explode and just vanish...oops no job.

I dont have that type of sick leave. Only 30 days available over a period of 36 months... I only know 1 person that ever got extended sick leave, its not common practice here, you cant work, stay at home. That's how it is... So no, I cant get away with calling in sick, especially not without a Dr's note, which I dont have, and dont have money to get anyway... Just gotta show up Jamesy...

10 days a year!...

crap crap!...

just lately you've had this urge to have fun and real ability to do just that!....and your finances have 'ripped' you off so bad in the meantime...

..and thats why we work...to "earn"...and "spend" and all that.... and you haven't been rewarded for your efforts..

no wonder you don't want to bother with it

Yip James, that's about the gist of it. Add feeling trapped, optionless and triggered, and I'm kind of a mess right now. A mess with pretty hair...

a mess with pretty hair....

..a pretty mess

..pretty much

Thank you