[mojave_rose8]

I have long, long suspected there is something else wrong with me in addition to the bipolar disorder.

Mainly, because I am horrible at relationships, and can’t get close to people. I absolutely crave closeness, though – I just can’t ever achieve it. When I get close to someone, invariably, I push them away, sometimes in spectacular fashion. My heart breaks (not only for myself, but for those who love me and try to get close to me – even family. I’m – detached.)

For a long time, I thought it might be borderline personality disorder. But I have never received this diagnosis, and after two years of therapy with an excellent, seasoned psychologist, I finally asked her if she thought I was a borderline. She said emphatically, “No!” A subsequent psychologist confirmed this.

I have also thought I had an autism spectrum disorder, because I am socially awkward and don’t pick up on social cues. However, I have been tested and fall just “off” the autism spectrum. So, that’s not it.

Since I am adopted, I have done some research on RAD in adults. But, I was never in an orphanage or subject to neglect or abuse of any kind. So, I don’t think it’s RAD.

At this point in my life (I am almost 30) I don’t know if I will ever achieve closeness with anyone. I am good (very good) at superficial relationships. Beyond that, I suck.

I think I am a good person. I am very generous and have a great ability to empathize with people.

This is all very painful … it probably fuels my depressions more than the actual bipolar disorder.

...some kind of internal hostility splitting me up sending me away to be alone every damn day!

it's horrible it could be anything but it's so deep inside!

...cannot get at it!...

yes I relate.... most of what you wrote is my same dialogue in my mind.

the most sensitive of us have the most spectacular emotional defence mechanisms...however inefficient they are personally...

we attack the delicate with force, without love just remorse....without even knowing and evidently showing...just afraid to be hurt thats all

...and yes it certainly feels so wrong ...and on it goes