...could be anyone anyone?

i know it's me and it's killing me!

I will explain how it happens...ok!

my moods are radical and dis-proportionate to my surroundings!

my behaviour is disturbed and I'm difficult to engage at anytime....for any length of time...pretty much because of my radical mood swings...

I'm basically unpredictable....emotionally!...if it does not come out immediately...it will come out later or soon and it's better to get it done straight away but why is this even an issue I will become disturbed about this already it is happening I am at the centre of attention where I hate it until I'm ripped in half then give me the face of the Earth to crash your calm dumb party!!

so I'm unpredictable?

everyone has needs...that aint one of mine....but because it just is....

I still gotta get what I want ...so I will control the crap out of everything!!

feed me stuff I will control it!!

my life is so magnificently out of control....just move slightly I will re-adjust and be ready...

it's FREAKING INSANE!
I don't know what I'm gonna do next?....so I gotta know what YOU are gonna do now next and later...no damn wonder I can't sleep

I'm a control freak...co-ordinate my world around, amongst, before ...later and entirely with my moods...especially all the time

I am a bipolar control freak....make room for me stay out of my way but don't go tooo far I gotta blame someone when I screw up!

yep...thanks

see you in heaven two bullets both for me

control freak

[Anika.]

I don't find you hard to engage.. Anytime. Ain't that weird?

James I was a contol freak... Right down to starving myslef to feel in charge of something.. Thats weird too.

Now I still seek to make order.. But it's different, I don't try to control everything around me, but I can choose what I do with it all.. I can accept what comes.. But I can also make something with it, often it's just choosing how I see it, if I can't do that then I dunno. Maybe I am weird. But it doesn't matter .. I am ok with this set up.

[~Christina]

Sometimes the best thing to do is ........ to do "Nothing"

[BlueInanna]

i so wish i could control everything, but everything has been out of control all around me for so long, that dream was smooshed long ago. i am such a failed control freak
but now i will laugh at myself so i can pretend i have some control over something.

met this guy ...working in a soup kitchen.

this guy was...by all appearances...unassuming...harmless...perhaps even a nobody? just had that look....like it's way too easy to forget him...and that sux in itself but it's not about my inability to be human!

it's about this guy....

he stuck a pretty large knife up through his chest....trying to cut his heart!...he missed...but "what a hell of a mess"...he said

...big pot smoker...lucid nonetheless!...some people can.

he told me..."nobody knew just how stressed out! he was"

he had no way...being so gentle....so passive.

he has this marvelous philosophy now...he calls it the "not trying" philosophy...we spoke endlessly about this amazing thing! where you just BE!....I understood....I had all the words but I knew deep down I was "trying" to get it..."trying" to show him I understood him....because I respected him and so really wanted him to know that.

I don't get it....I'm wound up like a 1000 springs..
I sure don't want to have to jam a knife up through my chest to find out...I've done similar things and failed...

my conclusion is that we all each play a different role..in life....to balance this super-ordinary experience..some are meditating monks...some are hyper everything freaks...

I'm a freak...I guess thats just gotta be ok

[MommaR]

I have control-freak issues too. Which is probably the source of why my 13 yo and I are having such a hard time connecting atm. Cissy is doing what teenagers do- breaking away from her parents, finding herself... But she is going about it all wrong! So different than her older brothers... I just cannot control the mistakes she is da--ed and determined to make.

[BlueInanna]

touching story about the soup kitchen friend, lucky to have his life, sounds like a hard life, but he's somehow not so resentful about it, that's resilience and impressive.

mommar, parenting is painful. so hard to know where to draw the line between guiding and controlling. we have to try to keep them safe, but we know they might choose to do opposite of anything we say to do. someone who seemed to know what they were talking about told me to just say, "I know you'll make the right decision." uuurrrrgghh, going to be easier said than done. Cuz you know they're not gonna make the right decision! But we're supposed to let them make their own decision. My parents kindly ignored me more than not, I understand now that was not easy for them, my mother probably worried and wondered where i was every night. And I made it clear I wasn't planning on listening to their advice. But i did somehow become responsible for my own ****** choices.

[unaluna]

Yeah I would say you might feel better if you could calm down, but that's my. What's the word. Leaning? Disposition? I'm more phlegmatic.

[Passion222]

Morethingswrong I agree! Just gotta stop as hard as it is. Treat yourself to a massage or something. Helps me some

Have you ever noticed, James, that no matter how good things are going, there is always something underlying... cheapening it almost? It makes me want to break down a lot of times.. I can try really hard to not notice it and to forget it but it's always there when I look. It catches my stare and I can't look away for some time.

I wanted to share this with you cuz I think you would understand... it's there that I feel the same way that you describe. I stay there when I get too tired, when I need to rest. the only times I am not there is when I am too damn busy to notice. I too live in a fantasy to where I can "change" my perspective when I need to, out of survival... sorry if I got you wrong but I don't think that I do.

Just needed to share with someone who might understand and that I might understand. tell me if I'm wrong though, sorry if I am.

[faerie_moon_x]

I am the oposite. I want everything to function around me like a perpetual motion machine. I don't want to have to push the buttons or pull the levers. I just want things to fall into place and move forward naturally without having to be taken care of. Even if you hold perfectly still life moves around you. I'd rather be a cog, I guess, doing what needs to be done and left alone and not bother anyone. I want everything to be smooth and in harmony all the time, without requiring me to make it so.....

sorry I have not replied to anyone...
got anxiety...
and as usual sometimes I write things on here and then run screaming into the distance

[Seaswept]

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

sorry I have not replied to anyone...
got anxiety...
and as usual sometimes I write things on here and then run screaming into the distance

I do it too.

[Seaswept]

My two oldest kids say I'm controlling. It is hard to just "guide" them, I'm trying hard to just not say anything. That's my do nothing. but, yeah I want things my way and have a hard time admitting to my freak outs.